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I held up my hands, astounded. The shock ricocheting around my brain. “Scared of what? What were you scared of?”
“Scared of him.” She cleared her throat. “Notofhim, not like that. Scared of what he coulddo.”
“What could he do?” My voice sounded so pathetic, so small. “What could he possibly have done?”
“He’s David Faverley! He had money, connections, lawyers. He had a big house and a couple of kids of his own, he had a family!” She took a breath. “I was scared he’d take you away from me. Scared he’d fight me for you. Scared he’d win.”
“How could he win?! You’re my mother! I belonged with you! Anyonewould’ve seen that, Mum!”
“Christ, Katie, I know that now!” she said. “But back then, when I was struggling to sort my shit out, trying to prepare for a baby to come into a life that wasn’t prepared for one, back then it didn’t seem nearly so obvious.” She looked at her hands. “Your father was a great man, a powerful man. He’d already spat me out of his life and sent me reeling, he’d already taken everything from me. I couldn’t have him take you, too. And I couldn’t trust him, not after how he treated me. What if he did the same to you? What if he hurt you like he hurt me? I couldn’t, Katie… I just couldn’t…”
“So he didn’t know? He didn’t even know I was born? You didn’t tell him I existed?!”
She shook her head. “He knew I was pregnant. He found that out on his own.” She brushed her tears away, and my stomach pained again. “He found me, early on, before I was even showing. He demanded to know if it was true, what my plans were, and I was angry. I said the first thingthat came into my head. I told him he was too late, that I’d had an abortion.”
My skin froze. “You told him you’d got rid of me?!”
She nodded. “Don’t think I did it lightly. It didn’t feel good, Kate. Not one bit did it. He looked so hurt, when I told him. ButIwas hurt, too.”
I blinked the tears away. “Is that what you were planning? To get rid of me? Did you want to getrid of me, Mum?”
She reached for my hand, squeezed it hard. “No, of course I didn’t. I wanted you so much, Katie. You were everything to me, from the very first moment I knew I was pregnant.” She smiled, but it was a sad smile. “I didn’t want to need him, not when I was pregnant, not when you were a baby. I thought I’d tell you when you gota bit older, but it never felt right. We were happy, sweetheart. Weren’t we happy?” Her tears fell. “We were happy.Youwere happy. We didn’t need anything from him. Not a single thing.”
I shook my head. “No, we didn’t need anything. I was happy. But Mum, he was myfather. He was mydad.”
She nodded. “I know. I know, Katie. Believe me, I know.”
“I thought he didn’t care. I thought he didn’t want me!” I put my head in my hands, fought the urge to be sick.
“I’m sorry,” she said, like it was so simple.
I felt my lip tremble. “That’s it? You’re sorry? That’s all this comes down to?”
Her eyes were so blue, like mine, her freckles across her nose, just like mine. “You hated it there, right from day one. You hated their house, and you hated his kids. You hated going with him, I’d have to convince you every single weekend.”
“So?”
“So I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to make it worse.”
“How could it have made it worse?! How could knowing he didn’t hate me from birth make anything worse?!”
She calmed her breath, steadied herself. “I was afraid you’d hate me, too. Hate that I’d lied toyou…”
“I’dneverhave hated you!”
She took a breath. “…Two parents who’d let you down, two parents you couldn’t believe in, two parents you didn’t want to be around. How good would that have been for a little girl who was already hurting?”
“But he was mydad,” I said again. “Maybe if I’d have known…”
“Maybe it would have been different? It wouldn’t have been different, Katie, you hated being there. You hated all of it.”
“But if I’d known, Mum… I’d have had a choice…”
She shook her head. “Verity was spiteful, so was her vile mother. You said you didn’t want a dad, didn’t wantthatdad. You said you were happier just us.”
“I was ten! I didn’t know what I wanted!”
“AndImade a call. Maybe it wasn’t the right call, but it had already been so long, Katie.” Hervoice broke. “I’d brought you up so differently to them. We had nothing much, they had everything. You were gracious and kind and polite. You appreciated everything we had, and they appreciated nothing. You didn’t want his money, you wanted nothing of theirs. I didn’t see anything he could offer that you wanted, that would make it worth the pain and the heartache, not back then.”
