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It was magnificent, that feeling of contentment and love.
Joshua cupped her face, traced her bottom lip with his thumb. He kissed her once more, then sat up. She sat in his lap and draped her arms over his shoulders. “I must tell you something.”
He shook his head. “Don’t.” He kissed her once more, then set her aside and stood up. He straightened his clothes and took her hand to help her to her feet.
What had just happened? “Joshua, I need—”
“Don’t say it, Amelia. Don’t.” He took both her hands in his. “Don’t say it, because I can’t respond in a way you’d like. I want to be who you want. On my word, I do. But...” He winced, as if the words were causing him pain. “I can’t be who you want at present. And I fear there will come a time very soon when you won’t want me.”
“What?” He was confusing her. What had just happened between them? Why would she ever stop wanting him? “I don’t understand.”
He kissed her again, then bent down, picked up her shawl, and put it around her shoulders. “Go to Iddesleigh, I beg you. I am to London.”
“Now?why?”
He stroked her cheek. There was a desperation in his eyes that made no sense to her. He seemed desperate to stay and desperate to go, and she couldn’t grasp what was happening. He kissed her forehead, her cheek. “Go home now.”
She grabbed his hand. “What’s wrong? What have I done?”
“Nothing. It’s me, Amelia. I’ve made a dreadful mistake and I must go to London.” He took her into his arms once more and held her tight. “You’ve been perfect, do you hear me? You are perfect.” He put his hands on her shoulders and set her back. “When I can tell you, I will.”
He stepped away from her, backing up to his horse, his gaze still locked on her.
Something in her faltered. Lost its footing, broke off, floating free of her brain. It was her heart, she realized. It was breaking in two. She looked almost blindly at the river. “I don’t understand,” she said helplessly.
“I hardly understand myself at times.” He took the horse’s reins.
“Is it because you lost your wife? I understand! I lost my father, and it was devastating,” she said, pressing a hand against her chest. “I live every day with my grief...but I’m not ready to die for it.”
“It’s not as simple as grief.”
She assumed he was talking about love. “Do you think you’re the only one to have experienced the death of a loved one? Iknowyou loved her, and it must—”
“I didn’t love her!” he exclaimed skyward.
Amelia gasped softly.
He shook his head. “It wasn’t love that we had, Amelia, not in the way you believe. Ours was not a great love story, and my loss is not as deep as yours.”
He was confusing her even more. “Then...then what’s wrong? Please tell me. I can’t bear not knowing.”
He looked up the path for a moment. “You may hate me...but believe me when I tell you I am doing what is best for you.”
Her heartbreak turned to fire. “How dare you to presume what is best for me? I have spent twenty-six years determining what is best for me. I don’t need you to tell me what that is.” She suddenly realized he was right—she would hate him. She hated him now. And when she was through hating him, her heart would ache with the yearning for him.
So many emotions were tangling up in her—she had gone from disappointment, to hope, to love, to despair. If she stood here another moment, she would collapse. She began to walk, making her arms and legs work to carry her to Iddesleigh House.
“Amelia.” Joshua reached for her as she passed, but Amelia pushed him as hard as she could.
“This is what you want,” she said, and continued to walk until that wasn’t enough, and then she began to run. She paused once to catch her breath and look back. He was where she’d left him, staring after her, his expression dark and pained and...full oflove.
Did he think she couldn’t see it? What a bloody fool he was.
And she was an even bigger fool for having fallen in love with him.
She strode to Iddesleigh House, fighting tears with every step she refused to let fall. And as she was walking up the drive, Lila came out to meet her.
“No, Lila,” Amelia said, and tried to brush past her. “I don’t want to hear about your list or your plans for London.”
