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“So was I…”
Iris rolled her eyes. “I have a confession. I’m letting you know, between you and me, that my employer got a lot of money, but it ain’t clean money.”
“Money laundering, drug dealin’, theft ring, or pimpin’? If it’s the fourth one, don’t deal wit’ him at all. He can sell his own bussy.”
“No, the second one… he’s a… he’s a dealer.” Her voice dropped and she looked about as if her call was being taped by the FBI. Feeling a bit silly, she began to speak normally again. “I’m not affiliated with that stuff, but he and I kind of got into it about it when I confronted him. Well, I told him I didn’t like it, and he said some things to me that made me think. I don’t know if I’m making excuses for him or what,” She shrugged, then took a deep breath, “But, have you ever… I don’t know, felt like something was dead wrong, and you knew it was wrong, but somebody made you see it a different way?”
“Sorry, I was buttering this toast and didn’t understand the last thing you said, baby. Repeat that or explain it better so I can follow you.”
“I mean, you still think it’s wrong, but, I don’t know, something has changed. It’s like he put roots on me or something.” She laughed nervously. Aunt Blue was quiet on the other end for a bit, but she could hear her moving around.
“All right, Iris, let me tell you, like I told some of the clients when I worked as a receptionist at the doctor’s office, and a paralegal waaaay back in the day. Sometimes, we think we know it all, okay? Have somethin’ all figured out. We get an ache or pain and think, that’s because of the times I ran track back in 1986, or that’s from me givin’ birth umpteen years ago. That might be true, and it might not be. That’s why getting more than our own opinion from someone with a bit more information, might just be useful. Not only do we have our own opinions and make our own diagnoses about ourselves and others, kind of like when we were talking about the melatonin early, we then try to convince others that our way is right, even if we have no proof.
“We grew up a certain way. Our mamas taught us this is right, that’s wrong. We go to church, as we should, and we read the Good Book. We live our lives a certain way, all of us fallin’ short of the glory of God. That being said, when someone is doing something wrong, like you said this fella sellin’ drugs, but he got you thinkin’ about it different, it means something he said resonated with you. It don’t mean you cosign, that it suddenly is okay, or you agree with it, it just means he gave you some food for thought. Now, either he’s slick as butter, or he got some knowledge in his head. If he’s successful at this, and it sounds like he is, he’s probably a combination of both. I know this is going to sound ignorant, but at least he’s good at something. You said the man he got you watchin’ is a friend of his, right? He’s slow?”
“Yes ma’am, but we say mentally challenged. That’s more acceptable.”
“I ain’t politically correct. We called it slow and if ya ask me, mentally challenged sounds worse, but all right. Anyway, last night, you called and told me he’s real protective over him.”
“Yes, ma’am. It was almost like watching someone else. I mean, not that I know Jude all that well to compare it to another side of him, but the bravado was gone. He was nothin’ but gentle and caring. And he was watchin’ me, tryna see if I’d make a mistake. The pressure was on me, and I knew that if I said just one thing wrong, or messed up, it was over. Jude said he’s had a bunch of folks in there for Eli, but they never showed the compassion he was looking for. He’s real picky about it now.”
“That means he must see something in you, Iris. You’re special.” Her cheeks warmed. “You gotta understand, if he sells drugs, then that means he is always on alert, probably paranoid just so he can stay one foot in front of the police. People who do that sort of thing for a livin’ don’t make it because they’re imprudent or bad judges of character. This man knows what he’s doing, and he won’t settle for less.”
“Blue, you know what he does isn’t right though. I’ve got—”
“Now you listen here, we can’t just paint people in a box, baby. You know I’m not about to approve of nobody out here poisoning people, but at the same time, these folks buying from him ain’t got a gun to their head. Matter of fact, I bet they’re going to him first. I know it’s wrong, but so are a lot of thangs in life. We got a few addicts in our family, some of them dead now, but I don’t blame the dealers. I blame the unhealed traumas inside of them that made ’em run to it in the first place! Somebody tryna stuff down emotions is going to findsomethingto stuff it down with! It could be drugs, tobacco, liquor, food, sex, you name it!”
“Now you sound like him…”
“Well, sorry, Charlie, but it’s true. He knows it’s wrong deep down, too, regardless of what he may have told you. But just because somebody doing the wrong thing to make it in this world don’t mean they’re a terrible person.”
“Our actions say a lot about us, Blue.”
“Girl, you got teachers, firefighters, doctors and ministers out here abusin’, selling, and killin’ kids under the radar, all ’cause people like you look at them and think they an upstanding citizen, while villainizing Ray-Ray and Kecia on their name alone. And come to find out, the wolf in sheep’s clothing been murking everything in sight! You think the Devil gonna tell you he the Devil when he wanna use you?! He only reveals that after he got yo’ ass! Just because they’re a teacher or preacher don’t make them God! Soon as the news come on, a story break out, talkin’ about old Reverend so and so was raping little boys, and everybody come talking about he’d never do such a thing, then when proof comes out of him sending pics and videos of his shriveled-up dick and low-hangin’ balls to children’s phones, people wanna talk about God is the road to forgiveness, and we just gotta pray for ’em! I ain’t praying for no child molester, and him and his Cinco De Mayo dry ass taco-meat covered balls can go straight to hell!
