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Her answer didn’t make me feel any better. I didn’t know if I could actually stomach the details of whatever she was talking about. My mind was running wild with possibilities, wondering what kind of sexual deviance Ace was into. It must have been evident because Kylie took pity on me.
“Have you seen his scars?” she asked quietly.
I swallowed and shook my head. Ace knew most of my secrets, and I hated feeling as if I knew hardly any of his.
“If he ever shows you his scars, then maybe you’ll understand,” Kylie explained. “What I gave to him wasn’t love. It was just what he needed to feel normal.”
“Are you telling me you hurt him?” I stared at her in disbelief.
She released a breath of smoke and turned away from the judgment in my voice. Even now, after everything, I felt protective of Ace. Maybe it didn’t make sense, but the thought of anyone hurting him was unbearable.
“Everyone deals with their traumas differently,” Kylie answered. “Just as I’m sure you have your own way of dealing with yours.”
Her response made me shut my mouth as I’m sure she knew it would. I didn’t want to believe my issues were that obvious, but maybe I wasn’t as hard coated as I always considered myself to be.
“At the risk of sounding like a mother, I just think you should be careful,” Kylie warned. “Ace has a lot of issues he’s never really worked through. I think he wants to care about you, but whether he’s capable of being in a healthy relationship remains to be seen.”
The distant sounds of traffic and city noise engulfed us.
“Do you know anything about Mary-Kate?” I asked.
“Who?” Kylie glanced at me.
So that was a no. I wasn’t about to tell her what I’d found today. It wasn’t my place to tell, and it felt like saying anything would be a betrayal somehow even though that was silly. I didn’t owe Ace anything, especially after today. Still, I had to wonder just how many people were aware of his past. Clearly, Lucian was. But what about Gypsy? Had she sent me to live with a monster intentionally?
“Never mind.” I scrubbed a hand over my face and yawned, exhausted. “It’s been a long day. I’m just tired. Thank you for letting me crash here tonight.”
“No problem.” Kylie offered me a sleepy smile. “I think I’m about ready for bed too. Let me know if you need me to give you a ride somewhere in the morning. I leave at seven for work.”
“Okay,” I agreed, though I knew it wasn’t necessary. She’d already done enough for me, and by morning, I would be gone.
I HESITATED ON THE THRESHOLD of Saint Vincent’s, half fearful that if I stepped inside, my skin would melt from my body like a scene in a horror movie. This was not a place for con artists or degenerates like me. No amount of holy water or Hail Marys could save my wretched soul. But I wasn’t here for salvation. I was here for answers, and I hoped I would find them inside.
I only half expected to find him here. Before Lucian had the baby with my sister, he would be here without fail on the same days during the week. But things had changed after the events of the past year. He was anxious anytime he had to leave his wife and child at home, so I didn’t know how frequently he visited anymore.
Regardless of my uncertainty, I gripped the handle and stepped inside. The building was large and empty. The kind of empty that made each step echo off the walls. Pausing at the holy font, I stared into the water, observing my distorted reflection in the stillness. That girl didn’t look like me. And I knew exactly who was to blame for the difference from only a couple of weeks ago.
My beating heart slowed to a crawl as I closed my eyes and dipped a trembling hand into the bowl. Even if I didn’t believe in it, maybe there was still a chance I could wash away the sins of the past. I made the sign of the cross, not really knowing what else to do. A shiver moved over me, and I wrapped my cardigan around my shoulders as I walked down the aisle between the empty rows of church pews. At the front, I lit a candle and studied the display before I took a seat in an empty pew.
For a while, I just sat there with my thoughts. The silence was peaceful, even if I did feel out of place. I thought about Ace and the many directions my life had taken over the years. With a deep breath, I unzipped the tightness in my chest and allowed every anxious, horrible thought I’d ever had to spill out onto the floor and shatter beneath me. But I couldn’t rid myself of one awful feeling.
