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Maybe Declan isn’t the only one suffering fromsaudade. From the way my chest aches as I obsess over his text, I’m hit with the urge to go home.
Home.
Shit. Since when did his house start feeling likehome?
Since you started falling in love with him.
My throat tightens, and I struggle to take deep breaths.
“What’s wrong?” Cal walks into the kitchen.
“Nothing.”
“Declan sent you another message?”
I sigh. “Yes.”
“Have you answered him yet?”
“No.” Although I want to. I really freaking want to, but the rational part of me holds back, asking questions that stop me.
What if he messes up again?
What if he is only chasing after me because he wants to earn his inheritance?
What if I choose to fall in love with him despite all the warning signs, knowing he could hurt me all over again?
My head is a mess with questions that have no real answers.
“Do you want to talk to him?”
I avoid eye contact as I answer, “No.”
“You miss him.” He states it like a fact.
“Of course I miss him. I miss him so damn much it makes me sick to my stomach because I feel guilty for wanting him in the first place.”
“Then why don’t you speak to him?”
“Because I trusted my heart before and look where it got me. Now I’m doubtingeverything. If this is what love feels like, then I don’t want it because it really fucking hurts.” My eyes fill with tears.
Cal pulls me into a hug. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“How can you be so sure?” His chest muffles my reply.
“Because if Declan loves you half as much as you love him, then he will stop at nothing to make this right.”
* * *
After my breakdown yesterday, I decide to visit the one person who understands me most. Maybe my mom can help me get a better understanding of the emotions plaguing me. Although she doesn’t know the whole story about my marriage, she knows enough about relationships to help me understand mine.
Her classroom hasn’t changed over the years. It still smells like old paint with a hint of glue, and it reminds me of afternoons spent coloring while she ran her after-school program.
“Well, isn’t this a surprise.” She returns my hug with a squeeze.
“I wanted to see you.”
“What happened?” She shoots me the same look she always does when something is up.
