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I chastise myself—for about the hundredth time—to not assign more meaning to what was essentially nothing more than good sex after a lengthy period of abstinence. I can get good sex anywhere, as a matter of fact.
Movement catches my attention, and I turn my head very slowly to find Chip on the rail, a peanut in his little paws. Sitting on his hind legs, he tears away at the shell, and to my surprise, eats the kernel inside. Normally he shoves the food in and runs, and it’s amazing how much he can pack in those expandable cheeks.
When he finishes, he jumps down from the rail to the deck and in succession moves to each peanut and tucks them into his cheeks. He eyes the one on my shoe, and I hold absolutely still tosee what he’ll do. His tail twitches, and he trills. I wonder if he’s questioning me or calling out to friends.
Regardless, he turns away and bolts off the deck, tearing across the yard and under the bush.
Sighing, I bend over and pluck the peanut off my shoe, holding it loosely while I sip my coffee. My gaze moves back to the trees, and I think about Tilden again.
This isn’t how I thought my life was going to be when I walked away from the Titans. I thought I’d come here and hide, away from the spotlight and the pressure to perform. There’d be no expectations from anyone that I needed to get over shit.
Mostly, I’d be alone because alone was what felt right.
Not best, but right.
I wasn’t destined to die in that plane crash but rather slammed into a never-ending penance because the fates or God or whoever is calling the shots didn’t let me have my chance to make amends.
It would be hard for most people to understand the depths of my angst over this. Growing up in an environment where I received no love or nurturing, my hockey family became my world. The friendships I forged with my teammates went beyond the normal bonds people make with one another. I would have taken a bullet for Kyle had an opportunity presented itself, and he would have done the same for me.
He’d have never touched an ex-girlfriend of mine if he were given the opportunity. He would have stayed loyal to me.
The fact that I can’t unburden this secret and at least get the chance at forgiveness has fucked up my head so bad, I can’t distinguish between the pain of losing my family in that crash and the fact that I’m the worst piece of shit for betraying a family member who died when the plane went down.
I’d resolved to let it all go. To move on to a new life where I might be able to start over. Nothing glamorous, but maybe something honest.
I’d also resolved that it would take time. I didn’t deserve quick grace, and I figured I’d need to work for something good to happen to me.
And then Tilden Marshall came along, and she cannot be considered good for me. She’s a pain in my ass, she’s impinging on my plans to be left alone, and she’s not even my fucking type.
So why in the hell am I staring at the trees, hoping she’ll walk through them?
Why did I go to Masha’s last night, hoping she’d be out for a drink with her friends?
More importantly, if I want to see her again, why don’t I have the balls to walk over there?
Because I don’t want to see her again. I want to fuck her, and that is all.
Movement catches my eye, and Chip is back on the rail. He stares at me and makes noises.Chip, chip, chip. I swear there’s an almost expectant tone.
I turn my hand over, peanut resting in my palm. “You looking for this?”
Chip, chip, chip. It sounds like he’s chittering his name at me. The rodent stares at me, tail twitching.
I consider putting the peanut on the deck or even on top of my shoe again, but instead, I lean over the side of the chair so my hand hovers above the wooden planks and extend it his way.
Chip freezes and eyeballs the peanut intently.
“You know you want it,” I say softly, and his ears swivel forward as if attracted to the sound of my voice. “Come and get it, little man.”
Ordinarily, I’d feel stupid talking to an animal and wasting my time to see if I can tempt him to take the peanut, but this is my life now. Hockey star to animal whisperer.
My back aches from the odd angle I’m leaning in and then my arm starts to go numb. Chip doesn’t move a muscle, and now it’s a battle of who wants to win.
Either he’ll come get the nut, or I’ll give up and toss it his way.
I’m just about to say “fuck it” when he turns and runs down the length of the rail away from me. But when he gets to the steps, he jumps down to the wooden deck and hesitantly inches toward me. His tail twitches suspiciously, and I hold so still, I’m barely breathing.
When he nears my shoe, he stops, and we engage in another staring contest. Sweat breaks out on my forehead as my back is really hurting now, but I’m in this till the end. I want to see just how brave this little guy really is because I’m a giant who could easily crush him.
