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27
All the boxes are packed and being loaded one by one to be driven two blocks, where they will be unloaded into my new house.Everyone’s pitching in.Trent, Tristan, Kasen, and Miles debate the organization of the boxes and my furniture like they’re playing a game of U-HaulTetris.Becka, Tamsin, and my mom are helping wrap the last few remaining dishes so they don’t accidentally break during transport.And my dad and Cam are out in the garage helping organize and pack up what needs to be thrown away and what’s going with us.There wasn’t much there, but it’s enough to keep them busy while they argue about which team is going to win the Super Bowl this year.My money’s on the LA Wolves, but that’s only because Becka’s brother, Will, is a wide receiver for the team so I’m loyal by default.
Tristan keeps glancing at me, his eyes conveying his concern.Maybe he’s right to be concerned.I’m a lot more emotional than I thought I’d be after preparing for this for the past several weeks.My chest feels tighter every time a box is removed and the house grows empty.I walk through the rooms making sure I’m not forgetting anything.I’ve been planning for this move, but it’s like I was planning it for someone else.It didn’t hit me that I’m closing a chapter on my life.I’m closing my Robbie chapter for good.There will be no memories of him in the new house, no dents on the wall from when he accidentally swung his golf putter a smidge too hard.No scuff marks from his shoes on the floor.No memories of the water fight we had when we first moved in and were washing dishes before the new dishwasher got installed.He sprayed me with the hose, which led to me splashing him with my soapy water, until all hell broke loose.We were soaked and laughing so hard we both had tears in our eyes and stitches in our sides.But the loss of all that didn’t hit me as I packed up the house.
Instead, it’s hitting me now.
I walk down the hall, away from the chaos and the voices of my helpers, until I’m standing in our room—because even now it’s stillourroom.
My chest feels weighted down with the pressure of the emotions that hit me seeing this room empty.My gaze scans across the room, remembering the placement of all our furniture, and how there were always socks scattered on Robbie’s side of the bed because he could never manage to get them in the hamper.I move to the closet and switch on the light.Where our clothes used to hang are now empty rods.I gave the rest of Robbie’s clothes to charity.He would’ve wanted that.
I got rid of our bed too.After my first date with Tristan, I realized there’s no way I could sleep with another man in the bed I shared with Robbie.The new bed I ordered should be delivered tomorrow to the new house.By tomorrow, nothing will be left in this house, and it’ll be time for someone else to make memories.
“You okay?”
I spin around to see Tristan standing at the threshold, his arms braced on the door frame and his eyes still holding the same concern they held earlier.
I brush away a stray tear that has broken free and know there’s no sense in lying to him.He already knows anyway.
“No,” I choke out as the tears start to fall faster.
In three long steps, he’s got me in his arms, holding me close to his body while I mourn another loss.When does it stop feeling like this?When does moving forward—moving on—start feeling easier and less like I’m cutting off a piece of my heart just to have a future?
Why is letting go so painful?
“Let it out, Jo.I’ve got you.”Tristan’s whispered words are like a beacon.I’m the ship lost at sea and he’s my lighthouse, calling me home.
Except I never planned to find another home—metaphorically speaking.I know what Robbie wanted for me, but for so long I didn’t think it would ever be possible.And I certainly never planned on having a change of heart so quickly.But here I am, holding on to someone who is making me feel things I thought were buried with Robbie.Big, scary things that make me vulnerable in a way I haven’t felt in a very long time.
But I can’t let him go.I meant what I said when I told Tristan I can’t lose him.Losing Robbie was hard enough, and I barely got through it.Honestly, I think I only got through it because Tristan has been here every step of the way dragging me through, holding me up when I couldn’t hold myself.Being my strength when I had none.
I pull back and look up at him.He cups my cheek and uses his thumb to wipe away my tears.For the first time, I notice his own eyes are red-rimmed.“It feels a little like losing him again, doesn’t it?”he asks, his voice low and scratchy.
I nod, because that’s exactly what it feels like.But I also know I can’t live here anymore without him.I can’t move on in the house where we made plans and had hopes of our future.
He places a kiss on my forehead—a tender gesture that makes me want to melt against his body.
“It kinda feels like he’s here.”
I startle and look up at him, but his gaze is looking around the room.I’m about to ask him why he feels that way when I stop before the words even leave my mouth and look around the room again.A peace settles over me, and another feeling hits me—something faded but familiar.A scent hits my nose, one I haven’t smelled in a long time, not since it faded off his clothes months ago.
He’s right.It does feel like Robbie’s here.
“You feel it, right?It’s not just me?”he asks, his voice quiet like he’s speaking in church.
“I feel it.”
There’s something about feeling like he’s here and knowing if he is that he’s seeing me in Tristan’s arms that should make me feel guilty, but for the first time it doesn’t.
I don’t feel the familiar punch of remorse or worry at all.
“Do you think he’d be okay with this?”I ask, looking into Tristan’s cerulean-blue eyes.
“Moving?”he asks.
I shake my head and raise my hand to rest comfortably on his hard pec.It’s a familiar touch, one I never would’ve done before.“This,” I say softly, looking back up at him and admiring his sharp jaw with stubble that makes him look rugged and handsome.The way his blue eyes watch me makes me feel like I’m the most fascinating person in the world.
He moves his hand to rub gentle circles on my cheek, his gaze never leaving my face as he responds.“I hope so.No one will ever love you or protect you like I will, Jo.And I know that’s what he wanted for you, to find someone who would love you this much.”
