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I rub my temples, fending off disjointed thoughts about the wordstayand empty beds and fires and grief, and say the first thing that pops into my head.
“Becauseshehas never abandoned me.”
I am struck by the impact of these words, of their unexpected veracity, and I am not the only one. Zaina sucks in a breath, and Remy’s eyes are an endless storm. Einar’s features are guarded, giving no sign of his thoughts.
No one argues, though. They can’t.
They have both walked away before, and even Mel left for Delphine without a single protest. I might be Zaina’s obligation and Remy’s reluctant project, but I was Madame’s choice.
“No,” Remy finally speaks up, his tone thick with disbelief. “She just sticks around long enough to torture you instead. Is that better?”
“Than walking away every time things get difficult?” I counter.
“Are we really talking about walking away right now?” Remy fires back, his voice rising. “When you drugged me and left me in the middle of the stars-damned night? When you walked away from our entire relationship over a misunderstanding and never looked back?”
I want to argue that those things are different than when he left me in the room above the bar after I all but begged him to stay, but my head is pounding and I can’t actually bring myself to explain those things to him.
Besides, I’m not entirely sure that he’s wrong.
So I glance toward Einar and Zaina, who are trying very hard to pretend they aren’t listening, and take my easy out.
“This is hardly the time for this conversation,” I declare.
His nostrils flare in aggravation, and I direct my next words to my sister.
“It doesn’t matter, anyway. It can’t be done.”
“And what if we weren’t killing her?” Zaina asks tentatively. “What if we were only…destabilizing her?”
Einar gives her a sharp glance, and she holds out a placating hand.
Am I willing to abandon the only person in the world who has never abandoned me? Even now, even knowing what she wants from me?
Am I ready to be completely alone in the world, when Remy moves on with a real wife and Zaina goes back to Jokith?
It’s a moot point, because my sister is kidding herself if she thinks that the four people in this room are a match for Madame.
“That can’t be done either,” I say, trying to convey finality in my tone.
I’m pretty sure it just comes out as tired.
“Yes, it can,” Zaina’s voice is soft, but no less determined.
“And if you’re wrong?” I press. “Then we put all of our lives in danger for nothing. Yours, Einar’s, Remy’s entire family. You of all people know what she does to those who cross her.”
“We wouldn’t go forward without a plan,” she says.
“Oh, and will you be sharing said plan with the class?” My tone drips with sarcasm, because I already know what her response will be.
Zaina doesn’t do anything by accident, and she’s hardly forgetful. If she had wanted to tell me her plan, she would have by now.
Sure enough, her eyes shutter, and her lips purse, her silence speaking far louder than words would. I shake my head bitterly. She’s asking me to go against everything I’ve ever known when she doesn’t even trust me enough to tell me her plan.
“That’s what I thought,” I mutter.
This time, I know the words come out heavy with fatigue.
I heave myself up from the bed, my arms and legs still shaking, and make my way toward the door. We need to go before Madame’s spies realize we aren’t in our rooms where we should be.
