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“Here you are, just be sure to check out at the front.” Dr. Hart smiles and leaves me holding the sonogram of the baby, my baby.
I don’t know how, but I find myself outside of Puzzles trying to calm myself down. Since the appointment this morning, it seemed like the only possible thing to do. I need to tell Cody he is going to be a father. I don’t know what that will mean for us, if anything, but I know he should know. So I take a long deep breath, push open the front doors, and look around. It’s in-between restaurant and bar time which means it’s fairly empty except for the night crew, who thankfully don’t pay me any attention.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” Riley comes from the back holding a large box. She places it behind the bar and walks over to me.
“I uh- is Cody here?” I hadn’t expected to run into Riley.
“I’m sorry, love, he isn’t.” She frowns but behind her I see the shoulder of his red flannel. Peeking behind the door, I can see him standing dangerously close to another blonde woman. I guess he had a type after all.
“Oh.” I grind my teeth. My best friend just lied to me, and I caught her in it.
“I’m sorry.” She looks pained but it’s for the best.
Why should I come in and ruin his day when he was clearly moved on? I choke back the tears but they come anyway and I run out. Riley calls after me, but I ignore her. Running down the street and throwing up on the sidewalk. I throw a piece of gum in my mouth and sit down on a nearby bench. How the hell has my life gotten so twisted in the last few weeks?
As the rain starts to pour down, I think about how we celebrated our anniversary and how far we’ve gone since then. I shove my hands in my pocket as I walk toward the subway and my fingertips play with the paper between my fingers. I’m careful not to crumple it, keeping it dry with my hands as protection. When I get on the subway, I pull it out and look at it again. I feel the overwhelming emotions I felt earlier. I had brought along the sonogram to show Cody. I didn’t know if I’d be able to get the words out and I thought maybe showing him would be the way to go.
Sure, it is possible that woman was harmless, but the thought of him possibly being with someone else is enough to send me running. I don’t know how I’ll be able to live having his baby and being forced to watch the person I love have a relationship with someone else. So I did what he did and ran. Which is when I decided he can’t know the truth. If it ever comes out he will be hurt I lied, but it is better than the alternative of knowing him from arms length for the rest of my life. Of course that probably means I can’t tell Riley either.
As if reading my mind, my phone begins to ring. “Riley?”
“I’ve been trying to get ahold of you, where the hell did you go?”
“I’m on my way home,” I explain.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to lie, but I didn’t think he’d want to see you tonight. He wasn’t happy to see me so I didn’t want to upset you. I’m so sorry,” Riley rambles.
“It’s fine,” I say sharply. I am not thrilled my best friend is lying to me, but I guess now I am doing the same.
“Why were you looking for him anyway?” she asks quietly.
“I- uh just wanted to give him some stuff back,” I lie.
“Oh, okay.” I can tell she doesn’t believe me but she doesn’t push it either.
“I’m about to get on the subway so I’ll text you later.” I hang up before she can say anything else.
I hate this feeling, lying to Riley. I know it is necessary but I still hate it. If I tell Riley the truth there is no way to keep it from Sawyer. And there is no way Sawyer won’t tell Cody. It is a bad idea for best friends to date best friends.
Chapter Eighteen
Istart my Saturday afternoon with a pumpkin spice latte and a pumpkin loaf from Starbucks. Cody and I used to take walks through Central Park together so I wasn’t sure how I’d feel but I missed walking through the park. It is officially fall, the changing leaves turning Central Park into a beautiful autumn scene. The glorious bright oranges and yellows taking over the usual boring green trees. I sip my coffee as I walk through the lower end of the park near the zoo. There are dozens of children and families piling in, and I can’t ignore the way it makes me feel. Will the baby and I ever have that? Or will it just be the two of us?
I miss Cody more as I see couples holding hands, dad’ pushing strollers, and kids with their dads. It’s been a month since I found out I was pregnant, and it is still my little secret. It is too dangerous to tell Riley before I tell Cody, and I am still spooked from the last time I attempted that. It isn’t like I need to tell anyone yet, I have the smallest of bumps letting me pass it off as a big lunch with some looser clothing. Today is one of the rare times I am wearing a dress that accentuates my bump. It is rare I run into anyone with how big the park is.
It had rained yesterday so the pavement is dark and wet. The leaves squishy under my boots instead of their usual crunch. I sip the pumpkin deliciousness, letting it warm me up. The autumn air is starting to get chilly on my bare legs but I am soaking it in. I am so over the heatwaves summer had given us. I loop around the park, walking toward Gapstow bridge. I look down at the water, ignoring the nearby tourists just trying to get photos of the buildings. I mean, have they never seen a building before?
Throwing my empty cup in the garbage, I take out my pumpkin cake and take a small bite, careful not to make too many crumbs. As I walk and eat, I look at the sky and realize the rain might be coming a bit earlier than I thought. Luckily I brought along my umbrella just in case. As more and more clouds appear in the sky, the park begins to empty. A beautiful fall day is becoming a gloomy one right before my eyes. I don’t particularly love the rain, but I don’t feel like being inside today. After a week of being stuck indoors all day long, prepping for court, I need to be outside.
Just in case it were to storm, I decide to head out of the park. Walking down Fifth Avenue is one of my favorite things to do. I love looking at all the stores and the beautiful hotels. Sometimes Riley and I will go shopping together when we need something fancy to wear. As the rain begins to hit, I notice the Barnes and Noble bookstore and decide to go in. Mostly to get out of the rain.
“Can I help you with anything today, miss?” the overly chipper greeter says.
“No, thank you.” I follow the escalator upstairs and onto the second floor.
There’s a small cafe on one side and an assortment of books on the other. I decide to peruse the books, not that I do much reading, but maybe something will catch my eye. The romance section makes my stomach churn, so I opt for the exploring the next floor. Only to my surprise it’s all children’s books. I almost turn around when I realize maybe I could find something for the baby. She’ll need some books to read, right? As I think about it, it occurs to me I’m not entirely sure what babies need. There has to be a book on that, right?
“Excuse me, can you help me?” I ask the woman behind the information desk.
