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“Why am I doing this?” My butt is numb, and not in a good way. I don’t do cold, I don’t do snow. Closing my eyes, I try to push away the memories that haunt me. The fear, the hurt, the devastation of what happened ten years ago when I lost a part of my heart, is starting to suffocate me slowly like it does on most bad days. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I bite back my tears. I should focus on the reason I’m really here.
Why the fuck am I here again?
I can’t believe I’m voluntarily back in the town where I grew up.
You know why, that little voice in the back of my mind drawls.
For love.
I grind my teeth. “Fuck love.” Why do I have feelings for the world’s biggest snowboard fan? I spent the last ten years trying to put some distance between me and my past, so what I’m about to do now isn’t helping.
As the midday sun filters through the clouds and hits my face, sitting on a slope in Aspen, Colorado doesn’t seem so bad. Even when I’m surrounded by little kids passing me on their tiny snowboards, skiing without a care in the world while laughter fills the air, has me breaking out in a cold sweat. I ignore them and try to get my heartbeat under control by practicing my yoga breathing techniques.
In and out, in and out.
Yeah, I’m that bitch.
Like it didn’t cost me years of my life to survive the easiest slope lift known to snow kind. Aka the ‘will I make it down the hill alive’ exit, where I almost fell flat on my face.
Swearing under my breath, I try to relax, which is so not working. I’ve been sitting here for over thirty minutes and haven’t even made an effort to stand. My ass is firmly planted in the snow, and it’s where I intend to stay until Shane comes and rescues me from this nightmare.
Turning up the volume of my Spotify playlist, rock music blasts through my earphones.
The guy at the snowboard shop said this is the easiest hill, and I think he might have been lying. I can’t remember the last time I was on a slope this big and steep. The bigger hills all the way to the left are giving me anxiety already. I watch as seasoned riders jump and grab their boards to do some mind-boggling rotations, making my head spin in the process.
This was supposed to be the easiest hill. Fuck, maybe I took the wrong lift. I have no idea—everything looks different than it did ten years ago. I’ve been on the brink of throwing up since I woke. The only thing keeping me from turning around and hurling my board in the trashcan is Shane, one of my best friends and my crush for as long as I can remember.
I’m praying I’ll turn into a snowflake and vegetate here forever until there is no one left to witness me making a complete ass of myself. With my track record, I’m destined to go butt first down the hill. At least I have my music blasting in my ears to drown out the whooshing happening all around me. I’ve moved from mellow surf tunes to full out screaming. There is nothing left to do but to sit and wait for Shane in the snow, with my snowboard in front of me. Following the swirling letters of my last name on the board with the tips of my gloved fingers, I swallow back the lump in my throat. I should visit my parents, but what the hell am I going to say?
Hi, guys. Long time no see.
Yes, I’ve been blowing through my trust fund to get my online vintage store off the ground, but now I’m buried in debt because Jennifer, my former best friend and business partner, decided to take the money and run without sending our customers their orders.
Yeah, I feel like a total failure. I’m sort of homeless… well, a lot. All my stuff is packed in my truck and a U-Haul I rented because my landlord kicked me out since Jenn funneled the rent money I thought I paid the last three months into her account before she left San Francisco with some hipster guy to find her chi or some shit in a commune up North.
Yep, no chance in hell I’m going to tell my parents, who own one of the most successful snowboard companies in the world, I’m a fucking failure.
“Come on Shane.” I sigh, pushing my long hair behind my ears, trying to fight against my anxiety. I’ve started counting the snowboarders that pass me like they’re sheep lulling me to sleep until the man in question comes. If he ever comes—the guy has a tendency not to follow through.
Rolling my shoulders, I need to focus on why I’m here, to impress my best friend. A man who’s only seen me as one of the guys my whole life. He’s the one I always wanted, and probably the reason why I’m single. I vowed never to set foot in the snow ever again. But Cillian, the leader of our pack of friends, wanted to celebrate his birthday and the bonds forged in Aspen way back when. I couldn’t say no when there were bribes with his famous cupcakes involved.
“Please, Shane, wake me from this nightmare,” I say, my voice wavering. I take out my earbuds, checking my phone for a text. Nothing. “Damn it, dude,” I mutter, putting it back inside my jacket.
He’d sent me a message last night to meet him at—I grab my phone, scanning the text—“The Sunshine Lodge base area on the mountain next to the carousel lift exit at three.” I glance at my phone again. Shit. “That was almost twenty minutes ago.” I blow in my gloves. “Man, it’s cold.” I’m starting to get nervous. Wouldn’t be the first time he left me waiting somewhere while he did God knows what or who. I hate that I become this lovesick puppy whenever he’s around. No matter how many times Shane lets me down, I still want him.
Or do I want the idea of him, of what we could become? I don’t freaking know anymore. I need to figure out what I’m going to do with my dumpster fire of a love life.
And I could ask my parents or my brother for a loan to help with the business? No, fuck that. Last time, I promised I was going to make it on my own, and not tie myself to the family name. There were a lot of screaming and screeching tires involved.
“I’m officially pathetic,” I state, taking off my wool hat, tugging my hair behind my ear. I let out a little yelp when someone whooshes by my head, almost bumping into me. “What the—” Powder flies in my face.
“Asshole!” I yell after him, brushing the snow from my mouth, watching him make a turn, body angled toward me.
“Sorry,” he shouts back, giving me a wave, as more guys on snowboards pass by me in a blur.
Great, now some snowboarder thinks I’m part of the scenery.I follow him as he jumps high in the air over the hill before making it down to the base in the blink of an eye. All the while laughing and joking with his buddies. What a show-off. I thought this was the green hill where you can collectively fall on your ass a couple of times without having to be reminded of sucking so much.
I’m still watching the guy when my phone vibrates inside my jacket. With shaking fingers, I take it out and start to read the text.
