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“Wow! You did this? It’s beautiful, just like you,” I told her, bopping her on her tiny little nose. She grins up at me and then tells me.
“It’s for you, that big star is me though.” I chuckle, of course it is. A small frown formed on her cute little face, and when I asked her why, she said, “You said that I’m the bright that lights up the dark, is that not true?”
My heart aches at that statement, and then I tell her, “Oh, baby girl, it is all true, you are the brightest star in the sky, and when you get older you will shine for everyone.”
As the memoryfades tears slide down my face. Who would have known how significant that conversation has become.
When I was sleeping on the streets, I would often look at the night sky and search for the brightest star. My daughter. The one good thing that bastard gave me, only for her to be snatched away. I was so stupid to think that we could live in his fucked-up world and remain safe and untouched.
I hear the front door downstairs and hushed voices, but I’m so lost in my mind it doesn’t really register. It becomes clear exactly how lost to my thoughts I am when I don’t hear Jamie come into the room, and it’s only as she crouches in front of me, I realise she’s there.
“Hey. You okay?” She searches my face, I know she can see the tears, but she doesn’t mention them. I don’t try to stop them from falling, I can’t hold them in anymore and I won’t. Faye deserves more than to be hidden away like a dirty secret. That is one thing she’ll never be. She was my greatest achievement, the reason I’m here now, and why I’ll fight to the end. I look at Jamie, who is now kneeling before me, and she takes my hands and nods, telling me it’s okay.
Taking a deep breath and gathering the courage I need to get through this conversation I say, “I had a daughter.” She lets out a little gasp but doesn’t interrupt. “Her name was Faye, and she died a couple of months before her 4th birthday along with my mum.” I close my eyes against the pain mentioning her name brings. “My mum and I had been shopping while Faye was at nursery, but I got a call saying she wasn’t well and could I pick her up. Mum had persuaded me to get my hair cut while we were there, and I was halfway through.” I shake my head, wishing I had just left then instead of staying. “My mum said she would get her and come back for me, but I told her to take her straight home if she wasn’t feeling well. It wasn’t a big deal I would get a cab, but on the way home they were hit by a truck and forced into a ditch. Apparently, they both…” the words get stuck in my throat, but I swallow the pain back down determined to get them out, “they both…d-died on impact, they were there for over an hour, Jamie. Nobody knew. Nobody knew and they just lay there dead.” A sob breaks free, dropping my head in my hands. After several seconds, I sniff, swiping the tears away. “It wasn’t until I got home and realised they weren’t there, that I knew something had happened.” The tears fall down my face and pain stabs at my heart, ripping and shredding the walls I built to block it all out. Tearing me wide open.
Jamie moves to sit next to me on the bed, taking me in her arms, and I drop my head to her shoulder and sob. I thought I’d cried all my tears. I thought I locked my grief away, and I did, but grief can’t be contained, it will eat away at you until there is nothing left.
“It’s all my fault, Jamie. I killed my daughter, she died because of me.” Jamie pushes me back, holding me in place by my shoulders.
“No, Cam. That is not true, it wasn’t your fault. You can’t really believe that?” she says, tilting her head to the side, her brow raised in disbelief. “Why would you even think that? You weren’t driving, and you can’t control other people’s actions.” I start shaking my head at her, it doesn’t matter what she says, it’s my fault because I stupidly fell for a man who is the personification of the devil himself, and I foolishly believed he loved me.
“You don’t understand,” I pause, aware that now is the perfect time to tell her abouthim.But it seems I don’t have to.
“You’re talking about Sean, aren’t you?” she asks, and as soon as the name falls from her mouth, I’m up on my feet.
“What the fuck! How do you know that name? I never told you his name. Shit, shit, shit! Does he know I’m here? I should have died on the street that night. Should never have come here with you.” I’m pacing the bedroom, head down and chewing my thumb nail. I need to leave; I can’t stay here anymore. I know how this goes, I watch the TV, I’ve read those books, but there ain’t no happy ever after for me.
I walk to my wardrobe and start pulling out clothes, I grab the duffel and instantly feel sick at the thought of going on the run again, but what choice do I have. If I stay here, he will find me, and he will rain down hell on everyone I know. I don’t want more blood on my hands. I start thinking about where I can go while I load the clothes into my bag.
“Woah, hold on, what do you think you’re doing, Cam?” But I don’t stop, then she’s in front of me, and the bag is snatched from my hand, “Stop, you can’t leave.”
“I have to, Jamie. If he knows I’m here, he’ll come for me, and he won’t hesitate to ki…” I’m cut off as Blue charges into the room, heading straight for me. My breath catches in my throat at the anger on his face. I take a step back as he advances, my back hits the wall, and then he’s there.
“He won’t even get close,” he growls, caging me in with an arm either side of my head, “he won’t lay one finger on you…” His velvety voice washes over me as he leans in closer, breath whispering across the shell of my ear, “Because if he does—I’ll kill him. I’ll make him beg for his life and wish he’d never laid a finger on you. Do you understand?” I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I’ve never been so scared and turned on at the same time. I just nod, it’s so subtle if he blinked, he’d have missed it. “Good. Now, I’m starving,” he pauses, I turn my head, our lips are almost touching, and I get the feeling he’s not exactly talking about food, “get dressed, we’re going for breakfast.” With that, he turns and leaves the room as quick as he came. I slump against the wall and blow out a deep breath.
“Holy fucking shit, that was hot!” I look over to Jamie, raising my brows. “What? Come on, you can’t tell me that didn’t make your fanny flutter.” I screw my nose up at that. “Bitch, please,” she says waving me off, “I need clean underwear and a couple good orgasms. Enjoy yourbreakfast.”
I’m so confused. Firstly, I didn’t even know he was in the damn house. Secondly, that damn man brings out the strangest feelings in me. I mean, how can you be scared and so turned on you think you’re going to come without so much as a kiss. Jamie was right, it was hot, but I shouldn’t feel like that about a man that oozes danger. I can see it in his eyes and feel it in him, he’s a man that has blood on his hands too. But somehow, deep in the very pit of my gut, I know he’s nothing like Sean.
I find that Sean’s name doesn’t produce as much fear as it once did. Maybe I gave him too much power over me by not saying his name, scared he’d appear behind me like the fucking Candy Man.
As I finish dressing, I think about what Blue said, the whole ‘wish he’d never laid a finger on me’, and what that means. He can’t possibly know about all the beatings and— the other things Sean did to me, can he? Nah, there’s no way, I’m being stupid, but I plan to ask him about it later.
Downstairs there is no sign of Jamie, guess she wasn’t lying about the underwear and orgasms. The less I think about that the better.
I do, however, find Blue in the lounge scanning the bookcase. I watch him from the door, but I’m not daft enough to think he isn’t aware I’m here; he’d hear a pin drop in a crowded room. Several minutes pass before he turns.
“You ready to go?” he asks, striding towards me.
“Yes. Where are we going?” He doesn’t answer just walks straight past me. I shake my head as I follow after him, “You knew I was there the whole time, didn’t you?” I ask.
“Sure did, I’ll always know where you are.” He chuckles.
See, I fucking knew it! Dangerous and veering into stalker territory, but I’m surprised to find it doesn’t worry me. Not sure what that says about my own sanity.
Eight
Camryn
