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‘He just would not shut up about the size of it,’ she continues. ‘He was obsessed.’
Rocco widens his eyes.
‘Really? Guys talk to you like that?’ he asks.
‘They can’t all be like you,’ Leila says, squeezing his arm before grabbing her drink again, and draining the last of it.
‘It was weird, because he was so desperate for me to know exactly how big it was,’ I add. ‘Not by showing me it. Well, no, he wanted to show me it. But it was like, before I filled in my feedback form, he wanted me to know, so that I would consider it when I scored him.’
‘Did he ask you to name an item, and he would say if it was bigger?’ Leila asks me.
‘Yes!’ I reply giddily. The reason I’m so happy comes from sharing this experience with her, as odd as that sounds, because once again, it means it’s nothing to do with me. It’s not the type of men I attract, the calibre of man interested in me, or any kind of vibe I’m putting out. It’s just men. Not all men, though, because the two at this table are clearly horrified, but that’s reassuring too. It makes it easier to laugh.
‘I said a cucumber,’ she tells me before lowering her voice and widening her eyes. ‘Bigger!’
‘I said a baseball bat,’ I tell her through a giggle.
‘Wow, okay, those are some high expectations,’ Tobias says, the colour draining from his face.
‘I wanted to make sure I said something ridiculous,’ I reply. ‘I didn’t like the way he was lording it over me, as though I would be powerless to resist it. Like he could be anyone, treat me any way he wanted, and I wouldn’t care because he had a cucumber in his pants. He was gutted when he had to say smaller, even though I set the bar ridiculously high.’
‘So that doesn’t work on girls?’ Rocco asks through a relieved-sounding laugh. ‘I haven’t dated in a long time; I was starting to get worried.’
Well, that’s interesting. He hasn’t dated in a long time. Neither have I, there’s nothing wrong with that, except I want to know everything about him. I can’t ask him, though, because it might make me seem interested, and I’m not. I can’t be.
‘No, that doesn’t work on girls,’ I confirm, keeping the conversation on track.
‘Speak for yourself,’ Leila says through a snort. ‘I matched with him.’
We all laugh.
‘The girls weren’t much better,’ Rocco tells us. ‘There was this one girl who was looking for someone to go to a wedding with her, which I understand, weddings aren’t fun to go to alone, it’s much better when you’ve got someone there with you, to have fun with.’
‘You should have said yes,’ Tobias says. ‘You never know, you could have helped her out, and you might have fallen in love with her – she could’ve been the girl for you.’
‘Except eventually I realised I was misunderstanding what she was saying,’ Rocco continues. ‘She wasn’t looking for someone to go to a wedding with her as a plus one, she wanted a wedding – a wedding of her own – she was looking for someone to marry. Not like immediately or anything. She wasn’t aiming to marry a stranger next week. But she made it crystal clear that the next person she was involved with needed to be someone she could see herself walking down the aisle with, because she didn’t want to be an “old bride” – whatever that is.’
‘Who said all that?’ Tobias asks curiously.
‘The one with the straight dark brown hair,’ Rocco replies. ‘She had some kind of tattoo running down her back.’
‘Oh,her,’ he replies. ‘Well, she never mentioned anything like that to me, all she talked about was her dog, and how much her shoes cost. I didn’t match with her. I’m not even sure I want to get married.’
‘She sounds like a desperate cow anyway,’ Leila slurs. ‘I’m a child of divorce but I don’t let it change the way I think. I want to get married – although not to someone I met at speed dating – but hopefully one day, if I meet the right person.’
‘I totally agree,’ I reply. ‘And I don’t know at what age someone becomes an “old bride” but who cares? Even if I don’t meet someone I want to marry until I’m in my seventies, I’ll do it when I feel like it.’
‘What about you, Rocco?’ Leila asks curiously. ‘I’m curious to see if all guys think like Tobias.’
Rocco looks slightly awkward at the idea of either siding with Tobias or singling him out.
‘Well, yeah, you’re all right,’ he says tactfully. ‘Getting married isn’t about ticking some box, or throwing a big party. It’s about finding the right person and wanting to marry them because you do, not because you think you’re supposed to.’
I can’t help but smile. That’s a great answer.
‘Well, she wasn’t even the worst one there,’ Tobias says, steering the conversation back to speed dating. ‘I heard there was one girl there who was even crazier. She was there to try and get some sperm, to have a baby. Although she didn’t want me either. How desperate does a girl have to be to go for Tobias?’
As Tobias wonders out loud about his own eligibility, I am quick to reassure him.