“Blue…” Iris dropped her head and fought yet another bout of laughter.
“I’m serious! People think because so and so is this or that, it means they can do no wrong. That’s why we always end up disappointed and follow the wrong folks, Iris. We always looking for a shepherd, because we’re sheep in thought. We want someone else to figure it out for us, instead of us thinkin’ for ourselves. That’s why I’m the black sheep of the family, but baby, I ain’t following nobody. I’m the leader.”
“Blue, you are not the black sheep of the family!” Iris curved her lips in a half-smile. In truth, Bluewaslooked at as if she were some green alien. She was self-made and did not care what anyone thought of her. She was simply amazing, a woman Iris always looked up to.
“You know damn well I am, girl, and that’s fine. It’s because I refused to sacrifice myself for just any ol’ body so I could say I was married. I worked two jobs at once so I could save money, buy some things I wanted, and travel every now and again. I refused to have children when there was no guarantee their father would stick around and help me raise ’em, tryna turn me into some baby makin’ machine, and I refused to not have a career that I enjoyed, and an equal partnership. I accepted the fact that the man I want don’t exist, so I became the woman I wanted to be, regardless of that. We wanna rush girls to get married and knocked up and all of this other shit, because it’s tradition—and we put our worth in a man. We only feel important if we got a man, if we pregnant by a man, givin’ birth to some man’s chi’dren, workin’ hard for him, payin’ the bulk of the bills, and being the caretaker too, all for a man. We’re cooking and cleaning for a man, fightin’ some hussy for a man… Shrinking ourselves down so we don’t bruise the fragile ego for a dumb ass, broke, foul motha-pumpkin man! But what aboutus? Who feels important becausewe’reby their side? Where in the hell are Black women and girls’ esteem, baby? It shouldn’t be tied ’round the ankle of no man! We got two feet. We can walk this thang called life by ourselves!”
She could hear the rattle, moans, and sighs embedded within the fractured words of Blue’s arguments, like a tapestry soaked in the scent of ancient incense smolder and the unanswered prayers of the ancestors, a curl of smoke spelling out the words, ‘Self-Love.’
“The Black woman birthed this world, girl, and what thanks do we get in return? What have we got to show for it? We get blamed for all the woes and wrongs in our community. We are judged by people who ain’t never stepped foot in no hood. Be careful to not do the same thing to this man. You gotta be careful about thinkin’ something is supposed to go one way, and this gotta be perfect and just so for you to toss your hat in the ring. Iris, I know you been through some shit, so your guard is up, baby, I get it, been there myself a time or two, but be careful about thinking you got it all figured out. None of us do. I tell you one thing though, you aren’t like me, baby. You got far more patience and something about you makes men go crazy. Your ex-husband is proof of that. I heard through the grapevine yo’ name still slip off his lip. Now, back to this Jude man. You already said you’re not involved in his mess, so rest easy.”
“I’m not. Me going to this home to visit this man has nothing to do with what Jude is doing, Aunt Blue. The two don’t even seem like they’d interfere, ’cept for the fact I’d be getting paid with the money he makes. Blood money.”
“You told me he owns a beer makin’ place, too, so that ain’t necessarily true, either. Money ain’t the root of all evil. People are, Iris. How you gonna blame a piece of paper for your own actions? Money ain’t did shit to anyone but pay a bill. Just because he sell dope don’t mean he can’t do no good in this world. I’m not telling you to fall in love and marry him. I am telling you that his profession doesn’t make him some leper. We gotta dig deeper and think deeper, honey. Just like some folks sayin’ God ain’t real because little babies are dying, and the world is a shitty place. Maybe we were lied to? Maybe God just creates us, and toldusto help answer each other’s prayers? Be our brothers’ and sisters’ keepers. God is inside of everyone, even the drug dealers, whores and murderers, baby. Not every prostitute is truly a whore to her core. Not every thief just looooves to steal. Not every sinner hisses at the thought of being forgiven and doing better tomorrow…”
Iris pulled into her parking spot at her apartment building and sat there, listening. Blue was right. She damn near had tears in her eyes because she knew at that point, her aunt was speaking from a point of hard truth, and pain. That pain was now coming through the phone and soothing her like a salve.
“Blood money, Aunt Blue. That’s what it is, no matter how you toss it though. I’m so conflicted. I want the job so badly. I need it—it would make things so much easier and it’s not difficult to do. It’s probably going to be fun, too, because Eli is sweet as pie, but then, there’s Jude…”
“You keep doing what I told you to stop doing. You’re on auto-pilot because you’re scared.”
“That’s not true.”
