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“Fortunate,” James said. “That’s what this is—you being here when I came stumbling home drunk.”
“Fortunate?” What did he mean?
“I was thinking about you all night. Li and Viktor were chatting the whole way home about this thing and the other. I couldn’t tell you any of what they said because all I could think about was you. Seeing your face, hearing your voice. The way you looked this afternoon in that checkered swimming costume.” He drew in a deep, painful-sounding breath. “I must stop.”
“Don’t,” I said. “Say it all. Say whatever it is that’s in your heart.”
“I shouldn’t, Addie, but I will. I have to. Your honesty today—you opened something up inside me. I can’t think of how to describe it but for the first time, I could see how my life would unfold if I had the chance to be with someone like you. No, not someone like you. You. Just you. The life we could have—it’s the stuff of dreams. Hopeful and alive and buzzing with excitement for the future. That’s what it made me feel. How you make me feel. And Addie, hopefulness is no good. Not for a man in my position.” His eyes glazed over, unfocused and shiny with unshed tears. He looked down at his hands, and a tear slipped down his cheek.
Without thinking, I reached for him, brushing aside that tear with the side of my ink-smeared middle finger, leaving a mark. He grabbed my hand and held it against his chest for a moment. “I guess I wanted you to know, while I have the courage to say it—if I were free and had anything to offer you, which I don’t obviously, but God help me, if I had the wealth and opportunity—it could be you and me. You and me forever. I wanted you to know that it’s not just you who feels something between us. It’s important that you know that before I go. Before I have to do the honorable thing.”
Trembling, and grateful I had a chair under my legs, my skin tingled where he’d touched me. “I don’t know what to do now,” I whispered.
“There’s nothing to do.”
I lifted my eyes to his. “What are my eyes saying right now? Are they talking to you?”
“I believe they are.”
“Can you hear them?” I asked.
“They’re asking me to kiss you.”
I touched the tip of my tongue to my upper lip. Here I was in my dressing gown, no makeup, hair disheveled, and about to get my first kiss. Perhaps my last.
He drew me to my feet and wrapped an arm around my waist, tugging me close. His mouth lowered to mine, and then he was kissing me. I was lost to it, to him. Nothing would ever be this good, I thought. Nothing ever again.
9
JAMES
I wokethat morning with a terrible headache and a dry mouth. I lay there for a moment, remembering the night in bits, crawling along having fun and then coming home.
A low moan came from deep inside my chest. Oh God, what had I done? I’d kissed Addie.That’s right, you fool, a voice echoed through my head.You said all the things you shouldn’t have.
I listened to the morning sounds: a creak of the stairwell, the water running in a bathroom, birds chirping outside the windows. This had been a mistake, coming here. I should have let well enough alone instead of selfishly accepting the Barneses’ open invitation for my summer visit. Knowing what Lena and her father had on their agenda, I should have stayed in New York City and left the Barneses uninfected with my nonsense. And what had I done to poor Addie? Telling her those things was inexcusable, but kissing her? I should be punished with a life sentence.
That kiss. I closed my eyes, feeling it all over again. The softness and tentative kisses that had led to something more desperate and raw. For both of us.
What had I done?
She might have hope now, which would break her heart when Lena arrived and everything unfolded as I knew it would.
I would apologize to her. Beg her forgiveness and make sure she knew it wouldn’t happen again.
After I bathed and dressed in my white linen suit, I went downstairs for breakfast. Addie was at the table with her parents and Delphia when I arrived in the dining room. My thigh muscles clenched at the sight of her. God help me, she was lovely in a simple blue dress that matched her eyes. Her hair was pulled back, with tendrils framing her face. A trace of my whisker burn showed on her jawline. I’d done that, beast that I was.A beauty and the beast. That’s what we were, even if I was only a monster on the inside. One no one could see but brought out by too much whiskey.
They all greeted me casually, as if I were always here. As if I belonged. However, Addie wouldn’t look me in the eyes. Who could blame her? She was probably as embarrassed as I was.
“Late night, son?” Alexander asked as he unfolded his newspaper.
“Yes, sir.” I poured myself a cup of coffee and grabbed two dry pieces of toast. It was all I could stomach for now.
“Did the boys make you drink and gamble?” Quinn asked.
“Makemight not be the right word.” I grimaced, lowering myself into the chair next to Delphia.
“I told them to go easy on you,” Quinn said. “You’re not used to the wild ways of the west and these reckless young men we have in our family.” She tilted her head, watching me with obvious amusement. “Would you like some pain powder for your head?”
