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If only I could just move.
If only I could justleave.
Pavel reaches for me, causing me to flinch. He looks confused for a second but proceeds to tug me along with him, covering the back of my head with his hand as he guides me into the limo—the door slams behind us. Silence crowds my ears. Seconds pass before the limo launches into action, squealing away from the curb and disappearing down a dimly lit back road.
I pull my knees to my chest.
Numb.
I’m just numb right now. I can hardly process what just happened back there, the strange echo of crashes, shouts, and gunfire still bouncing around in my head. When I close my eyes, all I see is chaos. When I open them, the beige interior of the limo makes me want to hurl.
Stepan gets us away from the club so quickly and carefully that it almost feels like a normal drive around the city.
But it isn’t.
Far from it.
Next to me sits the man who will do anything to secure his position as Pakhan. And he’ll do it his way, regardless of what’s going on around him. That’s how he secured me as his wife. That’s my fate.
My heart seizes in my chest.That’s always been my fate.
All the emotions I felt in the club clamor for attention. Shock, nausea, fear, adrenaline, unfathomable terror—they all compete against each other while I cradle my forehead in my hands. I bow toward my knees, curling in on myself as much as my body will allow.
It’s the only thing making me feel safe. And Pavel isn’t trying to untangle me, so I keep doing it.
Why did I help him?I hiccup, pinching my lips together to keep from crying.Why did I think I could handle helping him when I know what this life is about?
It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed him, shouldn’t have tried to give him advice like I knew what I was doing. Grappling for control like that only did one thing: it put me directly in the line of fire.
Queen or slave? Wife or whore?
My hands are tied. What am I supposed to do?
My lips quiver while I bite back tears. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. It’s only going to invite a lecture about how I can’t handle this shit.
And I reallycan’thandle it.
But I can’t back down now.
Who am I kidding? I’m not queen material. I’m hardly even girlfriend material, let alone wife material. And slipping into this role only showed me that I bit off more than I could chew with Pavel.
In my desperate flailing for power, I didn’t see the other side of it, the results.
And now I do.
And I don’t want to see it anymore.
How could I have ever thought a life with Pavel would be normal?I grit my teeth together quietly.Because he gave me affection and made heartfelt promises? Am I that easy to steal?
His vow of protection returns, softening my features slightly. I wanted so much to believe that someone would take care of me, that all my needs would be met with a singular swoop of a pen.
Even if that someone is dangerous.
Even if that someone doesn’t mindkillingsomeone else right in front of me.
I squeeze my eyes shut in an effort to scrub the memory from my brain. No luck. Not at all. I know if I look to my right, I’ll see the specks of blood on his cheek. I’ll know whose blood it is. I’ll see it forever. I’ll feel it in my gut for the rest of my life.
I’m not cut out for this.
