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Spoken like a man who has never had to fight for it. I rear back at his accusation, having lived my entire life without a shred of power at the whim of a woman who wants nothing more.
"If, by power, you mean the basic dignity afforded any adults," I spit back at him, "then yes, I suppose that it does. Did it ever occur to you that I might be able to help?" I add, mortified by the way my throat begins to feel thick on the last word, because honestly, my reasons for coming are jumbled in my head now.
His eyes widen in understanding, and I look away, because he doesn't get to treat me as though I am beneath him and then have the nerve to look like he cares.
And because he doesn't begin to know what it is he thinks he understands.
His voice is every bit as forceful, though, when he responds.
“Help in what way, Zaina? Unless you have some knowledge of poisons and cures, or some magical way to stop time, then how exactly did you expect to help?"
He barrels forward without waiting for me to answer, which is just as well, because I don't have one.
"You take off into a countryside you’re unfamiliar with, handling an animal you know nothing about, one that could kill you if you’re not careful. You’re reckless and thoughtless.” There are only inches between us as he speaks down to me. Gideon stomps his feet and paws at the ground, clearly upset by our argument. Einar backs away, taking a deep breath before he continues.
“Did it ever occur to you that I had my reasons for telling you to stay behind? That you have no experience riding a hestrinn, that speed was of the necessity, that I might have wanted you there with Sigrid for a reason?"
His pain and his worry seeps through on those last words. But I know how to spin emotions and use them to my advantage, and I will not be on the receiving end of that.
"I think it's clear that I was not a hindrance to your speed." I gesture to Gideon, who is already anxiously shuffling his feet in anticipation of our next run. "Sigrid had many capable and willing hands at her side when I left, as you well know. But if you had wanted me there as well for whatever sands-blasted reason, all you had to do was explain that --"
"There was no time!" He cuts me off, practically yelling now.
"There was noneed, is what you mean," I correct him. "Because no one expects the king to explain himself to anyone, least of all his lowlyconsort. Do not pretend to me that the handful of seconds it would have taken you to ask me to stay rather than to order it would have perilously delayed your journey."
Einar opens his mouth to respond, then closes it. I have left him speechless, at least momentarily, though no less angry. We are both breathing heavily, angry white puffs of breath appearing and then dissipating in the air before our faces. Gideon backs away slightly, and I put a calming hand on his neck.
The king takes in the horse's fidgeting movements and Khijhana's otherworldly stillness, but he still says nothing. His face has gone carefully blank.
Finally, I speak up.
"For all that you were worried about your precious time, we are certainly wasting a lot of it staying here to argue." I am not without feelings. I can read between the lines and see that he wanted someone to be there with the woman who was obviously like a mother to him, and in another world, in another life, I would be the kind of person who could sit at her side and do nothing.
But I don’t have the luxury of being that person. There is more at play here than I think either of us fully understands. One thing is clear, though.
I need to see this ambassador.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Istretch to grab hold of Gideon’s saddle, trying and failing to pull myself up. Before I can try again, rough hands grab hold of my waist, tossing me upward with such force that I nearly sail over the other side of my hestrinn. I grind my teeth as I situate myself.
Gideon stomps and paws at the ground until Einar finally moves away to mount his steed as well.
Einar doesn't agree for me to come with him, but he does not argue when I prod Gideon into a trot behind him.
In fact, he doesn't say anything at all for nearly an hour.
I can tell it is an effort for Gideon to let the king’s hestrinn lead the way, and even more so for him to stay at this careful speed. He stamps his hooves and huffs every so often, shaking his head a bit in frustration.
I can't pretend I don't relate. I also don't have an easy time lessening myself for the sake of those around me.
Khijhana is happy to take up the rear, likely sensing that my anger at the king has ebbed away into something a little less potent. As the sun drops behind the mountain, I beckon her closer to me. I am grateful that she wants to protect me, but for all her size, she is still a kitten, and a domesticated one at that. I don't know what's in these woods that is bigger than she is, and I don't want to find out the hard way.
If the king is trying to ignore me, he is doing a poor job. His shoulders are hunched, and he tosses several half-glances over his shoulder. When the path finally widens, I let Gideon pull forward to ride at Einar's side instead of his back.
I am just debating whether I should bother to try to break the silence when he slices clean through it.
"I realized that as long as we've been married, we've never really taken the time to get to know each other." The words are innocuous enough, but his tone is all forced pleasantness, bordering on mocking, and I am immediately on edge.
