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One minute, he says the sweetest things. Compliments me like a lover and not a friend. Leans in closer, hooks my arm with his, watches me from a distance. He inserts himself in my life in ways unlike any other friend.
Perhaps he doesn’t know I notice his eyes on me more often than not. That I don’t feel the weight of his stare on my profile. The slight shift in his posture or held breath. But I notice every glance. Feel the way his eyes scorch my skin. I see it all. Feel it all.
Then, abruptly, he gives me the cold shoulder. Skirts around a past he hasn’t gotten over. A past that keeps him from moving forward. When it comes to love and trust and his heart on the line, anyway.
So… I remain his friend. Act as I do with Jonas or Gavin or any of the guys in the tattoo family, and maybe sometimes with my brother. Try not to say anything flirty or dreamy or lovey. Do my damnedest to remain neutral.
But when he says stuff like this, when he tells me I am beautiful, I don’t know what to think or feel or say. Do opposite-sex friends compliment each other’s appearances? Sure. But Devlyn isn’t like any guy friend I’ve had. When Devlyn tells me I am beautiful, the sentiment is layered with complexity and hidden meaning. So hidden, I don’t think he even knows what is underneath.
Gah! Devlyn is a frustrating man.
Since I sent the picture of me with baby Clara, since I provoked the conversation, talking baby-related stuff wouldn’t be awkward. Would it?
Shelly: Thanks. I’ve never given thought to having kids. You?
Devlyn:Not so much. Even if I did, I’d want to be in a long-term relationship first. Don’t see that happening anytime soon.
This man is like a damn seesaw. A mood swing waiting to happen. I press a loose fist to my stomach as nausea begs for relief. His text is another reminder. A reminder I don’t need, but receive almost daily. A reminder that feels like a constant slap to the face.
Friends. Devlyn and I are only friends.
His random sweet words, charming smile, and desire to spend time together throw me off balance. Make me question my sanity and perspective. Make me ask myself if I am interpreting his words through a romanticized lens. Because I have no clue.
God, he makes me dizzy.
Shelly:Well, they’re asking us to go. Talk to you later.
Devlyn: Later.
No one asked us to leave yet, but probably will soon. Cora and Gavin must be exhausted. No doubt baby Clara is as well.
The conversation with Devlyn needed to end, though. We haven’t known each other long, but part of meknowshim. And every once in a while, I want to smack some sense into him. Tell him to wake up and see what is right in front of him. Ask him what I can do to help heal his heart.
But I don’t. I won’t.
As always, I keep my eyes forward, mouth shut, and just go with the flow. And I pray one day it will all work in my favor. That I will find the love I have been looking for. Without mixed signals and crossed wires.
If that person happens to be Devlyn, I would be surprised.
If that person happens to be Devlyn, I would show him what being loved is really like.
TEN
DEVLYN
Did I fuck up?
For days, Shelly has been in a funk. Absent is the timid yet passionate woman I met more than a month ago. In her place is a more lackluster woman. She gives no indication I am to blame, but the pang in my gut says otherwise.
I want to ask what happened. What has her more hesitant and quiet? What has her avoiding eye contact?
But I don’t say a word. I won’t.
Asking questions leads us down a path of uncertainty. A path where I ask the questions, but won’t answer hers. A path that muddles the lines of friendship, once again. And as much as I’d love to wipe the friendship line from existence, my heart trembles at the idea.
I am not a cold person. Not empty or devoid of emotion. Not intentionally. I dofeelthings, emotions. Love and happiness. Hurt and sadness. Joy and pain. The good and the bad. I feel it all.
Years back, prescribed by my dear mother, I visited a therapist regularly. My mother had it in her head that I was empty inside. Soulless. The irony isn’t lost on me, but maybe she assumed this because I didn’t express myself in a way that madeherhappy.
