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“I’m sorry I made the whole baby thing about the money,” he says. “It was the only thing I could make sense of, to be honest. I know you wanted us to talk about the realities of having a kid, not just the finances.”
“I overreacted.” I shake my head. It feels like such a dumb argument now, with last night hanging over us as a reminder of what’s really at stake. “I was feeling vulnerable, so I snapped because it wasn’t what I’d hoped to hear.”
“What did you hope to hear?”
I swallow. There’s a lump in my throat that feels as big as a boulder. “That maybe you’d want to stay and see what happened. Maybe we could be more than a fling.”
His jaw tightens, but I don’t know if it’s pain or frustration or something else. Owen is Fort Knox with his emotions. But I need to know how he feels.
“It’s going to sound like a fucking cliché to say it’s not you, it’s me. But it’s true.” He sighs. “You’re perfect, Hannah. You’re kind and smart and a total badass. You’re the best cop I know.”
“But?” It almost kills me to say the word, no matter how much I know it’s coming.
“Your job puts you in danger every day and...I don’t think I could take it.” He shakes his head. “It’s my weak spot, not yours. I’m already screwed up about relationships and loss, and knowing you’ve got the kind of job where you’re in the literal firing line would make me crazy. Last night, I would have taken a bullet for you.”
“Youdidtake a bullet for me.” I’m crying now and the tears won’t stop. They start slow—fat drops that well and fall, until they come faster. Owen reaches up, even though I can see it pains him, to brush them away from my cheek.
“I would have taken ten bullets. Twenty.” His blue eyes hold me captive and I want to promise him everything...but I can’t.
“I’m not going to quit my job,” I say.
“You shouldn’t. Victoria Police is better with you in its ranks.” His hand squeezes mine. “You’re amazing and I’m broken.”
“You’re not broken, Owen.”
“The second I thought something was going to happen to you...” The worry that streaks over his face is raw and so stark it makes my breath catch in my throat. “I have purposefully stayed away from you ever since I started at the academy, because I knew I’d fall for you.”
“How could you have known that?”
“I just did. You had this spark about you, the way you told all the boys that one day they’d be reporting to you.”
I laugh, in spite of the tears. I’d gone into the academy believing I needed to assert myself—I was young and plucky and more than a little obnoxious. But Owen had never made me feel like I needed to prove myself. He made me feel...respected. Equal.
“Why do you have to be so damn charming while you’re rejecting me?” I swallow, trying to stem my emotions.
“I’m sorry. I want more than anything to be the kind of guy who makes you happy...but it’s not me. You don’t want someone who wakes up with night terrors, who feels like running away is the most natural thing in the world. You don’t want someone who’s going to bring you down.”
“Don’t tell me what I want, Owen.” I pull my hand out of his grip and stand, my body filled with mixed-up, conflicting emotion. “One minute I’m perfect and the next you’re pushing me away and trying to act like you know what’s best for me.”
“I’m saving us both a lot of pain.”
“It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like you’re not willing to give us a chance even though we both want to be together.” I look up to the stark white ceiling of the hospital room as if I might find answers there. “And I do...want to be with you.”
“Is this about the...that you might be pregnant?”
Shit. It almost slipped my mind that he doesn’t know—I’ve been too focused on what happened last night. “I’m not pregnant. And yes, I’m sure.”
He looks at me as if waiting for me to elaborate.
“I don’t know how I feel about it, either,” I add. “I’m both relieved and also disappointed, if that’s even possible.”
“You want to have a family.”
“I do.” I shake my head. “I think this whole thing solidified it. I want to be a mother. And it’s crazy but when I think about having a family, I see us. I know that’s like the quickest way I could make you run, but these last few weeks...we fit together. I don’t know what it is yet, but my gut tells me it’s worth fighting for. Wehavesomething, Owen. This connection isn’t something I’ve ever felt with anyone else.”
He turns his head away, so I can’t see what he’s thinking. “I know exactly what this is and that’s why I’m running scared. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt myself.”
“So that’s it? I’m in the ‘too hard’ basket?”
