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I should have died that day, instead of Rose.
I should have died in the caves.
I should have died.
Warm arms pick me up off the floor, and I have no energy to stop them. Even though I should.
But I can’t, because in spite of everything else I’ve thought and said today, being here inthesearms is the only time I feel whole.
“No. Don’t say that.” Einar’s voice is in my ear, and I realize that I have been speaking every broken thought out loud.
“Never say that.” He tilts my head up, and I stare into his ocean eyes, ready to drown in them.
“I should have died in those caves.” The words leave my lips again and again without my permission.
Einar brushes a strand of hair from my face and leans down, pressing his forehead to mine.
“No, Zaina.” His voice is rough, though his touch is gentle.
I know I should push him away, but I can’t. Because I am selfish. Because I need him like he is an oasis and I am the desert.
So, I allow him to hold me. To comfort me. Matching my breaths with his and hating myself for wishing we could stay like this forever.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Einar
Ihave seen people cry before, seen them fall apart at the bedside of a loved one, heaving great, racking sobs or wailing with the force of their agony. But Zaina’s breaking is a sight I’m entirely unprepared for, the quiet way she has folded in on herself like she is being physically crushed with the weight of the world around her.
It breaks something inside of me, too, even before I hear what she’s saying.
“I should have died.”
I never should have let her leave the training room that way, but I hadn’t known what to say. Knowing what it means for her to allow someone to touch her, crossing that threshold without asking, when nothing had been decided, felt...wrong.
The words she hurled at me come rushing back in, and I wonder how right she was.
I hadn’t bothered toseeher most of the time. If I had stepped outside of my own righteous indignation long enough to look, I would have put a lot of things together earlier.
And because I didn’t, now she’s silently falling apart, wishing she had died that day. The very idea of losing her fills me with such unbridled horror that I finally realize how deeply I have been lying to myself.
Saving her had nothing to do with answers. That’s not why I kept her here, either.
I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing her.
I hold her until her tears have dried up, until she goes rigid and starts to pull away.
“I apologize.” Her voice is so carefully controlled, I would never believe she had been crying if I hadn’t just seen it. “I let my fatigue get the better of me.” She smooths her hair and then her clothing, morphing her features into something close to neutral.
I think back to the few times I’ve seen pain flash in her eyes. What must she have been feeling then, if she is this skilled at hiding it now?
“You don’t need to apologize for --”
“I do,” she cuts me off. “I didn’t intend for you to see. I didn’t -- wasn’t looking for you to comfort me, not when I know how you feel--.” She won’t meet my eyes, and it may be the only time I’ve ever heard her stumble over her words.
“I don’t think you have the slightest idea of how I feel about you,” I tell her.
She looks up at me, a warning in her eyes. “Don’t. Don’t say things because you feel sorry for me and then go back to hating me tomorrow. I can’t -- Even I have my limits, Einar.”
