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He scowls. “I haven’t seen anybody sulk over a girl like this since Dylan last year, and he was a right fucking pain in the arse.”
I bite back commenting how his past drug addiction messed with Blue Phoenix way more than I am with Ruby Riot right now, but I’m not that stupid.
“Talk to her,” presses Ruby.
Uncomfortable talking about this shit in front of Jem, I mumble something and head into the small lounge area, where we congregate in between recording tracks. The fridge in the corner of the room is stacked with beer and water and I grab a bottle — of water. The urge to open a beer tugs, but these days I strive to prove them all wrong. The decision to drink is fully in my control. I chose to before because I wanted to live up to the dream. Of course, I took things too far, but who the hell wouldn’t in my position? Nobody gives Will and Nate shit about drinking.
Will and Nate who never turned up late for rehearsals due to drinking too much the night before. Who are fully aware of stupid shit they do instead of so inebriated they can’t remember.
Will and Nate: rock stars who know their limits and don’t assault people.
Who don’t ruin things with the girl they love.
45
TEGAN
Jax texts me.
A cautious ‘hello’. An exchange of pleasantries.
I appreciate his attempt to be neutral and not push himself on me by turning up on my doorstep. I doubt he’d be brave enough since I’m living with Bryn still.
I agree, and offer to chat to him after the gig tonight. He’s clever. If he wants to show me the changes he’s made to rock star Jax, this is his chance. Tonight is the culmination of my last six-week’s work, and a moment for him to shine and remind me of the man I fell in love with.
A local radio station announced the surprise gig this afternoon. Fans were given the task of bringing Ruby Riot merchandise to the venue to prove themselves as fans. Next free tickets were handed out on a first come, first served basis. The response surprises even the band — the news went viral within minutes and the numbers arriving within an hour led to a throng queuing behind a long cordon. I hang around to watch the chaos, a sense of pride at how successful we’ve been. Many fans are left disappointed, all tickets allocated in less than two hours. A group of die-hards remain outside, intending to listen anyway. I told Riley we should’ve booked a bigger venue, but Riley informs me the choice was deliberate. Here, there’s an intimacy between the band and audience; something special the select few have achieved.
Rumours flew that Blue Phoenix is playing too; but only Jem's here, watching over Ruby. I pass them in the hallway on the way back from the bathrooms. They're a curious couple. I expect them to be as volatile with each other as they are to the rest of the world, but they bring peace to each other. Secretly, my hope that Jax and I can try again comes from watching the Blue Phoenix couples. Commitment is possible in this mad world, if the right person comes along and compromises are made.
Unsure whether any rabid Jax fans will be part of the crowd, I tuck myself away near security at the rear of the venue. Jem joins me and I question him too over why Ruby Riot plays a place a quarter the size they usually do. Jem explains they gigged this venue in London regularly in the beginning, and is where Jem spotted them.
Nobody pays attention to me, the chance of being up close and almost personal with Ruby Riot is a bigger draw card than if his ex-girlfriend is here. My mouth tips in amusement at the girls screaming the band members’ names.
As time passes, Will and Nate continue to grow their own fan base, which feeds their egos too. Personally, I can't tell them apart unless they have their shirts off or if I talk to one of them for a few minutes. Nate's rougher around the edges than his brother. He’s a joker in public; but attempt to talk to him alone, and he’s taciturn. He’s stronger in his opinions than Will, who’s more likely to back off from an argument. I can tell who is who when they’re around girls too. Nate attracts them with his aloof nature, whilst Will prefers to laugh them into bed.
The band takes the stage and the crowd surges with a yell.
When I look over, I’m unprepared for the force of emotion slamming into me. I struggle to breathe; the stifling air in the overcrowded space intensifies the shaking dizziness overcoming me. This is why I walked away last month, the extreme influence this man has over me — body, heart, and soul — changed everything and terrified me.
Jax’s appearance grips the crowd with his perfect fusion of talent and presence. Sure, he strikes the pose of confidence that comes from his self-assured brilliance; but even when not engaging with the crowd, he fills the stage. The same goose bumps as the first night I saw Jax perform raise along my arms.
I’m unaware of the band launching into their first track, unable to take my eyes off how the muscles in his arms move as he plays, or the way his blond hair dips into his eyes. His sensual mouth purses in concentration on his performance; and as perspiration dampens his shirt and hair, the memories of Jax naked join the desire to touch him. I would happily fight my way through the crowd to get my hands on Jax, to kiss him, and hope the force of my passion is returned.
I laugh to myself. Oh yes, he’s clever. Jax knew exactly what he was doing choosing tonight to reach out to me after two silent weeks.
The energy hums through the room as the crowd feeds the band more power. Jem stands next to me, as captivated by the band as I am. His love for Ruby is expressed by how he watches her the same way I watch Jax, face softened by a smile rarely seen on Jem Jones. I've read the world’s doubts about his and Ruby's ability to parent; but if they can show their baby half the love they have for each other, the child will have more than most do in a lifetime.
Ruby Riot finish up the set with one of their older tracks, a viral song I heard in bars when I travelled last year. How does that life seem so far away when it’s been a matter of months? The crowd around are on the edge of Ruby Riot’s world, as I once was; but I became part of this. I still could be.
Over too soon, I share the disappointment flowing through the fans as the band leave the stage, and the crowd chants for an encore. Even though encores are part of the ritual of performance, I’m unsure Ruby will want to. The set was already shorter than the ones they played on tour with Phoenix.
I’m wrong and when the band reappears, so does the excitement spreading through the crowd.
Jax flicks his damp fringe from his eyes with a shake of his head and introduces a new song. This is the first time he’s spoken, even though he’s sung backing vocals, and his voice pushes further into the place inside my heart I’ve shut Jax out of.
Ruby joined the band a couple of years after they formed so some songs are Jax’s. Occasionally, Ruby sings them all, but some nights Jax takes over. I love when he does, his singing voice as powerful as hers, pulling the audience tighter to him. This is a new one though, and I switch my focus to Ruby as the intro begins. She dips her head, focusing on the guitar, red hair spilling forwards.
Jax grips the mic stand and his smooth voice pours over the slow guitar notes.
