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The conversation I had with Raine Montesalto sat heavy with me. The visit to the HSMC sat heavy with me. The knowledge of what was to come …a takedown that would change the fabric of outlaw nation sat heavy with me. This collaborative effort meant a major disruption of power at the Michael Corleone level… Baptism of Fire shit. That really sat heavy with me. Then, with a kind of introspection that I had not thought myself capable of, I thought back to how my actions had already negatively influenced Liddy’s life.
I had turned her into a liar in grade school when out of sheer frustration at my relentless teasing she had accused me of pulling her hair for that third time. She had been scarred for life as a result of having to chase me through the streets after I had ripped her prized painting in half. I have never forgotten the look of sheer heartbreak that had flashed across Liddy’s face before she had unleashed that fury of hers. To this day, every time I see that scar on her knee, I feel bad about that whole thing.
And then there was the grand finale.
Who could ever forget that smooth Rico Suave act that I had pulled on her in high school? The final catastrophe that had ended in a town riot and cost Liddy a full scholarship and her future away from this shitty town.
I loved Liddy a lot. A whole lot. But that didn’t mean that my love was good for her. That didn’t mean that my love hadn’t already cost her.
Liddy
“So, what is it, Liddy?” Aunt Betty asked me over coffee one morning. But it really wasn’t a question. It was a segue into a conversation that I needed desperately to have, but that I desperately wanted not to have. It was one ofthose.
After the argument between Kid and I, things had been a little… tense? Awkward? Weird? I don’t know what that feel was, but it just hadn’t felt like us. And no matter what, no matter how bad, how angry, how absurd things got between Kid and I, it had always felt like us.
Of course, after the argument, we had made up. I made him take that tracker off my phone though. Because really, in what world did he think that would ever be okay with me? But I knew his intentions were …well good isn’t a word I would use…but at least meant to keep me safe. Besides, he was going to be leaving again soon and wasting our time together arguing was not something I wanted to do.
So we spent almost all the time that he had left fucking like rabbits…doing iteverywhere, every way, and with a gusto that had never been lacking in our relationship. It was the only thing between us that always felt right and I guess we both needed to feel that things were right again even if maybe they weren’t.
And then he was gone.
I decided to fly down to visit Aunt Betty. It was wonderful to see her and I hadn’t realized how much I had missed her. Being with Betty was like being a kid again. We laughed and shopped and ate and drank and gossiped to our hearts’ content. She looked wonderful, and she wasn’t the only one. Henry had lost his paunch and was working his way towards some pretty impressive abs. Aunt Betty teased him about going through the whole mid-life crisis thing, but I thought he looked great. Henry had shaved his head, bought himself a corvette, and was the proud owner of a tattoo over his heart that saidBetty. Not only that, but apparently Henry’s entrepreneurial spirit had finally paid off. Betty had always had a sense of style, but now she had the money to support that style. I’d honestly never seen her look better. She was tanned, toned, and dressed in designer clothes. Aunt Betty drove a brand new Lexus and lived in a gorgeous home that sat on an expansive property that bordered protected lands. She lavished me with gifts while I was there, and we ate at the best restaurants. Except for tonight. Tonight, we were eating Taco Bell and drinking Blue Icees on a blanket in the backyard.
“Here’s to the Trailer Park Girls.” Aunt Betty raised her paper cup high in the air.
“To us!” I cheered. Then we both stuck our blue tongues out at each other and laughed until our bellies ached. After eating to our hearts’ content, we plopped down on our stomachs and began to reminisce. After a good hour of remembering the good times, I realized more than ever how lucky I had been to be rescued from a life in the system by someone who had cared for me as well as Aunt Betty had done.
“I love you.” I said to her.
“Love you, too.” Aunt Betty stood up suddenly and grabbed my hand. “Let’s go for a walk, honey bear.”
We set out on the path that bordered the state forest. It was a beautiful evening, and the sun was just beginning to set. We had walked in companionable silence for a while when my aunt turned to me and asked, “what is it, Liddy?”
And there it was, the question I had come here to answer. I thought about hedging, lying, or making light of it, but I knew none of that was going to do me any good. Aunt Betty, being the perceptive, loving, caring woman that she was, had given me that time. But the other part of her…the hard-ass, survivor, mother bear part of her had decided that she had given me time enough.
“Why are you really here?”
I bit down on my lip.
“It’s Kid.”
“Of course it is.” Betty shook her head in obvious disapproval.
“You asked, and if you are going to be like this, forget it.” I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted. And there we went zooming back in time to the place where I was a petulant teen and Betty an overtaxed parent.
“Alright.” She put up a hand in surrender. “ I won’t say another word if you promise to tell me what’s going on.”
“Well, I seriously doubt that’s true.” I scoffed, but we both knew that this visit hadn’t been about shopping and eating pints of Ben and Jerry’s while watching scary movies at midnight (although that had been a perk). I was here because I needed my auntie. When things got complicated in my life I had always turned to Betty. And things were definitely getting complicated.
“In a lot of ways what we have is good.” I hedged.
“And what exactly do you have?” Aunt Betty was never one to mince words. “You and Kid have been doing this dance for a long time. Is it going anywhere this time, Liddy?”
My shoulders shrugged as I bent over to pick up a wildflower. “I want it to work. We are working at making it work, but then there’s the club. It’s always there like a cloud hanging over us. Every time that damn phone rings I hold my breath. I feel like we are trying to build a life in thein-betweens…in those moments where time stands still for us and grants us a reprieve from reality.”
“And then there are all the nights that you lay awake at night staring at the clock and wondering if this is it.” Aunt Betty said softly. “If this is the night that maybe the violence or the lawlessness or the lifestyle has finally come to take him away. You lie awake at night knowing that you don’t have the strength to leave him and praying that someday you will…”
“Deke?” I asked softly.
