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That’s when something caught my attention. It was a piece of paper peeking out from between two shoeboxes abandoned underneath Beckham’s bed.
No, it wasn’t just a piece of paper.
“Hey, Beckham?”
“Huh?” he shouted over the sound of the shower.
“Um, come here. Quick!”
It wasn’t just a piece of paper under Beckham’s bed.
It was an envelope.
21Beckham Noble
My hands shook. Not noticeably, but I felt them tremble as I held the envelope in my hand. The night air fresh on my skin, cicadas sang from a nearby bush. All I really wanted to do in that moment was take Oliver back to bed and hold him until we both fell asleep. My body was spent in the best way possible, and I just wanted to enjoy the night with the man of my dreams.
Instead, we were sitting in my backyard wearing only our underwear, staring down at a letter that could change a lot of things for me.
“What’s in here,” I said, speaking my thoughts out loud.
Oliver shrugged. “You gotta open it to find out. Unless you’ve got some secret X-ray powers that you aren’t telling me about.”
I gave him a cheeky wink. “Why do you think I was so attracted to you right off the bat?” I dropped my eyes to his crotch. Oliver chuckled. On the other side of my fence, someone was walking their dog, the pup sniffing and scratching at something, its snout peeking in under my fence.
“All right.” I stuck a finger under the envelope’s seal. There were a couple of scratches at the corner of the envelope. We figured that either Mason or Jar must have found it in my room and started playing with it under the bed, where it somehow got jammed between two shoeboxes.
The sound of paper tearing filled the night air, mixing with the loud sounds of cicadas. I was sure my heartbeat could be heard in the chorus. Oliver didn’t mention my nerves as he watched, sitting on the edge of his seat. He looked up to me and realized I had paused.
“Sorry, what am I thinking. You should be doing this by yourself. I’ll leave.”
“No, what? Absolutely not. I was actually thinking about how grateful I am that you’re here right now.”
He smiled at that. His hand came to rest on my knee, his thumb making small circles. “You sure?”
I nodded and returned my attention back to the burning letter in my hand. I finished ripping open the seal and pulled out the letter. It was a single folded page. I took the thick piece of paper out and unfolded it, the envelope falling off my lap and slowly drifting to the concrete below.
The first line of the letter hit me hard in the gut.
“Becks.”
I said the old nickname out loud. A cry got caught in my throat, surprising me. The only person who ever called me that was my father, and the last time I’d heard it from him was before he found out I was gay. Before he kicked me out to the streets like some kind of broken television set, just junk to take up the side of the street before someone else took care of it.
So why was I about to cry? I should have been seething with anger. I should have ripped this cursed thing in half and thrown it down the trash compactor.
And yet, the anger that had taken residence in my chest wasn’t strong enough to overcome the profound sadness I felt reading my father’s words, especially since we were past any point of repairing our relationship.
Oliver’s hand squeezed. His support was an unshakeable foundation. I looked into his bright eyes and found the strength I needed to keep reading. I read the letter out loud, knowing it would be one of the few ways I could actually get the words to sink in.
“Becks, I’m so sorry this is how I’m leaving you. I’m dictating this letter as I lie here in a hospital bed, too weak to even feed myself. I was only able to write your name on the envelope before I had to stop. I wanted to speak to you in person. To apologize in person. To hug my son again. But life had other plans.”
I took a pause, breathing air into my lungs, feeling as if I was about to float off the surface of this planet. Oliver, once again, grounded me with his presence.
I continued. “I’ve been diagnosed with stage four brain cancer, Becks. I would have called and asked you to fly here, but I’m scared you wouldn’t. I’m scared I’d lose all chance of explaining myself to you. Of apologizing. Because I need to apologize, Becks. I made a mistake. I pushed you away out of fear. My own son. A piece of me in this world, and I treated you like a piece of gum. I can never take that back. I’m so sorry.”
My father’s words took a deep slice out of my heart. I had to pause, this one longer than the last. Oliver let me sit in silence but always kept his hand on my leg, letting me know he was there. This was as difficult as I thought it would be.
Why couldn’t we have talked about this when you were alive?
