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I was inhuman.
At that point, I didn’t know about Sam, and for that, I’m grateful because I fear I would have been lost forever if I had.
Last year, when Ryder murdered those men at that warehouse, I couldn’t judge him for that. I had no right after what I did. I understood it. I’d lived it too.
We all have the power to do ugly, evil things. Every day we walk a fine line between doing what’s right and what we feel we want to do. Your mind is a minefield. Each step has the possibility of setting you off.
And we all have a breaking point. A point of no return where our mind takes over, blocking out right and wrong and letting the darkness within take control.
I’m right back there again. Walking the line.
Jay’s voice brings me out of my head.
“I have two possibilities we can try after his home. If we’re lucky, maybe someone at the house knows where he is.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I say the words, but I don’t feel them.
We travel the rest of the way in silence. The only sound is of Jay tapping away at his phone. I’m not sure what he’s doing, but I leave him to it.
When we pull up to Collins’ ridiculously extravagant and over the top house, the guard on the gate refuses us entry and claims that no one is home.
He soon changes his mind and lets us in when Jay threatens to tell his wife how much he loves the feel of lacey underwear against his skin and being dominated by another man.
As we enter the house, I ask Jay how he knew all that.
“I didn’t know for sure, but the man is a member of very exclusive gay kink club in Soho. It was an educated guess.”
I shake my head and laugh, grateful for the small reprieve from the seriousness of the situation.
We do a quick check of the house, finding absolutely fuck all to help us. As we get back in the car, Ryder calls.
“Where are you?”
“We’re at Collins’, but he’s not here.” I pause for a second before saying my next words. “I spoke to Max. He’s okay, but Collins is planning to hand him and Jess over to Garcia.” Any other words I might have wanted to say get lost somewhere between my brain and my mouth.
“Ryder, it’s Jay. Look, we have two possible locations.”
“Give me an address, Jay, and I’m there.”
I drive while Jay gives one address to Ryder and programs the other into the sat nav. We agree to call once we have eyes on them. I’m not sure how that will work out, but I go along with it.
The closer we get to the house, my mind begins to throw up random snapshots of my life with Sam, with Kuffs, the torture we suffered, and I struggle to push them away. My anxiety peaks when I consider the possibility that we picked the wrong address, and we’ll never make it to the other address in time.
I pull over, quickly jumping from the car and let out a roar as my body tries to expel the images another way.
I hear Jay stepping from the car and coming to stand beside me.
“I’ll drive. Come on, we’re five minutes away.”
“What if—”
Jay grabs my shoulders, pulling my focus to him. “Don’t you dare fucking say it, Rick. No. You will not lose them.” His words are so sure and certain that I latch onto his hope, wrapping it around my own and reinforcing it. He slaps me on the back as he walks to the driver’s side.
I take several deep breaths before climbing back in, and we set off again.
Without driving to distract me, my knee jigs up and down with anxiety.
This is a me I’m not familiar with. This is a me that I don’t like. This is a me that has no control over himself and is highly unpredictable.
