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Her words surprised me, and they sounded so mature, I didn’t know what to think. Maybe Washington was good for Birdie, but I had to see it for myself.
“Please come visit me?” I begged.
“I will,” she promised.
“Next weekend? I’ll buy you the tickets.”
“I can do it,” she said with a smile in her voice. “All grown up, remember?”
“Right.” I laughed.
“I don’t know about next weekend. It might be a couple of weeks with my schoolwork, but I will come.”
“Okay. I’m going to hold you to that.”
“I miss you,” she whispered. “I’ll see you soon okay?”
“Miss you too. See you soon.”
We hung up, and I stared at the ceiling for a long time before I decided to move. I thought about what Birdie said, and the truth was that I did feel different. My time with Lucian had changed me already in ways I couldn’t have imagined. He forced me to confront my demons, and I didn’t like it, but it felt like I needed it.
But that wasn’t the reason I felt lighter today. After waking up with the hangover from hell, I thought I would hate Luna for whatever concoction she gave me the night before. I felt as though I’d been tricked, and a part of me was angry. I certainly couldn’t trust her, I knew that much.
But something was different about me, and I didn’t know if it was the drink or the intense night and morning I’d spent with Lucian. Things were becoming clearer for me. Sharper.
I’d been dealt a shitty hand of cards in life, and I never realized until now just how fucking angry I’d been about it. The cons, the men, the money… I had so much suppressed rage built up over the years, it was my way of taking back power. When Birdie and I finally escaped Ricky, I felt like the world owed us everything for the hell we went through. It worked for a while, but deep down in the black cavity of my heart, I knew it wasn’t going to work anymore.
Lucian was preparing me for the world, trying to teach me all the things I never learned before he let me go. The problem was that now I was scared to fly.
It terrified me more than anything, considering what my life would be like when things with him eventually came to an end. He told me he couldn’t love me, and I believed him. This wasn’t my fairy-tale ending, and I wasn’t deluded enough to even consider it, but it didn’t mean I was as good at protecting myself as he was.
BEING THAT IT WAS A Sunday, the shelter was almost completely full when I walked in. I knew from the briefing we’d received that the ladies participated in community activities and work skills on a regular basis throughout the week, but the weekends were for downtime.
Nina raised her brows when she saw me walk in carrying two oversized garbage bags, and I told her there were more in my car. She sent another volunteer to help me carry them in, and within two minutes, the entire contents of my closet were sitting in the middle of the people who probably needed them the most.
All the trophies I’d collected, the material objects I’d lusted over and worked so hard for, scheming and manipulating… they had very suddenly and without warning lost their luster. When I looked at them now, I was disgusted by everything these clothes and shoes represented. But I knew they still had a purpose; it just wasn’t for me.
“I don’t know if any of it’s practical,” I told Nina. “But I figured maybe they could get some use out of these.”
“Clothes are always practical for women in crisis,” she said. “I can’t thank you enough for doing this.”
My cheeks flushed with heat when she walked into the center of the room and made an announcement, publicly thanking me for my donation and telling the ladies to come up and take their picks.
I didn’t want the acknowledgment, but I received it nonetheless. Now that I had done my good deed, I was ready to run, but the director proceeded to lure me into conversation as the feeding frenzy began. The women tore through the bags, gasping at the designer labels and clinging to whatever piece they chose like it was their lifeline. Some even had tears in their eyes as they thanked me, and admittedly, I had to look away. I didn’t want them to think I was good, especially when I had done bad to get these items.
“I should go,” I said.
“Wait!”
I turned around to find Luna staring back at me, a pained expression tarnishing her pretty features.
My eyes narrowed in on her. “What are you doing here?”
“It’s Sunday,” she said. “I work here on Sundays.”
I didn’t answer, and I still wanted to leave, even if she was trying to express how sorry she was.
