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Chapter four
A Chance at Us
Rae
Myheartbeatsfasteras I pick up my pace. The tingling starts, and I moan into my pillow.
I pull my hand out of my underwear, panting, and smile to myself.
Things that are working: deep breathing, meditation, yoga, and touching myself—yep, that one is definitely working. I’ve become much more well-acquainted with my body over the last few weeks. After the first night, I wasn’t sure it would be possible to get there, but after two weeks of slowly spending more time feeling my body, it happened—shocking me when it did.
It’s not just that, though. I’m more comfortable looking in the mirror again. I still jump sometimes when people touch me, but it’s a lot less frequent. I’m feeling more comfortable in my body again in every way. There’s still a lot of work to do. I can’t imagine doing more than kissing someone else right now—that piece will take time—but I’m not in a rush.
The triggering thoughts are still a battle, and grounding myself only helps so much. But I’ve made a lot of progress, and I feel a lot more like myself again. I don’t feel like I’m in a hurricane and can’t see where I am or where I’m going. Now, I’ve only got a little cloud over my head. Sometimes it rains, but sometimes, it clears away and I see the sun.
What’s not working? Not being around Aaron.
At first it was necessary. Then I kept him at arm’s length to make sure I was ready. We’re two weeks into the school year now, and he and I have lots of classes together, and I miss him. Being near him isn’t enough. I miss our friendship. That’s why today, I’m declaring “space” officially over. I want us to get back to normal. And then hopefully get to something better. But I’m going to ease into that piece of it. First comes our normal friendship. Hanging out. Being together all the time. We start blurring lines, then hopefully, cross them.
It’s Saturday morning, and I’ve already done my homework. I’m going to spend the morning relaxing, then go see Aaron to see if he wants to spend the day together before we head to Joel’s later. My heart is beating fast again. I’m excited. I’ve missed my best friend. I’ve missedus. More importantly, I’m thoroughly enjoying feeling likemeagain.
I throw my bathrobe on, then head to the bathroom to run a bath.I love baths.
While the water is running, I go back to my room to grab a book.
“You look happy,” Sarah says, stopping me as I walk back to the bathroom.
“I think I am. Took me a while. Thanks for sticking with me.”
She wraps me in a hug. “Always, baby. I’m going to make some pancakes. Want some?”
“Mm. Sounds wonderful. I’ll be down in a half hour, okay?”
“Perfect.”
I wander back to the bathroom and get settled in my bath, then flip open one of my favorite friends-to-lovers romances.
Today is going to be a good day.
Aaron
I knock on Rae’s window.
I don’t know why I’m doing this. It doesn’t align with the “space” she wanted. Something that has been hard for me to give her, but she’s been talking to me more lately, so I’m hopeful.
I send a quick text.
Me: Hey, it’s me. I brought coffee.
But that hope fades when there’s no answer at the window or via text.
I wasn’t planning on coming over this morning, but when I stopped by the bakery, they had her favorite cinnamon vanilla coffee, so I brought her some. Not wanting it to go to waste, I head downstairs, hoping I can catch Kara, Charlie, or Sarah to save it for her.
I walk in and see Sarah at the stove flipping pancakes.
“Hey, Sarbear.”
She turns to me with a big smile. “Hey, A. Want some pancakes?”
