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“During that war I nearly lost my whole squad on a mission. The only people to make it out alive were me, Sully and Seb. Seven men died because I made the wrong call, Camryn. Seven. Do I feel guilt, do I feel sad for those men’s families? Every fucking day. But what is the point of letting that guilt eat away at me, drowning in the sorrow of their loss, there’s no point. I refuse to allow their deaths to be in vain, so instead I get up every morning thankful I’m still alive, and then I go out there and do everything in my power to make sure more people don’t suffer the same fate. I’m a survivor, I fight back, and that’s what you are. You’re a survivor too, Camryn.” I shake my head at him. “Yes, you fucking are! You wouldn’t have made it this far if you weren’t. Tell me something, what makes you get up every day?”
I think about the answer to that, it’s not all that hard, it’s part of the reason I ran. “I want justice. I want vengeance. I want Sean to suffer like I have, I want to take away everything he loves, everyone he loves,” I sneer, the anger at him returning, “I want all those things, but I don’t want others to suffer for my own selfish desires. I don’t want more people to die or get hurt getting what I want, that’s not fair at all. I don’t want to fucking play god with people’s lives, Ryder.”
“And what about Jamie? Do you think she’d want that to be you up there instead of her?”
“Yes…No, I don’t know. What sort of a fucking question even is that? I lied to her, Ryder. I put her life in danger by not being honest with her or giving her the chance to decide whether she wanted me in her life or not.” I hang my head again, as the guilt winds its way back in.
“Come on, Cam, do you honestly think Jamie didn’t know what she was doing when she took you in? You need to give her more credit than that,” he scoffs. “So, you didn’t tell her everything, but you had your reasons. One being trust and the other because you thought you were protecting her, right?”
I nod. “But I didn’t protect her, look what happened,” I say, pointing back to the hospital, “A lie by omission, is still a lie,” I state.
“Sometimes people lie or omit the truth not to be hurtful but because they think they are doing the right thing, not wanting to hurt the ones they love. I’m not saying it’s right, but I can understand the motivation behind it.” Then he just turns and walks away, leaving me kneeling on the pavement.
If I was thinking straight, I might have looked a little closer at that cryptic statement, instead I sit and wallow for several minutes before giving myself a swift kick up the arse and go back to the hospital.
When I return to the ICU, there’s no sign of Ryder, so I take up my seat at Jamie’s side with her parents.
While I was gone the doctor had been in, and he was confident that Jamie would wake in the next 24 hours. There is no sign of permanent brain damage and her broken wrist is a straightforward fracture that will heal nicely over the next six to eight weeks. She has a couple of broken ribs that will be painful but also heal on their own. Painful is an understatement, and one I can sympathise with.
Louise tries to get me to go home to get some sleep, but I refuse to leave Jamie’s side. When she sees that I’m not going anywhere, she sends Dominic out for food and coffee.
I wake slumpedover Jamie’s bed, where I obviously fell asleep, my hand still in hers. As I become more conscious, I feel eyes on me, but note the room is empty except for Jamie and me. Lifting my head, I’m met by the one eye of Jamie’s that’s not swollen shut.
“Hey, sleepy head, I wondered when you were gonna wake up,” Jamie says, her voice hoarse from the ventilator tube and the attack as I note the bruises that mottle her neck.
“I’m so sorry, Jamie.” I push the words passed the lump in my throat as tears begin to well in my eyes, blurring my vision. I drop my gaze to the bed, not able to look her in the eye.
“Cam.” She pauses and when I lift my eyes back to hers, I see she was waiting for me to look at her, “This is not your fault, and I can still kick your arse if you even start thinking you’re to blame,” she says determinedly, squeezing my hand to cement her point further. I don’t agree, but I tell her okay, now is not the time to argue with her. She’s obviously suffering from concussion and not thinking clearly.
The nurse comes in to check her vitals, and I use the opportunity to find a bathroom and grab a tea. Entering the corridor, I see Ryder talking to Scott up near the elevator, but not wanting to talk with him right now, I turn and go the other way.
Nineteen
Blue
I walk away from Cam as my own guilt about the secrets I’m keeping from her begin to raise their fucking heads. She’s right, a lie by omission is still a lie, but does that mean that every lie is bad? I don’t even know anymore. I have to believe that what I’m doing is the right thing, just like she thought keeping Jamie in the dark was right, to protect her, like I want to protect Cam. I will tell her, but when the time is right. I’ll have to trust that when I do, she understands why.
Walking back into the hospital I find Scott there, and he tells me that Russ is here getting his hand stitched up. Filling him in on Jamie’s injuries, I ask him what the fuck happened. Apparently, Jamie left early after she got a message about something wrong at the house, Scott doesn’t know exactly what. As soon as Scott found out from one of the nurses, no doubt one he’s been screwing, that Jamie left early he called Russ to let him know, but Russ said he was closer and he’d meet Scott there. When Scott arrived, the police were just arriving, and the paramedics were bringing Jamie out.
“What took you so long to get there?” I ask Scott, accusation clear in my tone.
“Some dickhead blocked my car in at the hotel, and I had to get reception to find the owner of the damn car before I could get out. The guy was as pissed as a newt when they finally found him, and I had to move the car myself. Turns out the guy wasn’t even a guest at the hotel.” I raise an eyebrow at that. “Yeah, coincidence? My thoughts too.”
“What about at the house, did you find anything that can help identify this guy?”
“Nah, whoever did it knew what they were doing. The lock on the back door had been picked, at least it seems that way as there was no sign of forced entry. The one thing I don’t get is the broken window in the back door, if the guy picked the lock, why break the window?” he muses, then shrugs. “Maybe it got broken during the struggle, I mean, most of the glass was on the outside, which indicates a window broken from inside. Once Jamie’s awake, hopefully she’ll be able to shed some light on it.”
Before Scott leaves, I ask him to get Russ’ statement, and then let me know when they are heading back out.
Not wanting to face Cam again after the way I left things, I head to the cafeteria. Grabbing a tea that’s bound to taste like dirty dish water, I find a seat in the corner and call Sully to let him know the situation. As I finish my call with Sully, Jamie’s father walks in, spotting me, he changes direction heading this way.
“Dom. How is she?” I ask, as he approaches the table.
“The doctor is hopeful that she’ll wake in the next 24 hours, and there’s no sign of permanent damage. Camryn is back in there with Louise, we tried to send her home, but she’s stubborn and refuses to go anywhere.” I give a nod to that assessment of Cam. “How worried should I be, Blue?”
I consider what I should tell him, he may be Jamie’s father but he’s a damn journo, and they’d sell their own mother for a good story. But I’ve known him for a few years, and he’s a good man. “How much do you know about Cam?” I ask, feeling him out first.
He pulls a chair out, sitting down, he rubs a hand down his face. “I’m not stupid, I knew when Jamie told me about her that she was running from something…But, fuck, Sean Donovan, Blue. That’s some serious trouble to be running from. She’s a good girl, I gave her a job, works hard and keeps her head down, but—”
