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I turn and start walking, no clue where I’m going. I’m not going back to the dorm. Rae doesn’t want me anywhere near her, anyway. I zip my coat up and head toward the ball field. At least it’ll be quiet there.
I’m about halfway there when I hear footsteps behind me. Then a hand grabs my shoulder.
“Hey,” Miles says. “What happened?”
I shrug one shoulder. “Nothing good.”
“A…”
I stop and look at him. “Jesse’s here.”
He squints at me. “So?” Then he barks out a laugh. “You’ve gotta be kidding me. You think something’s going to happen between them?”
“No.” I run my hand through my hair. “I don’t know. I’m so jealous I can’t think straight. I hate myself. I miss her. Everything is fucked.”
He clamps his hand on my shoulder. “Take it easy on yourself. Jesus, Aaron. You and Rae aren’t together. Yes, getting wasted and sleeping with some random girl was unlike you, but you didn’t cheat on her.”
A knot forms in my stomach and a fresh wave of nausea hits. “Then why do I feel like I did?”
He heaves out a sigh. “Because you love her.” He pauses, assessing me. “What do you want, A?”
“I don’t know.” My eyes shut for a second. “I have no idea what I want. No idea what I’m doing. Besides fucking up.”
“What’s going on with you? Because this isn’t the Aaron Cooper I know.”
Not the Aaron Cooper I know either, I think. And that’s the problem. I don’t know how to find the person I once was, or if I even should be trying to find that person. I feel like a husk. There’s so much that’s empty inside of me. But how do I explain that?
How do I explain that nothing’s wrong, but everything’s wrong?
“I’m a mess right now, but I’ll figure it out.”
I hope.
“You know I’m here for you. We all are.”
“Yeah. I know. But it’s no one’s problem but my own. No one can fix it for me.”
His brows dip in and his jaw tightens slightly. Then he shakes his head. Not exactly in disagreement, but more out of resignation. “Doesn’t mean we aren’t all here to help you. But I’m not gonna force you to talk.” He slaps my shoulder. “Come on. It’s fucking freezing. Let’s go back to the dorm. I’ll make some ramen and you can talk or we can watch movies or whatever the fuck you want, but let’s do it somewhere warm.”
I glance toward the ball fields. Going there would probably depress me, anyway.
“Will you help me figure out how to handle this with Rae?”
He chuckles. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
I nod and we walk back to the dorm. The whole way I wonder if I’ve fucked things up with Rae for good this time.
Rae
“He did what?” Mackie yells through the phone, surprised.
“Asshole,” Hyla adds.
“Yeah, that’s been well established,” Sarah says.
I shake my head. “Are you guys having fun at least?”
There’s stifled laughter and muffled conversation before Mackie says, “We are.”
