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Rick didn’t say a word.
“I used to wish for a dad, every birthday, every Christmas. Eventually I got one shitty half rate one.” I smiled. “And here I am, with the offer of two good dads for a baby I may never have. Isn’t fate weird?”
“Yeah, it is.”
“It’s the riding,” I said. “Maybe more than anything else. I’ve worked so hard with Samson, and he’s nearly ready. We’re both nearly ready. He’ll be in his prime for another couple of years, and I want to make the most of them. I want to event, compete, show the world how far he’s come.”
“And after that?”
I shrugged. “I’ve no idea, but even if I didn’t event again I couldn’t guarantee I’d want to knock out a baby and do the mummy thing.”
“But you might?”
“I don’t know.”
He stubbed out his cigarette. “Sorry, of course you don’t. This is such bullshit. How can you possibly make a call on something like this so soon.”
The thought of Carl pained me, made me feel fucked up inside. “He wants itnow, Rick. I can’t. Not with Samson. Even though my dreams are going to shit, I still can’t.”
“He’s just jaded and scared, that’s all.”
The thought hit me in the belly. “Scared?”
He nodded. “Scared it won’t happen for him.”
“Why wouldn’t it? He’s a gorgeous guy, you’re both gorgeous guys. Kind and funny and successful. You should have a queue of potentials.”
He shook his head. “No. Nobody that fits. Nobody that really wants us, not for keeps. They want the sex, and the money. They want the fun and games. The baby, not so much.” He sighed. “Carl’s pretty cut up, thinks we won’t see you again, not properly.”
“And what do you think?”
“I dunno. I’m holding out a little hope here.” He smiled. “You’ve knocked our socks off, both of us.”
“Ditto,” I said. “You guys are awesome.”
“But you don’t want us, right? Not like that? Is this just… money? I get it, if it is. I wouldn’t blame you.”
My eyes widened. “Shit, no. No way. This isn’t about the money. It was about the money for about a week.”
“So what isit about? What do you want from us?”
I smiled. “You sound like him.”
He laughed. “Sorry. I just… we’re a bit lost. A bit fucked up. Flailing around trying to work out whether we’ve blown it or not.”
“He won’t wait, Rick. I could see it in his eyes. Maybe if he had ten years… maybe if he could just hang on and see…” I closed my eyes. “Why can’t he wait, Rick? Why now, why so breakneck? What’s so important that it has to be right now?”
He ran his fingers through his hair, eyes fixed on Samson in the distance.
“I think it’s time I told you about Carl,” he said.
I dropped to my ass on the wood-chippings and so did Rick. I crossed my legs and my stomach tightened in anticipation.
“I grew up lucky, really fucking lucky,” he started. “I always knew it, but it took me meeting a guy like Carl to realise just how good I had it as a kid. I had everything, everything that mattered. And Carl, poor fucking guy, he had nothing.”
“He mentioned a hostel, when we were in Brighton…”
Rick’s eyes met mine and they were so sad. “Children’s home. Shithole from what I gather. A whole lot of kids needing love, not enough people to love them. Not enough people to take care of them, even.”
