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“I love you, Katie, you’re my daughter. I always loved you.”
And I couldn’t say it back. No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much I wanted to believe him, wanted to believe I had a dad, and that that dad loved me, had always loved me. No matter how much my heart thumped in my chest and my stomach pained with all the hurt and all the forgotten dreams, I just couldn’t say it back.
I didn’t know him enough to love him.
Didn’t know him at all.
But maybe one day.
I wrapped my arms around my father’s shoulders, and I stayed there, just long enough to count.
And that would have to be enough.
For today.
The tears pricked again as I pulled up outside the Cheltenham office, and underneath them my thoughts were all fucked up. Sadness, and shock, and a glimmer of hope.
And anger. There was anger there.
Not at my mum, who’d done her best despite a fewwrong calls. Not even at my dad, who’d let her down and made a few wrong calls of his own. Epic style.
My anger was at Verity.
The cold steely determination in my belly turned hot, and it spat and spluttered.Maybe if she hadn’t been so cruel. Maybe if she hadn’t made me feel so worthless, so unwelcome. Maybe then, I’d have been able to stay, just enough to get to know him, just enough to know he didn’t hate me.
Maybe things would have been different.
I sighed to myself. What did that really matter now?
I breathed out all my hurt, all my anger, breathed out all the bitterness and confusion, and fear. And what was left was me, just me, the same me I’d always been.
Except now I knew the truth.
Finally, after all this time, and all this hurt, I knew the truth.
Carl pulled me aside on my way in, but I shook my head.
“I’m alright,” I said, and brushed his hand from mine. “I’m good.”
“What did he say?”
“Lots,” I shrugged. “Nothing. Everything.”
“Want to go talk?” His eyes were so hard on mine.
I shook my head again. “I want to work, Carl. I need the headspace.”
He nodded. “Alright, Katie, whatever you want. I’m right here.”
“I know,” I said, and I did know.
I hammered the fuck out of my calls that afternoon. I was on a mission, consumed by nothing other than the desire to forget it all and fly high on the leaderboard. I chased up all my prospects, closed everything I could into an opportunity, and those leads clocked up for me. Even Ryan looked confused.
“Who put the steam in your kettle today?”
I shrugged. “Just my lucky day, I guess.”
He reached out to me, pretended to bathe in my glory. “I hope it’s contagious.”
