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“What’s wrong?”I ask.
He looks up at me, and there’s an apology written all over his face.“I forgot a condom.”
I knew that already, but since it took Robbie and me years to get pregnant the one time, I wasn’t worried about it.
“It’s okay.I can’t get pregnant,” I tell him.
“Are you on birth control?”
“No, but I promise it’s okay.I…the odds of me getting pregnant are slim to none.”
He stares at me like he doesn’t quite believe me and wants to ask more questions, but he doesn’t.Instead, he goes into the bathroom and gets a warm washcloth to clean me up.When he comes back to bed, he cleans me up, throws the washcloth in my laundry basket, and then sits on the bed, his elbows resting on his knees and his hands hanging loosely between his legs.
“Are you okay, Tristan?”I whisper, placing my hand against his back, not wanting to break the serenity of the quiet, but also worried about him.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
Except he’s not, and now I’m even more worried about what’s going on in that head of his.
“Tris, don’t.I can tell you’re not okay.What’s going on with you?”
He drops his head into his hands, and my stomach tightens waiting for him to speak.Finally, he looks up at me and asks, “Why didn’t you tell me about the baby, Jo?”
My jaw goes slack, and I can practically feel all the color drain from my face as I stare at him.“What?”I choke out.How did he find out?
“I read Robbie’s letter to me.He said you were pregnant.Why didn’t you ever tell me?All those months you were grieving and you’d talk about Robbie, but never once mentioned you’d lost a baby too.”
I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out.Emotion clogs my throat as memories of those dark days bombard me.
“Jolie?”
I can see in his gaze he thinks I didn’t tell him because I didn’t trust him, but that wasn’t it at all.
I drop my gaze to my hands, unable to look at him when I admit the truth.“I felt like a failure.I’d felt that way for months because it took us so long to get pregnant.Why wasn’t my body doing the thing it was built to do?Why couldn’t I have a baby when I wanted one so desperately?Robbie and I had started seeing a specialist and were about to start a round of IUI before moving to IVF if that didn’t work.Then, miraculously, I got pregnant—finally.But after everything we’d been through, I was too afraid to tell anyone until it felt safer.Robbie bought a onesie that I still have, but I was too nervous to buy anything else because I thought it might jinx it.Turns out, it didn’t matter.I lost the baby anyway, and I felt like a failure all over again.
“I’d just lost Robbie when I lost the baby.I told my mom, but I couldn’t stand to tell anyone else.I was already getting pitying looks from everyone.I couldn’t stand for it to get worse.And I couldn’t stand the idea that anyone else might see me as a failure when I was already so low.”
“I would never think of you as a failure, Jo.”He scoots closer to me, wrapping his arms around me.I settle into his embrace, seeking his comfort.It feels good to tell him.
“I loved that baby,” I choke out, tears blurring my vision.“Is that ridiculous?I barely carried it at all, but I already loved it so much.It felt unbearable to lose them both, and to talk about it was even harder.It seemed…easier, I guess, to let people believe I was only grieving Robbie.”
“I wish you would’ve told me.”
“I got through it okay.My mom knew and helped a lot.”
“Still.I don’t want you to think you ever have to hold anything back with me.”
I look up into his beautiful eyes, memorizing his soft gaze and the outpouring of love that shines through.“I don’t think that, Tris.I promise I didn’t intend for it to be a secret forever.I just…it’s hard to talk about.In fact, you’re the first person I’ve told since I told my mom.”
He kisses my forehead and holds me close.We sit like that, snuggled in the silence for a few minutes before I break the quiet.
“Was that all that’s bothering you?”
He hesitates briefly before he says, “Yeah.”
Despite the confidence behind his word, his hesitation makes me think there’s more he’s not telling me.
