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8
“Can anyone explain the plot to this movie?”I ask as we watch the mafia boss fuck his new wife for the thirteenth time in thirty minutes.
Becka throws a piece of popcorn at me, her eyes never leaving the television screen.“There is no plot.”
“I’ve seen porn with more plot than this,” Tamsin says, and Becka and I both swing our heads to stare at her, our mouths parted but curling up at the edges as we both fight back smiles.Tamsin notices and says, “What?”
Becka huffs out a laugh and shakes her head.“Miles corrupted you quick.”
“Oh, like you and Trent have never watched porn together?”
She shrugs a shoulder, but her cat-that-ate-the-canary smile gives her away.
“Jolie, help me out here.It’s totally normal to watch porn with your significant other, right?”Tamsin asks.
I shove a small handful of popcorn in my mouth and pretend I can’t answer.The truth is, I don’t know.It’s not something Robbie and I ever did, but the idea does seem kind of hot.
There are a lot of things Robbie and I never tried that I was always curious about.He seemed more than content with the few basic positions we always used, and we both got off so there didn’t seem any point in changing things up.
Resentment and guilt plague me.Resentment that he seemed content with the status quo of our relationship and guilt for the resentment.Robbie treated me great.He loved me in such a pure way.I never had to question his honesty or loyalty like several of my girlfriends growing up.But I can’t deny our relationship felt stagnant.We’d become complacent, which I suppose is normal when you’ve been together as long as we had.After a certain point, you have to work a little harder to keep the spark alive, to realize that marriage isn’t always about fanning a flame, but sometimes tending to the low burning embers.
“Jo?”
“Hmm?”I pull myself from my thoughts and focus on Becka, who’s staring at me intently.
“Did you want another drink?”
“That’d be great, thanks.”
Becka stands up and grabs my glass and Tamsin’s, then heads to the kitchen.
“You doing okay?”Tamsin asks.
She may be only nineteen, but she’s wise beyond her years and has become a very dear friend since she and Miles got together over a year ago.
“I’m fine.”It rolls off my tongue with so much ease I don’t even question it.
She tilts her chin down and looks at me meaningfully.I break our eye contact and stare down at the bowl of popcorn in my lap.
“How are you really?”she asks.
“Some days I really am fine.But others…No one tells you what a mindfuck grief is.Maybe no one can because we all experience it differently, but I wish I’d had some kind of heads-up that it could be this way.That I would be at war with my emotions and held hostage by the whims of my grief.Some days I start to feel like maybe I can move forward, like I could actually follow through with what I know he would want for me.And others…other days I’m so weighed down by how much I miss him I can’t breathe.
“But then there are days that don’t fit in either of those boxes, and those days make me feel so much shame.”
She frowns and scoots closer, occupying the space where Becka had been sitting.“Why?”
I look up at her, tears in my eyes as I confess.“Because some days I’m so mad at him for things he did when we were together, or annoyed at things he wouldn’t do.Or irrationally mad at him for leaving me, when I know it wasn’t his choice.”
“What things are you mad about?”
I shake my head.“It’s embarrassing.”
“Hey, this is a safe space.Circle of trust.”
I open my mouth to speak right as Becka comes back in the room, a tray in her hand holding all our drinks.My mouth snaps shut.
“Alright ladies, refills are here.And there’s plenty more where these came from and guest rooms if you want to get trashed—or crash from your sugar rush,” she says with a smile to Tamsin as she sets the tray with Tamsin’s flavored water and my gin and tonic on the coffee table.She glances between us, and her carefree smile falls off her face.“Okay, what did I miss?”
