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But of course that was impossible. Rules were rules, and touching was against them. Jordan hugged me tight, and then, too quickly, he let me go.
The front of his shirt was wet with my tears, and there was a black hole where my heart was supposed to be. But also—there was a sudden kind of quiet inside my head.
What if hiding a thing could be harder than letting it out?
Letting it go?
Mom, you tried to save us.
Mary, I miss you so much.
I lifted my head and looked into Jordan’s eyes. I tried to speak but no words came out.
“I promise,” he said, “everything’s going to be better from now on.”
CHAPTER 108
Jordan practically skips onto the ward the next day. He can’t wait to see Hannah. The hours they spent talking after he’d told her what he learned were hard but amazing. There had been more tears—but there’d been laughter, too.
Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner?
It was Chewie.
In retrospect, he probably could’ve laid off the dad jokes, but those came after they’d walked around the hospital grounds the entire afternoon, feeding the half-tame squirrels and talking about Hannah’s past. There was a lot she still didn’t remember. But a door had been opened. And more importantly, she was ready to walk through it.
Any worry that he’d done the wrong thing had vanished. Against all odds, he’s made a difference. He’s given Hannah back to herself. It’s going to be a long road to healing. But he hopes their old friend Dr. Freud, who was wrong about many things, will be right about this one: “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”
But then he turns the corner to go to Room 5A, and reality comes crashing down on him.
Hannah is yelling and sobbing in the hallway. She’s clawed ather cheeks with her nails and pulled out fistfuls of her hair. There’s a knot of patients staring at her in shock. She’s not wearing any pants or shoes. Her legs are streaked with scratches.
“Everybody step back!” Amy yells. “Give us space!”
No one obeys her.
Even Jordan is frozen to the spot. He knows he should help Amy, direct the patients to the lounge, but instead he stands there motionless, horrified.
“He lied to me,” Hannah cries. “The baron lied!”
Dr. Ager comes running. “Sedate her,” she directs as two nurses grab Hannah’s arms and Amy goes to prep a B-52.
Hannah screams and cries. “He lies, he lies, he lies!”
Oh, my god, Jordan thinks.What have I done?
DELIA F. BELMAN MEMORIAL PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL PATIENT LOG
Date:3/9/23, 11:39 a.m.
Name:Hannah Doe
BACKGROUND: Pt woke early and seemed disoriented, with labile mood. Disorientation and emotional dysregulation increased throughout the morning, and after meeting with Dr. Nicholas, pt appeared delusional. Vocalizations loud and frantic without clear meaning. References to marriage, castle, and sickness were made. Pt inconsolable. Placed in QR in high state of agitation.
RESPONSE: In brief moment of lucidity it was felt that pt sought PRN for acute anxiety and fear. Administered lorazepam and haloperidol. Pt slept.
Vital signs normal.
CHAPTER 109
