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To do with the way they were there for me, the way they loved me, and cared for me, and came through for me when I needed them.
Maybe it was to do with the way they always put me before themselves, my schedule before their own.
Maybe it was the waythey were so strong. The way Carl had come through for Samson when I couldn’t, stayed at his side when I couldn’t, the way Rick had held my hand so tight in the ambulance and hadn’t let go, not once.
Maybe it was because Carl’s birthday was looming, and I knew, I knew how much he wanted a family, knew how badly the clock inside was ticking for him. Knew how much it meant to him.
I’m certain it was to do with the way he held me tight when his birthday finally arrived, told me I meant more than any of it and had done for some time, more than his dream, more than being a dad at forty, and being young enough to enjoy all the things that younger dads do.
The way he told me we were in it for the long haul, the three of us, baby or no.
Mebefore his dream.
He putmebefore his dream.
It made it so easy to want to put him before the tattered remnants of mine.
But despite all of this, all this pondering, all the reasons that could have contributed to why, I think it was really quite simple when it came down to it.
I have a body and a heart and a mind, and at least two of the three of those overruled my decision to avoid babies my entire life.
At least two of those three wanted Carl’s baby. Rick’s, too, and the other part, my stickler of a mind? Well, that came round, too.
My ovaries began to combust every time they’d walk in the room, every time they’d smile and laugh, and tell me this was it, that we were it. For keeps.
Forever.
I’d feel an ache in my belly at the thought of holding their baby in my arms,mybaby. Our baby.
At the thought of being a family of our very own.
So one day I didn’t pop that contraceptive pill in the morning. I put it right back in the box, and I didn’t take one again.
I kept an eye on my periods and plotted one of those fertility planners out on my phone, and kept quiet until I was ready to talk about it.
Until my leg was up to it, to taking them both, at just the right time.
I slapped Rick’s hand aside as he tried to help me upstairs.
“I can do it,” I said, and poked my tongue out. “I’m back on my feet now.”
“Busted,” he said. “It was just an excuse to grab a feel, you know that.”
“Sure it was.”
Carl was already in the en suite, already naked for bed, his cock already at half-mast as we stepped into the bedroom. He gave us a smile as he brushed his teeth, and my belly did a weird little flutter. I joined him in the bathroom, and so did Rick, washing up happily in silence as the tension thrummed between us.
I cast aside my clothes, and raised my leg carefully, examined the fading scar as I did every evening.
But Rick and Carl weren’t looking at that, they were looking at me, their eyes all over me.
“How are you feeling?” Carl asked, and it was pointed.
I smiled. “I’m good. I’mwell. Same as I’ve beenwellenough the last twenty times you’ve asked me.”
“Just wanting to be sure,” he said. He washed his face and towelled dry, and I was waiting, my hands on his waist as he turned.
“Both of you,” I said. I looked at Rick, at his easy grin. “I want both of you, at once. Like we used to do.”
