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5
For years, I tried to let her go.I dated, I fucked, I poured my soul into the band.And still I was never able to shake the feelings I had for Jolie from the first moment I saw her when we were fifteen years old.No one ever came close.
I never planned to be the guy who pined for his best friend’s girl.As more time went on and I realized nothing would make those feelings go away, I shifted gears and instead focused on making sure Robbie never found out.I never wanted him to question my loyalty to him or think I would stoop as low as to steal her from him.
I’d let her goforhim.
It doesn’t get much more loyal than that as far as I’m concerned.
Watching the woman you’re in love with love someone else is painful, but watching her love your best friend is fucking torture.There were days I felt so raw from the pain all I could do was pour my heart and soul into writing music.
Decker Cross, the producer on our latest album, once accused me of holding back and not putting my soul into my lyrics.He has no idea I have a whole notebook filled with songs I’ve written at my lowest—and loneliest—moments.Nobody does.Not even my brother, Trent.
Music was my safe haven from the moment my uncle placed a guitar in my hand and taught Trent and me how to play.Once I started playing, I couldn’t stop.I suddenly had a way to process everything I was feeling after my mom died—an outlet.I started playing around with different tunes and then coming up with an occasional line or two.Eventually, the words started becoming clearer, and I got a notebook to write them all down.I’ve been writing ever since.I’ve written most of the songs on our albums by myself with a handful co-written with Trent.I had no idea back then how music would sometimes be the only thing holding me together when the pain from loving Jolie in silence would eat away at me.
Over the years, I filled several notebooks with hopes and wishes I knew would never come true.I had a lifetime of love inside of me, all for a woman I could never have.
But then Robbie died, and my whole world shifted on its axis.
The man who’d practically been my brother was ripped from my life without any warning.I wasn’t unaccustomed to loss—my mother had died by a drug overdose when I was eleven—but there had always been signs something bad was coming.I knew to brace myself, to close myself off the best I could to protect myself from the emotional upheaval I knew was just around the corner.
There was no bracing, no protection when Robbie died.Instead, I went to bed worrying about one friend and woke up to the loss of another.Some mornings I still lie in bed and can hear my phone ringing and Jolie sobbing uncontrollably on the other end, barely getting out the words to tell me Robbie was gone—that while we all slept, he’d left this world.
If there is a heaven, I hope it appreciates the gift it stole from us too soon.
My back aches from being hunched over my notebook for so long, but I’m determined to get down the lyrics that popped into my head this morning.The tune came to me during my hike with Jolie a couple of weeks ago, but the words remained elusive until today.They’re about her; they always are in some sense.I stare at the lyrics scribbled on the page trying to figure out what’s wrong with them.Whenever I write a song, I know when it’s done because this weird sense of peace settles over me.It happens every single time, and that’s when I know it’s time to stop fucking around with it.There’s no peace as I stare at the page, the lyrics just black loops and lines forming words that are supposed to mean something.
My gaze slides over a line and then shoots back, settling on a word.I’ve found the culprit for the niggling feeling telling me they aren’t quite right.I cross it out, but don’t know what to replace it with.My phone beeps beside me, and I drop my pen on the page deciding this is my sign to step back from it for a while.
The text on my phone is from Trent with a reminder about our meeting with Decker today.We were in the final stages of producing our album when everything happened with Kasen and then Robbie.Fortunately, all the recording was done and it was just some fine-tuning which Decker is known for.But none of us were ready to release it once Decker and Trent finished it.An album release is almost always followed by a tour, and a tour has been the last thing on our minds.We basically put everything on hold after Robbie’s death, but Trent’s been murmuring for weeks that the label wants us to move forward.They’re getting more impatient by the day, but it still feels too soon to pick up where we left off.
Kasen is still MIA, and we’re all still trying to adapt to our new normal.After a two-month stint in rehab, Kasen came home to find us all hollow shells of the guys he’d left behind.The guilt he felt was clear as day on his face, from the frown lines as his mouth tugged down and the way his eyes sagged.But we were the ones who felt guilty because in the two months he’d been in rehab, we’d never been able to tell him Robbie died.Which meant our reunion which should’ve included us building him back up turned into us landing a crushing blow which sent him running.
Apart from an email he sent to Trent three months ago, we haven’t heard a word from him and have no idea where he is, so a tour would be impossible unless we replaced him, and none of us are willing to do that yet.Despite the shit he’s put us through, we aren’t ready to give up on him.
I close my notebook, grab my phone and car keys, and then head to the meeting with Decker.The drive is fast, a piece of my mind still thinking about the lyrics in my notebook at home.Trent and Miles Tallon, our drummer, are already there when I arrive.We give each other a hug with a slap to the back and then walk toward the front door of Decker’s house.
“How’s Tamsin?”I ask Miles.His girlfriend happens to be Decker’s daughter, and it’s fascinating to me how the dynamic between Decker and Miles has changed since Miles and Tamsin got together.Decker gave him the stink eye for months, but Miles treats Tamsin like a goddamn princess, which has not gone unnoticed by her protective father.The past few months, Decker has softened and treats Miles like the son he never had, which is good since I have no doubt Miles intends to make that title a reality someday.Probably after Tamsin graduates from college in a few years.
Decker opens the door and greets us all with a smile, but there’s a look in his eyes that tells me this meeting is serious.He ushers us in and offers us drinks before we all settle in the den.
He gets right down to business.“I know you guys are still having a hard time with Robbie’s death, but we need to talk about the album.”
Trent shifts in his chair, Miles drops his gaze to his lap, and I sit still as a statue, my gaze locked on Decker and my body braced for a blow.
Decker clears his throat—the only indication this conversation is hard for him too.“He wouldn’t want you all to sit on this one.He knew this album was the best work you’d done.It’s time to release it and start thinking about a tour.”
Miles lifts his head, his gaze now locked on Decker.“How the hell can we do a tour?Robbie handled all those details, not to mention Kasen is still missing.”
There’s a beat and then Decker says, “I think you should start thinking about a replacement for Kasen.And in regard to the tour, I have someone in mind to act as tour manager.Have you heard of Melrose Fletcher?She’s in between tours right now and is exceptional at her job.”
We all shake our heads, not having any clue who she is because we always relied on Robbie.He did everything when it came to tours.
“Well, she’s my recommendation.”He looks to Trent.“I can get you all her info.I’ve already reached out to her to make sure she’s still available, and she agreed to meet with you.All you have to do is call her and schedule it.”
My chest feels like it’s on the verge of collapse.It’s been 332 days since he died, but the thought of finally replacing him makes it feel like it was yesterday.Replacing him makes his loss all the more real.
Decker leans forward, his elbows resting on his desk while he clasps his hands together to rest in front of him.“I know this isn’t easy, guys.But this industry doesn’t slow down, not even for death.If you wait too much longer to release an album, you’ll lose the momentum you’ve spent years building up.And it’s a damn good album.Your fans deserve to hear it.”
And then he says the only thing that could convince us to move forward.
“Robbie would want you to release it.”
Trent nods, but doesn’t speak.Miles stares at Decker before reluctantly giving him a nod.
I stare at nothing, my heart shriveling in my chest as we take the next step forward without him.I hear murmuring of conversation and know they’re ironing out the details, but I can’t pay attention to any of it.It’s taking everything I have not to fall apart.Not to feel like Robbie’s dying all over again.
