AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I leave my bedroom and find the plumber, just finishing up at the top of the stairs, as Declan watches over him.
‘That’s me pretty much done,’ the plumber announces as he lays the carpet back down.
‘Perfect timing,’ I reply. ‘I was just about to head out.’
The plumber has been here for a couple of hours now but the second he said we were able to switch the water back on, I made a dash for the shower, not wanting to be late, but so desperately wanting to be clean.
When I arrived home last night, the house was such a mess. There were buckets in the hallway, wet towels all over the floor, and a big pile of floorboards next to the front door – and this was all before the plumber got here.
When Dad and Gail got in last night, all seemed fine – until shortly after he closed the door behind him, when he said water starting pouring out of the wooden archway that separates the hallway from the living room. He said it was like a waterfall, flowing down, but even though it was thankfully clean water, he couldn’t find the stop tap. The pile of floorboards was from him ripping it up, out of the cupboard where all the bits for the heating are, to try to find it – except it wasn’t there, but he did eventually find it and stop the water.
I should be grateful that we were able to get an emergency plumber today, the day before Christmas Eve, but I spent last night and this morning not only without running water, but terrified of what the problem was going to be. That much water raining down into your hallway has to be something expensive, right?
‘Is it all fixed?’ I ask optimistically.
‘All fixed,’ the plumber announces proudly. ‘These floorboards were screwed down tight.’
‘That was me,’ Declan says proudly. ‘It was the last job I did, before I, erm, left.’
‘It was the only job you did, before you, erm, left,’ I remind him.
‘I hate to break it to you, buddy, but that’s what caused the problem,’ the plumber tells him. ‘You screwed a floorboard into a waterpipe, see.’
The plumber holds up a copper-coloured piece of skinny pipe with a hole in it.
‘The screw was keeping the water in, but this was a time bomb, see the rust? The screw had to come back out sooner or later. Something as simple as walking over the floorboards could have been the final nail in the coffin, no pun intended. You’ve been really lucky, though. The floor will dry out, and as for the water that leaked downstairs, it went into your cavity wall, and out through the wooden archway, so your plasterboard and your ceilings are still perfect. Once you move those buckets, it will be like it never happened, aside from maybe repainting the arch. It’s not worth thinking about what would have happened if it had been even a metre to the left or right.’
‘I can’t thank you enough,’ I tell him as he gathers up his things and heads for the door, leaving me alone with Declan, who continues to find new and interesting ways to screw up my life.
‘Fuck, Billie, I’m so sorry,’ he says. ‘Was it expensive?’
‘Let’s just forget about it,’ I tell him. ‘We got off really lucky, and it didn’t cost a thing.’
‘An emergency plumber a couple of days before Christmas?’ he replies in disbelief.
‘Well, it cost £30, I think,’ I tell him. ‘Just the excess payment for an emergency call out.’
Declan just stares at me.
‘From the house insurance,’ I continue.
‘You called the insurance company?’ he replies. ‘I didn’t realise you could do that, for emergencies, I thought it was just for repairs, after the fact.’
‘Nope, that’s what we pay for,’ I reply. I roll my eyes. ‘We. Ha! That’s whatIpay for.’
‘And I’m really sorry about that, about this, about everything,’ he babbles. ‘But I have a surprise for you, and I think it’s going to make it all better. Follow me into the office.’
I narrow my eyes at him for a moment, before following his lead.
I don’t know what I was expecting to find, given that set-up. To be honest, my best guess was another ill-advised attempt at seducing me, but what I’m looking at is so,somuch worse.
‘What is this?’ I ask him, my eyes so wide I’m probably putting creases in my make-up. ‘What the hell have you done?’
An entire previously light pink wall in the office is now completely covered with a graffiti-style mural, with so much going on it’s hard to know where to look first. I want to look away, but I can’t.
There are love hearts, doves, words in big black letters like ‘forever’, ‘amour’ and ‘sex’, weirdly – not that it would have been okay without that final detail. It doesn’t exactly ruin the mural, although the mural does completely ruin the wall.
The worst part of all are the caricatures of the two of us, right in the middle, both naked and entwined with one another. It’s as gross as it is offensive, and that’s without getting into that fact that while my likeness looks absolutely monstrous, he’s made improvements to me too, like changing the proportions of my body, and making my boobs enormous.
