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“I love and hate you for giving me forever,” I whisper in Hunter’s ear, leaning against the pillows I trail my fingers over the tattoos on his back.
Watching him sleep I hold the letter against my heart, and smile, kissing the place between his shoulder blades before I let the shaking pen touch the paper again.
There are so many things in life I took for granted. Every hour, every minute, every damn second. I barely made it through the day without feeling like shit. I was scared to fail, scared of success. Love and happiness were some distant dream I couldn’t remember when I woke.
You changed everything. You remind me every day to live life in the moment. You make me remember; you give me strength I didn’t even know I possessed.
Babe, you inspire me, and you see everything—every color, every light, and every shade. The best and the worst. You see all the pieces of myself I lost along the way, the pieces you helped me put back together.
He rolls over onto his side, resting his head on his tattooed bicep. Clutching the pen more firmly between my aching fingers, I adjust the notepad and push through the pain in my chest before I can’t write anymore.
I’d never met anyone who lived his life exactly how he wanted, screw the consequences, until you. You don’t care about other people’s opinions, or what they say or think about you. You face life head on with a big “fuck you” smirk on your face. You live life with no regrets, taking credit for every success and every failure that’s led you here. How many people can say that? Truly say they did it all? You can, and you will.
You once told me you were a mistake. Babe, you are the best mistake I’ve ever made.
You are my home, my life.
My love. My once-in-a-lifetime.
You made me lose myself and helped me find what was missing.
I love you from now until forever,
Cross my heart
I put the letter in an envelope and slowly place it on the nightstand. Turning around, I tell him, “I love you,” and softly brush his hair out of his eyes before I kiss his forehead.
I press my lips against his, and the corner of his mouth hikes up.
“No one told me holding on would hurt more than letting go,” I say, the tip of my nose touching his.
“Don’t let me go, babe.” His voice is a hoarse whisper as he rolls over, holding himself up on his elbows.
Tracing the line of his jaw with my shaking fingers, I smile through my tears.
“Love can make you believe anything—even in a fucking forever,” he rasps, his voice groggy as he scratches his unshaven cheek before he locks eyes with me. His sad smile tears me apart.
“I guess it does,” I tell him, slowly moving my fingers through his long hair to the stubble on the side. He closes his eyes, the side of his mouth curling up the tiniest bit.
I’ve been watching him sleep for hours, his strong body moving with every breath he takes. It’s like I’m seeing him more clearly with each passing day. He closes his eyes again, pushing both inked arms under his pillow, and turns his face to me. I skim my fingers over the ink on his broad muscular back, to his sleeve, and try to smile through the tears moving over my cheeks.
I kiss the skull tattoo, then kiss every line of the letters on his shoulder blades and lower back, all the way around to his rib cage. He shivers under my touch, and butterflies take flight in my stomach. Hunter slowly opens his sapphire eyes, taking my breath away. An ocean of tears is reflected in those bright blue depths. There’s love, anger, hate and everything in between. They’re eyes to get lost in forever.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, turning on his side.
“About our forever.” I smile, dabbing away my tears with the sleeve of his black shirt I’m wearing that swamps my small frame.
“Fuck forever,” he whispers pulling me into his arms and kissing the top of my head. His lips linger on my skin. I love how he tries to hold on, making a memory out of every touch, each moment. Burying his nose in my hair, he links our fingers together. Tears blur my vision as I stare at the new free tattoo on his knuckles.
“Promise me you’ll stay.” His voice breaks.
I kiss his temple, laying my hand on his heart, trailing a path over his chest with every shuddering breath he takes.
“I’ll never leave you,” I tell him, skimming my fingers over the stubble on his jaw. Leaning forward, he kisses me softly, his calloused thumb caressing my cheekbone.
“I don’t know what to do,” he whispers, voice strained.
“You will, babe,” I tell him, staring into his eyes. “You will.”
“I don’t know how to live without you,” he rasps, his hurt underlined in every syllable. “Fuck I love you,” he says, closing his eyes. “So fucking much,” a sob escapes him.
“Cross your heart?” I ask, caressing his cheek. Blue eyes find mine. He shakes his head and grins as I brush away his tears. With trembling fingers I trace his lips, eyes, his freckled nose. Memorizing every line, every laugh wrinkle. Every beautiful part of him.
“Cross my fucking heart,” he whispers, pulling me into him.
When his lips touch my own I know what it means to love without fear. True love isn’t pretty; it is messy, layered and sometimes plain dirty. It hurts, makes you feel alive, and destroys you in the best possible ways. And, for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid to lose this race I’m in anymore.
I know I’ve already won.
