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“Probably as miserable as I was watching.”
He swipes a loose strand of hair out of his eyes. “You know every move is planned, choreographed. Not a single spontaneous second.”
On his part. Niks slithered around Jack like a serpent coiled for any spontaneous second she could get away with. I think of my parents’ stories about on-set affairs and destroyed relationships because of love scenes between actors. Choreography doesn’t erase naked.
“Like Niks sticking her tongue down your throat.”
Jack strangles a low hanging branch, causing the decorations to dance. “My God, tell me you don’t think I reciprocated.” There is a fair amount of huffing and half-snarls. He yanks a leaf off the tree and rips it to bits. “It’s her first love scene. She was caught up. Alan kept barking at us to increase the heat, so she did. That’s the whole of it.” He shakes off a leaf that’s sticking to his palm, then catches me in those sea blue eyes. “You’ve got to trust me when I tell you there’s nothing behind it for her. Can you do that?”
“How can you be sure?”
Jack’s hands tighten into fists, and he doesn’t look at me. Here it is again, the traces of a secret between Niks and him. Why can’t he open up about it? He’s been transparent about everything else.
When he whips back to face me, the moonlight catching his hair is a flash in the darkness. “I’m made promises to Niks that I can’t share, even with you. I keep my promises, Gilly.”
So, there is something between them that is off-limits to me. As much as I want Jack to come clean, I’ll respect his integrity to keep his promise. Still, there will be seasons of intimacy between Jack and Niks. Every take today was a knife in my flesh, and it was just a first kiss scene. In the course of the series, Donal Cam takes Nieve to bed, and to bed, and to bed.
“You’ve got to understand, Jack. I’ve spent the last two years of my life getting stung by things that can’t be shared.”
His voice cracks the sky open like a thunderclap. “I’d never lie to you the way that bastard did.”
As awful as I feel knowing there’s secret-keeping between Jack and Niks, I do want to believe in him. In us.
He drops down beside me. “I’m drawing a line to fix this. You can’t be there if it’s a physical scene between me and Niks. At one point, my stomach was churning so badly knowing you were ten feet from us I nearly had my breakfast come back up. I kept imagining myself driving a fist into Bobby’s face for making you be there.” Jack squeezes my shoulder. “Make whatever excuses necessary but stay away from now on.”
When Jack gets in this pushy mode, he doesn’t see past the way he’s decided things should be. Screw anyone else’s point of view. “What if I can’t? Being on set is part of my job.”
He frowns. “Let me think on it.”
“It’s not your problem to solve.” Here it is. One of a million obstacles that will rise between us because of our dynamic. One we have zero control over.
The silence between us is not peaceful. We both jump when the headlights from an equipment truck on the road below sweep over the hilltop. It’s too far off to see us through the trees, but the blaring reminder we tread on forbidden ground shreds the last of my patience with myself and this whole unfair situation.
As if sensing my growing reticence, Jack presses lips to my forehead. “You’ve got the right of it. It’s ours to solve. I’ll be gone the rest of the week on location up north. Will you join me outside of Dublin on Saturday for a golf tournament?” He leans back against the hawthorn’s trunk. “It’s for a charity dear to me and my whole family. We raise money to let underprivileged kids get involved in golf and other sports. It raises their self-worth. Gives them a language to connect with others.” His hands spin through the air. “We’re working on creating scholarships as well. When I can, I help coach a junior golf team hereabouts.”
I nudge him. “God, I hope they all don’t have a glitch at the top of their backswing.” Coaching kids, another layer of good guy. Have I lost my mind not to shout how much I care about Jack to the sky and just say “What the hell, we’re doing this.”? I watch the line of clouds heading our way. “I don’t know if meeting up is a good idea.”
“It’s a chance to spend time in the open without anyone thinking a thing about it.” He waves his hands in bigger circles as his enthusiasm gains steam. “We’ll walk the course together, no carts. That’ll give us time to figure out our issues if you must be on set for”—he clears his throat—“those personal scenes. We’ll make a plan.”
Truth turns my body to lead. I want to picture any version of a plan that makes this relationship work and allows me to keep a sense of self-respect. I’m falling down an all-too-familiar rabbit hole. As glorious as our beginning has been, if we’re forced to hide, I’m scared it might mortally wound the value of us.
I rise and wander over to the faerie tree, gathering nerve to say what should be said. Don’t I owe it to Jack to use my experience to protect him from the blowback our relationship may cause? We jumped off a cliff onto unforgiving ground. No one will celebrate us being together. Meg and True Time will freak if we spoil their meticulous publicity path. I’m in danger of losing Bobby’s respect by sneaking around. God knows how Niks fits into this.
I pinch a pearl-colored ribbon between my fingers. “You going on location gives us a chance for perspective.”
He moves incredibly fast for a hulk. “I’ve got all the perspective I need.” Jack traps me in his arms. “We’ve got my home in Sneem as an oasis.”
“It’s reckless to believe that’s safe. Eventually, someone will show up with a camera.” I squeeze his arm. “Niks didn’t miss any of the looks you gave me today, and what about Moose?” I push against his chest so there’s enough distance to look him in the eye. “He’s not stupid.”
Jack paws the ground with his foot. “Moose knows you’re with me.”
“You told him?”
He nods. “It’s the only way he’d let me steal you away on Streaker.”
“Oh my God. He’ll talk to Bobby, and all hell will break loose.”
Jack holds my shoulders. “He won’t say a word. Trust me.”
