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A small, selfish part of me wants to keep their letters untouched, unopened and exuding the essence of everything that makes my sisters who they are. If I don't open them, if I don't read them, then I don't have to hear any dreadful news they may contain.
But the wondering would kill me all the same. I have spent my entire life protecting them. I could no sooner turn off the part of me that worries than I could stop breathing.
The king is still studying my expression, so I set the letters aside as though it doesn't physically pain me to do so. He raises his eyebrows.
"I should give you some privacy to read your letters."
But there is an undertone there, and I wonder if by making him think I wish him to leave, I will undo some small bit of the progress we made yesterday.
"That's not necessary." I wave my hand as though it's silly, as though I wouldn't love nothing more than a moment alone to read these snippets of my sister’s voices. But he already looks at me like I have something to hide, so I pick up Aika's letter first.
I note with some interest that it was postmarked ten days ago from a post office in Bondé. She’s still in Corentin, then.
To my favorite older sister,
I'm her only older sister, I think with a pang. It's so like her to write such a thoughtless line, though.
You've always been difficult, but tracking you down has been something else entirely.
Madame always played her cards close to her chest, so I’m not surprised Aika hadn't known her plans, but I can't deny a small tightness in my chest unfurling at having it confirmed. And for all her blasé nature, she clearly went to a lot of trouble to find me. Something in me warms at the gesture. I feel a little less alone if my sisters at least know where I am.
I continue reading.
My life hasn't been nearly so exciting as yours has been, though I'm starting to suspect the boy is hiding something from me. Not that I care, obviously.
Obviously, she does care about the only person in the world who can best her at cards, and I wish I was there to tease her about it. I resist the urge to rub the sudden ache out of my chest.
Anyway, I hope you're planning a trip home soon. We are all starting to miss you, Mother in particular.
Instead of a signature, she has merely drawn her trademark flame on the bottom of the page.
My mind flashes back to the man in the marketplace today. Not for the first time, I curse this blasted castle being so far from everything I have ever known, so far from the people who are trying to get in touch with me. To warn me.
I glance over at the king, who is pretending to be busy with his book, though his eyes have not moved in a few seconds.
"It's only my sister. She misses me," I add with a forced smile.
Only when the uncomfortable expression crosses his face, when I belatedly identify it as remorse, do I realize that he will likely take that comment as a jab because he is the one who has forbidden them from coming. Not wishing to put him on the defensive, I quickly cover.
"She’s just bored because the social season is over."
But his next response tells me I have blundered again.
"I thought you didn’t have any siblings." His brow furrows.
Whether he asks from suspicion or polite interest makes no difference. It takes everything I have to keep my expression neutral, to force air into my lungs and back out again as though his simple question is not all it takes to send me into an outright breakdown after the events of the past few weeks.
"Not by blood, but yes, I grew up with three sisters." I want to take the words back as soon as I say them.
He doesn’t ask why I have three sisters but only two letters, and I am absurdly grateful for that. I practically tear the next letter open in my haste both to escape the conversation I am in and to see what my more practical sister has to say.
Dearest Zaina,
Please forgive me for not writing sooner. Your whereabouts were only discovered this very morning.
I rarely worry for your safety, even half a world away, but I hope you'll grant me leeway just this once to tell you that I worry for your spirit. I know you are shaking your head right now, that you have always felt that it was your job alone to worry. But I can imagine it would be easy to lose yourself with no one there to ground you.
So, for my sake, remember that you have family. You are loved. And you have hope. The darkness won’t last forever, sweet sister.
