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“Damn it, don’t you get it yet? That’s what I’m trying to avoid.”
“Well you’re too late,” she snapped. “See, I already love you, you idiot.”
Ten
Ethan swung the car to the side of the road, turned the engine off and said tightly, “Don’t. Just... Don’t.”
“You don’t tell me what to do, Ethan,” Sadie said. “FYI.”
“Damn it, Sadie. What’re you thinking? I didn’t want you to love me.”
“You don’t get a vote in everything,” she said, shaking her head in complete amazement. Of course this was how he would take being told she loved him. Most men might feel a little surge of panic and then be happy about it. But not the man she loved. Oh, no. He fought like a caged wolverine.
“This is exactly what I was trying to avoid with you, Sadie.” His voice was so low, she almost missed the words, and she really wished she had.
“Contrary to your own belief system, Ethan, you don’t actually control the universe.”
He turned his head to look at her. “You’re making jokes about this?”
“Would you rather I cry?”
“God, no.”
“Then laugh it up. I intend to.” Eventually. At the moment it was taking everything she had not to give in to the tightness in her chest, the burning in her eyes. But damned if she’d cry in front of him. That really would be a cherry on top of the humiliation sundae.
“Really.” It wasn’t a question, but that’s how she took it.
“Yes, Ethan.” Sadie tipped her head to one side to stare at him. “I’m going to laugh at the absurdity of me loving a man for five years and he never noticed.”
“Five...” His shocked expression would have been funny if it hadn’t been so damn sad.
“Or how about the fun of telling that man I love him and having him order me to stop.”
“Sadie—”
“I’m going to laugh because it’s ridiculous.” Her heart hurt, but damned if she’d let him see it. Whatever tears she would shed, she’d cry them in private. And maybe she wouldn’t cry at all.
She’d known going in that loving Ethan was futile. She hadn’t been able to help herself, so she was willing to accept the pain that was the inevitable result of being a damn fool. Sadie had seen today that it wasn’t all Hart men who were incapable of loving. Just the one she wanted. And maybe it was time she simply accepted that and moved on.
“Look, Ethan, we’ve already agreed that I’ll be leaving when we find the right nanny.” She took a deep breath. “So let’s just find her fast and pretend we didn’t have this humiliating conversation, okay?”
“Damn it, Sadie...”
“Seriously, Ethan,” Sadie said, giving him a hard, steady look. “I’m so done with this. I don’t want to hear you’re sorry or you’re angry or whatever, okay? These are my feelings and I don’t need you to tell me what to do with them.”
“Fine.” His jaw was tight and his green eyes were on fire, so situation normal.
“Good.” She turned in her seat, faced the front and said, “Now, let’s get back to the house. I want to see Emma.”
That tiny girl wouldn’t be in her life much longer. As hard as it was, Sadie was going to make finding a nanny her top priority. She couldn’t stay with Ethan now that he knew she loved him. Because the one thing she never wanted from Ethan was his pity.
* * *
She loved him.
Ethan felt twin jolts of differing emotions—both pleasure and panic, with a little guilt tossed in. He shrugged his shoulders, trying to drop the burden. Hell, he hadn’t asked her to love him. This wasn’t his fault. Yes, she was wounded now and that pained him more than he wanted to admit. But her pain was far less than she would have felt if he’d tried to make a relationship work.
Ethan nodded, silently reassuring himself that he was doing the right thing as he stared out the office window at the steely sea. Sunlight pierced the clouds and slashed at the surface of the water like a golden sword. And the beauty of it all should have been enough to clear his head. But it wasn’t.
