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“Yeah, you’re probably right.” I sigh and stare down at the fumbling fingers in my lap. “What do I do now? He doesn’t answer my calls or texts.” Tipping my head back, I stare at the ceiling and huff. “I hate how bereft I feel.”
Cora wraps an arm around my shoulders and tugs me into her. “Wish I had the right answer. The one to put a smile on your face. But everyone operates differently. Especially Devlyn, from what you’ve told us.” She gives my shoulder a squeeze and I peer up at my best and longest friend. “You either need to give him patience or…” Her eyes dart between mine for two breaths. “Let him go.” My shoulders drop and Cora’s lips turn down at the corners. “You don’t want to, I’m sure. But you need to do what’s best for you.”
The backs of my eyes sting for the umpteenth time today. “Why does this have to be so hard?” I garble out.
Autumn embraces me from the other side. “Because you obviously have feelings for him. Beyond friendship.” A palm rubs up and down my back. “Jonas and I went back and forth so many times because I wanted to do what was best for Clementine. Little did I know, what I was doing wasn’t best. But I had to learn that in my own time.” Autumn leans her head on my shoulder. “What’s meant to be will play out. But don’t stop living because he won’t own his feelings.”
I nod, absorbing Autumn and Cora’s words. Letting them sink deep and fill me with the strength I need to get past this. More than ever, I am grateful for the wonderful women in my circle. All my family, none by blood. Lucky is an understatement. I take their love and support and harness it as armor. Feel their courage pass to me as I wipe the tears from my cheeks.
“Thank you,” I say as I glance at each of them in turn. “Thank you for always being there.”
Cora squeezes me a bit tighter. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Her arm drops from my shoulder as she gives me a smile. “Now, let’s talk about something else. Since none of the guys are here, let’s talk shit about them and laugh when they get here later.”
Everyone laughs, including Elizabeth, and I love how the mood in the room became ten times lighter. And for the next few hours, life is normal. Happy. Loaded with jokes. When the guys show, we make plans for another get-together. Karaoke or bowling. Something in addition to our Sunday gatherings.
I leave Jonas and Autumn’s house with less weight on my shoulders and a warmer heart. Now more than ever, I need to spend time with people who make me whole. Who bring me joy.
Which is why what I am about to do is more important than anything else. I have to do this if I want to move on. If I want out of this dark place.
Parking the car in my designated spot, I cut the engine and stare at my front door. My apartment has been occupied with the energy of that night.The night.The night when I kissed Devlyn, and he reciprocated long enough to give me hope. Only to squash it just as quickly.
Tonight, I am detoxifying my space. Lighting sage, opening the windows and letting all the negative vibes out. Time to make it mine again. To make it a place I love.
Exiting the car, I walk to the front door with a straighter spine. I insert the key, turn the knob, and step inside. Plopping down on the couch, I fish my phone from my purse and pull up the text history between me and Devlyn. After two deep breaths, I tap out the most difficult seven letters of my life, then hit send.
A tear splatters on the screen and the wordgoodbyeblurs… just like my life. But I am taking my life back. After this final cry.
SIXTEEN
DEVLYN
My phone lights upon the table, the message icon on the notification. Without leaning for a closer look, I already know the text is from Shelly. Over the last two weeks, she has texted and called more times than I care to admit. Although I haven’t responded to a single call, voice mail or text from Shelly, I listen to and look at each one. She is none the wiser since I disabled my read message receipts.
Yep, I have becomethatguy. The biggest asshole in the Bay Area.
And I detest the person I have become. Hate that I hurt her. Hate that I led her on then flipped.
I opened myself up to her, let her in the slightest bit, gave her a glimpse of who I want to be, that I wanther.Then I smashed it all with a foolish mistake.
Kissing Shelly wasnotthe mistake. Losing my shit and walking out the door was the mistake. Not responding to her daily texts and calls was—is—a mistake. Sitting on this couch instead of driving to her apartment and apologizing in person is a big. Fucking. Mistake.
Now I fear it’s too late to repair the damage.
Fuck.I hope it isn’t, but I feel stuck. Unsure what to do to fix myself or how to make things between us right.
Memories of the kiss drift back in—not that they ever leave. Shelly’s lips pressed to mine, so soft and warm and inviting, knocked the air from my lungs. The memory of it still does, each and every time. As does the searing pain at my epicenter. The pain that never leaves. The pain I deserve, not Shelly.
If I were the only one suffering, I would willingly take a dagger to the heart. Let it twist over and over.
But Shelly is suffering too.
Her pain spills across the screen with each word she types. Is evident in the crack of her voice when I play back her messages. Hearing—feeling—her pain is ten times worse.
Ignoring the nature documentary in the background, I pick up the phone, take a deep breath, and open the message.
Shelly:Goodbye
Goodbye? What the hell does that mean?
