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Depakote ER 1500 mg PO QPM
Zyprexa 10 mg PO QAM
Ativan 3 mg PRN
The list of medications goes on and on, Seroquel, Latuda, Invega … PO means by mouth, QHS is at bedtime, BID means twice a day.
He flips to his notes on her behavior.
1/19/23:RNs took Hannah to the quiet room at 10:43 a.m. It took ninety-plus minutes for her to calm down. I didn’t see anyone give her meds but I think they must have. Maybe she took them willingly.
1/24/23:Hannah shared a poem in group therapy. She said it was a sestina about time, but no one knew what a sestina was. Then she yelled that everyone was “a bunch of cretins.” Lulu scolded her.
1/26/23:Hannah didn’t recognize me. Or she didn’t seem to. Maybe she was pretending. Which would be worse—her not recognizing me, or her acting like she didn’t?
The binder began innocently enough—a class assignment on what life in a psychiatric hospital was like. But he quickly had toadmit that he primarily cared aboutHannah’slife in a psychiatric hospital, and soon after that, he had to acknowledge that he was writing down everything about her because he was hoping that this would actually help him think about herless. He wanted Hannah to live on paper instead of inside his head.
It didn’t work. He keeps thinking that he sees her in the common room of his dorm. Or in a big lecture hall, headphones over her ears, waiting for class to begin. Or once, standing outside a bubble tea place with a boy with locs and a girl wearing a panda backpack. Laughing. Posing for a picture.
It feels a lot like being haunted.
She comes to him in dreams, too. In the one he has most often, Hannah visits his dorm room. She’s dressed in regular clothes—clothes that fit, and shoes with actual laces—and she’s carrying a fat binder and a heavy backpack. She tells him that he missed class that morning, that there was a huge test, and that because he wasn’t there to take it, he’ll fail the whole semester.
It’s a nightmare on the one hand, and wishful thinking on the other. Because in the dream, Hannah’s better. And Dream Jordan knows that it’s all because of him.
So he wakes up in the middle of the night and stares at the ceiling and wonders if he’s a good person—or the worst person he knows.
Because his notes are becoming a case study. In this fat, black binder is the raw material for his Ab Psych thesis, which is turning out to be all about Hannah Doe.
Every interaction with her has become research. Information. A data point. He isn’t just a hospital intern anymore. And he isn’t just Hannah’s friend.
He’s a sleuth and a spy.
CHAPTER 76
“Rouse yourself, Hannah. You have a visitor.” Margery’s voice was quiet but urgent.
Blearily I sat up, pushing off the heavy layers of velvet blankets. I rubbed my eyes until the chambermaid came into focus.What happened? What am I doing in this bed?
Margery held out a silver cup. “Drink.”
Obediently I took a sip. The wine filled my mouth with a terrible, cloying sweetness. I could barely swallow it. I pressed the cup back into her hands. “Margery,” I said, “What happened? What day is it?” My throat was raw, and it hurt to speak.
She pressed her finger to her lips, silencing me. “She’s awake now,” she said over her shoulder, turning and curtsying. “My lord.”
She pulled aside the heavy drapes that surrounded the bed. The baron himself was standing, tall and stiff, in the muted light of the narrow window. He wore a deep red doublet and a matching tunic, and a ruby ring flashed on the long third finger of his right hand.
When he stepped toward me, I shrank back against the pillows.
He stopped, frowning in confusion. “Why do you flinch?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
You killed Otto. You killed Mary.
But here you are, taking care of me.
“You have nothing to be afraid of.” Baron Joachim narrowed his cool eyes at me. “You were the frightening one, shrieking like you were blind and mad.”
