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“If you keep holding the Bratva’s importance above all else, you’ll lose everything you’ve ever cared about.” She pauses to play with a tiny spoon resting in the saucer. “You’ll lose her before you have her.”
Is there something in the water today?
Nobody needed love to marry when my father was alive. Why the hell do I need it now? It’s like people think I can’t just do this for business.
Can’t I?
Another few minutes pass without us saying much. The rain continues outside, a steady thrum of noise that cuts through the awkward tension.
“Pasha,” she says softly. “I want you to care about your needs.”
My muscles ache as I bow my head. “I know, Karinka.”
“Why don’t you? You’re not Papa. You can do things differently.”
“This is how things have always been done.”
The smile she flashes radiates a thousand rays of affection that warm my skin. “You’re such a moron.”
“And you’re lucky we’re related.”
“I could say the same about you.”
Something inside me unwinds. The rubber bands around my heart go lax one at a time, then two, then three. Soon, I’m a puddle of exhaustion, a warped image of a teenager who once wanted so desperately to impress his father.
And I succeeded at it, too.
Where I sit now is the result of years of dedication. His recent death was strange, but that hasn’t prevented me from doing what needs to be done. I don’t have to feel.
I just have toact.
My sister looks preoccupied when I join her on the sofa. She nestles into my side as I wrap my arm protectively around her. Almost immediately, her fingers start prodding my face like she did when she was younger.
“I forget how much of a free spirit you are. All this talk about love and self-care…” The words taste like nickels in my mouth. I shrug. “But that’s not what I need, Karinka. I’m just trying to keep this whole family from being torn apart by that shitbag Cardona.”
“You work hard to protect us, Pasha,” she whispers. “You need a break.”
“You make it sound like I’m a hero.”
She sighs while tracing the edge of my tie. “I’ve always looked up to you because you always know what to do. You never do anything wrong.”
“That’s what I want to keep doing. That’s why I keep focusing so hard on what the Bratva needs.”
“Just don’t forget you’re a human being.Youhave needs too.”
My eyelids feel heavy. The vodka circulates my system, numbing my nerve endings and reducing me to an impressionable lump. Karina could suggest anything right now and I’d probably do it.
Like process feelings or whatever she does in her spare time.
“I don’t want you to end up alone,” she admits. “I care about you.”
I shake my head lightly. “Karinka, who said I would end up alone?”
She sits up abruptly, brown hair tangling in the silver rings that decorate her fingers as she brushes her hair.
“The poor girl’s been handed to you as a gift, and you don’t want to even entertain the idea of trying to get along with her?”
“I don’t need love to get along with her.”
