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CHAPTER ONE
"Hesaidwhat?"Lilyshouts, making me jump. My eyes narrow in irritation as I see a few heads turn, people beginning to stare at us.
"Must you be so freaking loud?" I hiss, before glancing around and glaring at those in our vicinity, a subtle “mind their own fucking business.” The elderly couple next to us looks utterly scandalized by the story I'd been telling my sister.
"Don't eavesdrop if you don’t like my story," I say evenly, polishing off the brusque statement with a mega-watt smile. The woman huffs and pats down her coifed hair, turning back to her husband, who’s currently redder than a tomato.
Job complete, I smile and relax in my chair before turning to my sister. Lily looks both annoyed and proud in equal measure. "As I was saying," I drawl at a much more respectable volume. "He said, and I quote, 'I'd fuck you even if you were my sister,'end quote."Picking up my Long Island, I take a healthy swig, forcing myself to swallow down my emotions with the alcohol.
Fuck men, fuck online dating, and fuck the fact that my greedy vagina received life-altering sex three months ago and it now needs someone to show it some TLC.
IDGAF-DUA LIPA
Lily gapes at me, processing that fun little tidbit. Her cheeks are slightly pink, and I'm not sure if it's from the alcohol she's currently chugging like it's her job, or the absurdity of the line I just dropped.
"I just don't understand," she finally chokes out. "Was he serious? Like he really meant that? It wasn’t just a pickup line?"
Now my mouth flops open. "What the hell kind of pickup line is that, Lils? Jesus Christ, I have no idea if he was serious but for his sister's sake, I hope not!" Sighing, I lean my elbows on the table and drop my face into my hands. I seriouslyhateonline dating, like loath it with every fiber of my being.
"I mean, I guess that one is pretty bad but hey, it could be much worse." My eyes snap in her direction as I glare at her. "What? It's not like he can make good on it. All you have to do is simply not respond and then delete him before moving on to the next. There has to be someone out there who's normal, Violet."
Chuckling at her positive outlook, I grab my phone and open up Tinder, going to my messages so I can pop Lily’s bubble once and for all. If I have to deal with this garbage, so does she, especially since my annoying older sister is the one who made me this dating profile in the first place. I never wanted one, but she swore it would help me get over my current depressive episode. Fat chance. If anything, it has only made it worse.
Clearing my throat, I prepare to blow my sister's mind. "You ready for this, sis? I know you haven't been out in the dating world for a very long time so buckle in, shit's about to get wild." Lily grins and scoots closer, excitement lighting up her face. I huff out a sound of annoyance. This bitch has no clue what dating today is like.
"Okay, I got this one last night at 2:30 in the morning. Never heard from this guy before and this is the first thing he says." Once I've finished setting the scene, I drop my voice, taking on a deeper, more masculine tone as I quote the dumbass.
"I'm gonna get straight to the point here. I'm about to jack off. Wanna Skype to help me cum?"
A disgusted gasp comes from the table next to us again. I peek over at the poor elderly couple. They wouldn't have this issue if they would just mind their own business, but I take pity on them and shoot them a sympathetic look. "Men are idiots, huh?" Surprisingly, the woman gives me a small knowing nod as she discretely darts her eyes over to her husband. He grunts at her, glares at me, then calls out for their check.
"That’s fucking gross," Lily groans, scrunching up her tiny nose. I nod absently as I continue to scroll, finding more messages to share. "Oh my god! Did you do it?"
Rolling my eyes at her insane and probably drunken question, I chuckle. "Wouldn't you like to know?" She kicks me under the table but laughs; she knows me better than that. I may be hard up right now but I'm not desperate.Yet.
“Oh! Here's another: ‘I'm jealous of your heart because it gets to pump in you and I don't.'I mean like seriously, who was just sitting there, sending out shit like that, thinking it’ll work?"
"What is this world coming to?" Lily cries, her arms flailing as she finally becomes incensed on my behalf. "What is wrong with people?"
"No, no, no, Lil's, not people. Men.Seriously, do you think a woman would message someone some stupid shit like that? No, she wouldn’t, because we have brains, hearts, and vaginas."
Lily eyes me speculatively before nodding in agreement. "Vaginas rule, cocks drool!" Her statement, while accurate and exactly the vibe I'm trying to channel is shouted loud enough that once again, all the tables in the restaurant turn to stare.
"Fuck, I think it's time for us to go," I giggle. "Should we head home or what?"
The waiter doesn't wait for us to flag him down he runs over seconds after Lily's outburst, smacking the check down on our table with an irritated huff. Crossing his arms and tapping his black shiny shoe, he squints at us in a clear sign to pay up and get the hell out.
"Calm down Fabio, we're leaving." Deciding to save everyone any more scandalizing outbursts, I drop a hundred-dollar bill on the table, fully covering our tab with a nice top for the aggravated waiter. I stand up and pat him on the shoulder, giving him a sad look. "Sorry for all that, but if you knew what it was like to be a woman on a dating app these days, you'd understand."
His brows furrow in confusion, as though my statement makes absolutely no sense, and I fight back the retort sitting on my tongue. Of course, he wouldn't get it.
Men are lucky as hell. They get to just bulldoze their way into your life, bad pickup lines, and all, grab two of their besties, fuck you until you're a pile of goo, and then walk right out of your bedroom, never to be heard from again.
No? Maybe that's just my life.
I’m pulled out of my thoughts by a visibly tipsy Lily. "No, I don't want to go home yet. Remi said Benji’s asleep and to stay out as long as I want. I've got a free pass to party." Lily grins mischievously, trying to wink at me but just ends up looking like she's got something in her eye. Shaking my head at her antics, I grab her hand and guide us out into the night.
"What should we do then? There aren't any good clubs around here, and I'm not really dressed for a bar," I say, gesturing at my black pencil skirt, black stilettos, and gold shimmery tank top. I dressed up for a nice evening at a high-end restaurant, thinking that would be the end of our girl's night.
