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The door bangs open and Miles flies in. He gives me a quick nod, thanking me for the text, then hurries to Mackie.
He grabs her and pulls her into his arms. “Come here, baby. I got you.”
“Why did she do this?” Mackie sobs in his arms.
I watch Miles comfort her. I’ve always loved their friendship. Miles has an underlying dad mode that makes him extremely comforting in tough situations. Plus, he and Mackie have always had a beautiful, completely platonic friendship. It’s not like Rae and Joel who have a sibling sort of thing going on. Definitely not like Rae and me. Hah, no. We were alwayssomething more.
My gaze lands back on her, only to find that she’s already looking at me. We exchange a look. One filled with pain and longing and understanding. We know the pain Mackie is feeling because we’ve been there. In some ways, we’re still there. She reaches out and squeezes my hand. Our constant reminder that we’re in this together. Even ifthisis being broken up and figuring out our own messy shit.
Rae
“I can’t believe Hyla would ghost her like that,” Aaron says as we clean up the mess spread across the living room.
Everyone else went to the boys’ room to watch a movie. Aaron volunteered to stay here and help me clean up.
“I know. I was never sure she was going to be able to commit to Mackie, but doing what she did?” I stop and lean against the counter, shaking my head.
Aaron sets some plates on the counter and looks at me. “It hurts no matter what, but I can’t imagine that.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “I wish I could change it for her. It always hurts when the person you love doesn’t choose you,” I say absentmindedly.
Aaron’s movement stops. My eyes flit to his. I wasn’t consciously thinking of him or us when I said it, but I guess that ache is still in my heart.
He stares at me, a calm anger behind his eyes. “It does hurt.”
“Aaron, I—I wasn’t talking about—”
“Maybe not purposely, but you were. You blame me for everything ending. And that’s not fair.”
My eyes narrow and I bristle at the anger in his voice.
“Not fair?” I ask, trying to keep my voice even.
“Not fair. Because it wasn’t just me, Rae. At the time, I solely blamed myself, but I look back now and know that wasn’t the case. I was at my most broken. I know I wasn’t the easiest person to deal with. Yet, rather than hold onto me or fight for me, you pushed me away and closed yourself off.”
His words hit me like a backhand to the face. I actually have to stop myself from touching my cheek as if I’ve just been slapped, because that’s exactly how it feels. Not because he said it. Not because he was trying to get to me—which I don’t think he was. Because it’s the truth. And damn if it doesn’t hurt.
I blink at him a few times. Then I push down my tears, clear my throat, and muster up all the courage I have to say, “You’re right. I put walls up trying to protect myself. I thought fighting for us meant wanting you to talk to me and giving you opportunities. I’m learning it’s about a whole lot more than that.” I heave out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Aaron. Truly, I’m sorry.”
He blows out a breath and runs his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry I said it like that. I’ve been keeping it inside and blaming myself constantly. I thought it wasn’t fair to ask you to hold on when I wasn’t at my best. I’m starting to realize that meant I needed you more.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it away.
I let him go.
I let him go when he needed me more than ever.
My stomach lurches and my fingers clamp onto the counter. I knew I let go, but a part of me thought that’s what he wanted. Knowing that I pushed him away when he needed me the most crushes me.
I can’t believe I did that.
Not like it’s the first time.
I shut my eyes tightly as I remember last year when I cut him out for a month right as baseball was being ripped away from him. He was hurting and lost then too, and I pushed him away. Am I that selfish of a person?
Shit.
I guess he isn’t the only one who has things to figure out. I do too. And I haven’t taken responsibility for that, or for my role in how all this ended.
