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“They split up?”
Rick’s eyes met mine, and he was wary of telling me. I could see the hesitation.
“You don’t have to tell me…” I said, but he shook his head.
“I do need to tell you.” He tossed thewoodchip from hand to hand. “Carl thought they were serious. He thought they were for keeps. They talked about it, he says, about settling down, having a family. It was all he ever wanted.”
“She didn’t want it?”
“She said she did. Stopped taking the pill, made all the right noises, said all the right things. I mean, they’d been together ages. Years and years without any real commitment, any real signs of her being ready, but he waited. He finally thought she was ready, she said she was ready.”
“She didn’t get pregnant?”
He sighed. “Apparently not. She kept telling him to give it time, said it would happen.”
“But it didn’t?”
He flicked the woodchip away. “She was lying.”
“Still on the pill?”
“No,” he said. “That would have been easier.” He closed his eyes. “Two abortions.”
Fucking hell.“Two?”
“At least two. A slip upfrom a friend who’d had too much to drink, mentioned it in passing, like he knew.”
“Oh my God.”
“He was fucking devastated. His whole life he’d wanted a family, months,yearsprobably of trying. Imagine that, all that waiting, all that trying, just to find out the woman you think you want to spend your life with has decided to terminate two of your kids without you knowing. Broke his fucking heart.”
I felt cold. Cold and sad. My stomach ached for him. “That’s horrible.”
“Yeah, it is. It really is. They split up over it, she walked away without really breaking a sweat. She never loved him, not really. I think she loved the idea of him, which is crazy to me, really fucking crazy, he’severythingto me.” He took a breath. “For a while we were just mates. A couple of beers at the weekend. Then a couple of beers in the week. We’d talk, a lot. Laugh a lot. We just fit together. We found other women when he was up to it, just casually.” He smiled a big smile. “I knew I loved him, even back then. I thought he was amazing. It took him a little longer. I guess it was the family thing. Or maybe he just wasn’t that into me.” He laughed a little. “I guess I wormed my way under his skin. Eventually.”
I smiled. “Did you always know you were bi?”
He nodded. “My family were awesome, taught us kids that love is love and that’s all that matters. It didn’t seem like a big deal to me, I just wanted who I wanted. They love Carl.” His eyes twinkled and it gave me butterflies. “They’d love you, too.”
I didn’t know what to say about that, so I said nothing. “Was Carl always bi, too?”
“I think so, maybe. For me my sexuality was no biggie, I just liked what I liked, loved who I loved. For Carl I think it was more of a take comfort where you can kinda thing, that’s how it started. I guess he found some solace in some of the other kids when he was headed off the rails, a bit of physical closeness through dark nights. An outlet for the urges, I dunno. He says he was grateful for any kind of love no matter where it came from, and that stuck, although now I thinkit comes from a much healthier place inside. For him it doesn’t really matter whether that love is from a guy or a girl, or both. He doesn’t always say it back, the magic little love phrase — a hang up from Mel, I guess — but he shows it, hefeelsit. Carl’sall about people, the people who care about him, people who want him. I wanted him. Ireallywanted him.”
I gave him a nudge. Squeezed his elbow. “And he wanted you. He loves you, that’s obvious.”
“I fucking love that guy. I love him so fucking much.” He sighed. “But we always wanted more. We wanted a family, right from early on, especially Carl. We figured we could have a polyamorous relationship, find someone on our wavelength, only it wasn’t so simple.” He paused. “Sex, yeah, that was simple. Money in exchange for sex, even easier, on the face of it. But something genuine? That evaded us.”
I didn’t speak, just listened.
“It’s hard for people, I guess. Threesomes are fun, hanging out as a threesome is fun, but to settle down? Do the whole poly thing long-term, with a kid, with a family, with funny looks from the other mums at the school playground?” He shook his head. “Sends people running. We’re like Saturday afternoon cocktails, me and Carl. Easy enough to get people to the bar for the buy-one-get-one-free, but they invariably guzzle enough to have a good time, then head off home for the night.”
“That isn’t how I see it,” I said. “Not now, I promise.”
“I hope not,” he said. “I really fucking hope not, because we’re in pretty deep with you, Katie. We think you’re amazing.”
I felt the blush. “Thanks.”
“I mean it. We think the world of you. Always will, no matter how things pan out.” He scratched at his beard. “Carl’s turning forty this year, and he’s feeling it. He’s worried it’s never gonnahappen for him, forus, and that even if it does he’ll be too old to enjoy all the things he’s spent his life dreaming about. Too old to enjoy his grandkids, knocking on retirement’s door before his kid’s even flown the nest. It makes him… demanding.”
