AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Mainly, it’s practice. I force myself into the vastness of the ocean so that I can continue to do it. Not much can come at you from the depths or across the surface. Sharks, I suppose. An errant boat. There hasn’t been a shark sighting in this area for years, and there aren’t many boaters in winter. It comes with some risk. I could hit my head on the board and drown. I could stay out too long and freeze to death. In one way, it’s less risky than going into the city. I take my chances nonetheless. I deserve to be cold. I deserve to be in a place I don’t love. My one concession is that I’m in sight of my home.
I take one wave in and swim back out.
I want to be inside with Daphne, which makes this more necessary than ever. She won’t be able to stay inside my house indefinitely. She needs the outdoors. She needs inspiration. I’ll keep doing this as long as I have to.
There’s an element of purpose when I think of it that way. It’s less punishing and more preparatory. Sometimes, she’ll need to leave. I’ll go with her.
Another wave. Another. I lose myself in the crests and falls. Test my balance in various ways. The sky grows lighter. Winter pale, dark water below. It doesn’t get shallow until close to the shore. Wave in. Swim out. Ah—the real punishment is swimming away from her when all I want is to have her in my arms. All I want is to lay her on the ground. To open that soft coat and kiss her neck. To bite her. To take her.
Too far, a voice comments. Too far, too far.
I can feel her there. It sounds like bullshit, but I can. A tug at my heart. It keeps me anchored while I do this thing. While I play out this routine. Art or not. Daphne or not. My brothers or not. Sometimes surfing is the only reason I leave the house. If I stop doing it, I’ll lose the habit. It could take years to regain them. Years of work and suffering and panic. It would be appropriate. It would be deserved. But I don’t want it. I want to feel good.
Like this.
For her.
Last night wasn’t suffering. Last night was everything. My brothers appreciated her. They saw her value.
My obsession is justified.
It’s real.
I take a breath of crisp, cold air. Habit takes over. The world outside becomes art tacked to the wall. My feelings join those pieces in neat rows.
They do not, to my surprise, resemble their usual bleak imagery. They are tinged with joy.
Joy has a warm cast. It has cool depths in the shadows, but it’s saturated with sunlight. I see hints of it in the waves. Brush strokes layer in like the water is reflecting a summer sky. Winter is always the more dangerous season for me. The world presents excuses to tuck myself away in my house. Everyone else tries their best to do the same. Who wants to be out in the snow and ice? On the East Coast, it’s possible, even preferable, to hibernate for the winter. But I can’t do that without risking all the other days.
Except with Daphne standing on the shore, my heart is lifted. Teal and yellow skim the water, disappearing with every blink.
We both have our contradictions. Our contrasts. Mine seem more bearable today. They make more sense. They don’t struggle in their frames.
I surf for an hour or so. Daphne doesn’t waver on the shore. I check on her perhaps too often. She fills pages of her sketchbook, her expression content. It’s not hurting her to be out in the snow.
Being with me might not hurt at all today, if she feels anything like I do.
What if I could give that to her permanently?
What if I could be a man who wasn’t like my father?
Those frames come one by one into my thoughts and I hold them in my hands. I observe them closely before I hang them up.
What if?
What if?
What if?
Possibilities fill galleries in my mind. Many of them center on my house. My home. My life. I’m not arrogant enough to think I’ll ever be able to leave. My responses to the world are too deeply embedded.
But I would work at it for Daphne. I could extend my time outside the house. Not indefinitely. Just for as long as she needed. If I was with her—
If I had her with me—
It might not be such a disaster. It might not hurt so much.
There has to be a way.
