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I don’t question him.I just get out of my seat and make my way to the door, not bothering to glance at Lily and Rick as we make our way out.
I don’t touch Tristan either.
I can’t.
If I touch him, I might lose my resolve for what I know I should do.I can’t give him what he wants from me, and that coupled with the weighty judgment of other people is tipping me over my breaking point.
If I wondered if he knew what was coming, it’s confirmed as soon as he takes me to my house instead of driving us back to his house like we’d originally planned.We sit in the car, neither of us making a move to get out.A numbness I haven’t felt in a long time starts to wash over me, starting at my toes, moving up to my ankles.It’s like I’m standing on the beach as the tide rolls in, feeling the sand shift under my feet and struggling to maintain my balance as the water laps higher up my body and threatens to pull me under if the sand doesn’t suck me down first.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I choke out.
His jaw noticeably clenches, and he stares out the windshield, the fading sun landing on his face and making my heart ache because he’s so handsome.
“Was any of it real?”
His words feel like a knife to the gut, and I suck in a sharp breath and wrap my arms around my stomach, wishing this didn’t hurt so much.But I know what I have to do, and I can’t go back now.
I want to admit to him that it was all real, that he’s made me feel more for him than I ever thought possible and it’s absolutely terrifying, but I can barely speak through the pain.So instead, I whisper, “I’m sorry.”
Silence descends in the car and then finally he says, “I know,” his voice broken and hoarse.He rubs a hand over his face, and when he speaks again, his voice is composed and his face is neutral, which only makes my heart sink further at the sign he’s shutting me out.“It’s okay, Jo.I get it.”
What does he get?That this is tearing me apart?That I hate the idea of not being with him, but I can’t stand the weight of other people’s judgment?That I’m terrified I didn’t love my husband enough if it’s this easy to fall in love with someone else?
I don’t say any of that though.I get out of the car and walk to my front door, feeling with every step like I’m making a huge mistake, but the pressure to keep moving forward with this plan is overbearing.
I close the door behind me and can’t resist his pull any longer.I turn around and peek out the window, hidden by the curtains.The second my eyes land on him, I wish I’d never looked at all.His head is in his hands resting on his steering wheel and his shoulders are hunched over.I can’t see his face, but his anguish is written all over his body.
It’s the sight of him in so much pain that causes me to break.I crumple to the floor, feeling more broken than I did after Robbie died.
Maybe it’s a good thing I was never able to tell him I love him.
Even if I do.
