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Mom looks at me for a long moment, before saying softly, “Kinda sounds like Tristan.”
My heart stops at the same time my jaw drops, but then starts beating double time.“How do you figure?”
She shrugs, but it’s not as carefree as she’d like it to be.“Even when you kids were in high school, he’d drop everything to help you if you needed it.Like that one time when you got food poisoning but your science project was due, and he got your teacher to give you an extension.Or when you wanted to double date with Becky for prom but her date bailed on her, so Tristan took her.”
“That was so he could hang out with Robbie,” I say, my voice faint and my breathing shallow as I stare at my mom like she’s grown three heads and is speaking a foreign language.
“Was it?”she asks, but her look says she thinks I’m naive if I keep my original answer.
I shake my head.She can’t be right.
“And then after Robbie…” She places her hand on mine and makes sure I’m looking her in the eyes before she continues.“There were days we weren’t sure anyone could get through to you enough to get you out of bed.But Tristan always did.He was there, every day, every time you needed him.You want devoted?I’ve never seen anyone more devoted than he is.”
I sit back in my chair like my body has been weighed down by five hundred tons.
But the more I replay interactions we’ve had foryearsin my mind, the more I wonder how I never saw it.She must be able to tell this has completely rocked my foundation because she pats me on the hand and then leaves the room.
I sit there processing, letting every memory of us come back, looking at it through this new lens.And when I’m done, I have no argument against what she’s said because now I think she might be right.He hasalwaysbeen there for me, coming through in ways I never appreciated because I thought he did them for Robbie.Like the thoughtful ways he’s always celebrated holidays with me, even the small ones I still love that Robbie thought were lame.Or how he saved Robbie’s ass last year by giving him the present he’d already gotten me—it was thoughtful and perfect and everything I wanted but didn’t know how to articulate.Robbie felt so guilty pretending it was his that he told me later that night how Tristan had been the one to get it for me.
What if he never did those things for Robbie?
What if it was always forme?
He’s been in love with me this whole time and he never said a word.He never even flirted!Not even after Robbie passed away.But his actions spoke.Looking back, his actions have spoken for a long time, and I can’t believe I never realized.
But my eyes are open now.
Without another thought, I walk out of my parents’ house with a shouted goodbye and then get in my car with a new destination in mind.
The drive is quick, and when I arrive at Tristan’s house, I can’t get to the door fast enough.I pound on the door, bouncing on my feet as I wait impatiently for him to answer.After another round of knocking, I give up and use the key he gave me years ago.
He’s not in the living room, but I don’t have to search for long.The sound of his guitar filters through the house from the patio, and I walk through his kitchen with determination.The back door is open, but he doesn’t hear me coming, so it gives me time to look at him.To reallyseehim, maybe for the first time since we were fifteen and he was the cute boy I sat next to in Mr.Glenn’s history class.Did he like me then?That was before I even met Robbie, so I have a hard time believing that’s when it started because wouldn’t he have said something, asked me out, anything to hint how he was feeling?
I watch him pluck away at his guitar, his eyes closed and his lips moving but no sound coming out, like he’s singing a silent song.He opens his eyes and grabs the pen resting on his notebook, likely jotting down a lyric before he puts it down.He glances over to where I’m standing and his eyes widen.
“Jo?Everything okay?”he asks, immediately putting down his guitar and standing up to make his way over to me.
And it hits me then, harder than it did when my mom mentioned it.He’s always done this.He’salwaysdropped whatever he was doing for me, no questions asked and never expecting anything in return.
There’s tension around his eyes, his concern showing through, but I finally see it.The love is just as clear, and it’s always been there.I can see so clearly now how he’s always looked at me this way.
It knocks the breath from my lungs and I stare at him, completely speechless.
“Jo?”He puts his hand on my arm, his eyes laced with worry.“What’s wrong?”
“How long?”I ask, my voice hoarse.
His brows furrow in confusion.
“How long have you been in love with me?”
He blanches and steps back from me, the concern replaced with something akin to worry, but not worry for me…more like he’s afraid.
“Tristan?”
He closes his eyes like he’s in pain, and when he opens them back up, they’re filled with resignation.“Since the minute you walked into Mr.Glenn’s history class.”
I feel like I can’t breathe.“But you never said a word.”
He grips the back of his neck.“I was planning to.”
It all becomes clear to me, because if there’s anything I know about Tristan, he is unfailingly loyal, and the one person he was the most loyal to—besides me, apparently—was Robbie.
“Robbie asked me out first,” I say, already knowing that has to be what happened.
He nods his head but doesn’t say anything else.I’m not sure how long we stare at each other, but the more time that passes, the more his eyes seem to dim with sadness.
And it’s his sadness which finally spurs me to action.My chest feels tight and full like it’s about to burst with more emotion than any one person should have to hold as I walk toward him.He watches me carefully, his confused furrow getting deeper with every step closer.Until finally we’re toe to toe and I do the only thing I can in that moment.
I push up on my toes, wrap my hands around his neck, and kiss him.
