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“Will you not speak?” Lady Aleksander asked.
“Lila... I don’t have an answer you will accept. I’m certain of that.”
She gaped at him.
“It’s grief,” Miles said, throwing up his hands in defeat.
“What?” Joshua said at the same time Lady Aleksander said, “Pardon?”
Miles gestured at Joshua, at his attire, his general state of disarray. “Can’t you see?” he asked Lady Aleksander. “Tell her,” he said to Joshua. “Isn’t that why you are seeking to sell Hollyfield as well?”
“Oh my God,” Lady Aleksander whispered, horrified by the thought.
“He wants to sell it because he can’t bear to be where he lost his wife and child,” Miles finished.
Joshua’s gut twisted harder. “That’s not true.”
Miles snorted. “Isn’t it? Tell us why, then, if you can do it without dissembling.”
“I don’tgrievethem,” Joshua bit out. “I am one man, and this duchy, this title, is more than a single man. I have no heirs, nodesirefor an heir,” he said, choking on the worddesire. It was a lie, a terrible lie. “There is nothing that keeps me here. Nothing here that I deserve to have.” But Amelia deserved the abbey. He had to fix that, to do something to repair the damage he’d done.
“Well that certainly explains the rest of it,” Lady Aleksander said tartly.
“The rest of what?” Miles asked.
“He is denying his feelings for Princess Amelia.”
“What?”Miles groaned to the ceiling. “I need a drink.” He stalked to the sideboard and poured a whisky, and tossed it down his throat. “Anyone else?”
“You don’t know what you’re saying, Lila,” Joshua said, ignoring him. “Leave it be.”
“I won’t leave it be! You have suffered a tragedy that I can’t possibly imagine. But you can’t give up on yourlife,Joshua. You have a chance for happiness, to love again. Youmustallow yourself to love again.”
“I didn’tloveDiana, IkilledDiana!” he exploded.
Lady Aleksander gasped.
Miles slammed down his whisky glass. “What in the hell are you saying?”
Joshua’s confession was burning a hole in his chest. It felt like it could burn down this massive house. He’d never said it out loud, had never admitted to anyone what he’d done. “I wanted—”
His voice caught. He felt on the verge of being sick and gulped down a swell of nausea. He took a breath.
“I wanted a child. An heir. No, that’s not...it was more than that. I wanted a half dozen children. I wanted to fill this house to the rafters with them. Dogs, children, laughter, love. Diana had two miscarriages before the last pregnancy. She didn’t want to try again. She was afraid—she said she couldn’t bear to lose another one. Do you understand what I am telling you?Shedidn’t want to try, butI, in my selfish desire, convinced her becauseIwanted it.”
Lady Aleksander’s mouth gaped. “But you didn’t—”
“Ipleadedwith her. I reminded her again and again of our duty to bear an heir. Of our marital arrangement—her freedom for my child!” He was shouting, he realized, but the confession was ripping out of him, and he couldn’t lower his voice. “She agreed. And then she conceived, and...” He couldn’t say the rest. He couldn’t bring himself to utter the words out loud.
Miles said it for him. “And she and the baby died.”
“Oh, Joshua,” Lila whispered. “Oh dear God, you poor thing. You’re not responsible for their deaths.”
He abhorred the sound of pity in her voice. “I know what I did,” he snapped at her. “I live with it every day.”
“Are you God?” she asked. “Do you divine who lives and who dies? Isn’t it possible you were a man who simply wanted a child? Who wanted to love, as you said?”
The room felt as if it was shifting under his feet. He dabbed at his hands with the towel. He’d done so many things wrong—he could never make them understand.
