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“He ain’t going to be talking anytime soon, but the doctors think if he makes it through another night, then he’ll live.”
When Scott arrived, they were wheeling Jake out of the building Jess was in. He had a gunshot wound to his chest, which missed his heart by millimetres according to the doctor.
“That’s good news. Keep me posted. I’m going to need to have a word with him when he’s awake. Something tells me he’s involved in what went down outside that building.”
“Will do, boss. And Ms Fisher,” he asks, nodding in Jess’ direction.
“Oh, we’ll be having plenty of words when she stops pretending to be asleep.”
“Fuck you,” Jess croaks out, and I laugh. She finally opens her eyes as she attempts to sit up. I grab the remote for the bed, raising it for her.
“I think that’s my cue to leave. If there’s nothing else you need, Rick?”
“No, that’s all thanks, Scott.” He leaves, and I turn back to Jess. “How are you feeling?”
“Oh, I’m just fucking peachy. Can’t you tell?” she retorts, a hyperbolic grin on her face.
I chuckle. “Glad to see that the blast didn’t put too much of a dent in your quick-witted sarcasm. Can’t you ever just answer a question with a straight and honest answer?”
“Sure, I can. Before we almost got blown up, you asked me why I ran the other night. Well, yeah, I ran because I just discovered I’d been fucking the man who was with my brother before he died. The man who called himself a friend but left him there to die and never reached out, never even attended his funeral to honour him. How am I doing on the Rick Sullivan honesty scale?”
I don’t correct her assumptions. What would be the point? “I’d say that’s the most honest thing you’ve told me since we met.”
“That’s all you can say. Pfft! At least one of us is honest enough to mention the giant fucking elephant in the room. And what the fuck do you mean about the most honest I’ve been?”
“Why didn’t you tell me that someone tampered with your brakes?”
“Oh my fucking god, are you for real? That has absolutely nothing to do with you. Unless something has changed recently, fuck buddies don’t share personal information, they just fuck and leave.” She pauses briefly, then her eyes light with suspicion. “How do you know about that?”
“How I know is irrelevant. What matters, is you not telling me. And before you go into another rant about it being none of my business, I’m making it my business now because I almost got blown the fuck up yesterday.” I get to my feet, leaning my hands down on the bed beside her. “We were never just fuck buddies. It was always going to be more than that from the start, Jess. I’m honest enough to admit it. Are you?” I spin away from her, leaving my words to hang in the air.
I shove outside the hospital, needing some air. I must be out of my god damn mind telling her that. It wasn’t my intention to admit that to her, but it appears my mouth had other ideas. Every word was true of course, which makes me kind of an arsehole. I bit the bullet and had Dean do a deeper background check on her. Jess will throttle me when she finds out. And she will find out because I’m going to tell her.
Lost my fucking head I tell you.
Aside from the information I already knew about Christian and his family, most of which I learnt from him, the only thing of importance the check revealed was that part of her record has been sealed. It looks like it’s from her teen years, but Dean hasn’t been able to unseal it yet. Not a total surprise given who her father is.
From the conversation I overheard between her and her ex, Alistair, there’s no love lost between her and Archie. And again, no surprise there. Archie Collins is at the top of the tree when it comes to corrupt judges, along with Seb’s father Judge Charles Roberts.
I’m certain there are special seats reserved for them in Hell.
Am I surprised Jess blames me as much as I blame myself for Kuff’s death? No, of course not. I am surprised she thinks I left him there to die though. I don’t actually know what story the army spun to her family about how he died. Although, I know damn sure it wouldn’t have been anywhere close to the truth. A truth even I don’t know. It’s not that I didn’t want to know how my life got flipped on its head or who took the life of my friend and kept me from my wife and son, but more a case of ignorance is bliss and more important things took control of my life when I returned, like throwing myself into Triple R so I could block out the grief and learn to be a father and a mother all at once.
I couldn’t deal with my own grief let alone anyone else’s at that time. So, how was I meant to attend the funeral of a man who stood beside me, fought beside me and died because of me and face his family? Look them in the eyes and tell them how fucking sorry I was that it was their son who died when it should have been me instead.
I’ve never considered myself a coward but pain and grief changes a person.
The army hardens you, desensitises you, makes you a soldier built to endure pain and witness unimaginable things and still do your job. But grief is a whole other ball game.
Grief wraps around you, digging her claws deep into the very bones of you, and there is no way to desensitise you to the effect of grief on the normal human heart and mind.
Pain leaves you when who or what is causing it ceases, but grief never leaves. It always remains, and you either learn to live with it or you let it consume you.
I couldn’t afford to let mine consume me. I had a new mission, and one I refused to fail at after Sam lost her life giving it to me.
Twenty-Five
Jess
