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Had Nick been trying to tell her he loved her when he did those nice things for her?
Now what was he doing? Crooning a nonsensical ditty about lion tamers and fearsome huntresses to Kali in an off-key voice.
Drat!Alice wished he wouldn’t do things like that. It wrung her heart out like wet linen and hung it out to dry.
He glanced up and saw her watching. He sat up straighter, Kali still curled in his lap. “Alice, come here.” He patted the bed next to him.
She sat in the chair instead. She didn’t want him to touch her anymore. Every time he touched her would make it more painful when she left.
“I’ll see if there are other ships going to Calcutta tomorrow, Nick.”
“No need,” he said. “Lear will take you.”
“He will?”
“He’s mounting an orchid-hunting expedition and a trip to India fits well with his plans. There’s no way I’m allowing you to throw all your goals aside. You were always going to India. This was always ending with you boarding that ship.”
Yes, that was the way it was supposed to end.
Sailing off for adventure.
But the taste for adventure had gone flat in her mouth.
“I forbid you to stay here, Alice. But perhaps we’ll see each other again in the future.” He smiled. “Maybe we’ll become the kind of lovers who meet for a week once a year. Or a month, maybe. I’ve heard of such arrangements. Husbands and wives who are the best of friends. I never thought it possible but we could... we could be friends.”
He needed a friend. He didn’t need another lover. Was that what he was trying to tell her?
“We follow the plan, Alice. We honor the contract. You go your way and I stay right here.”
Traveling was her dream, not his. He had to stay here with the duke. And he’d said he would never set foot on a ship again. He didn’t want to travel; he’d made that clear.
But it hurt so much.
“You want me to leave,” she accused. “You can’t stand the idea that you might begin to care for me and you want to push me away and make me leave so that all your fears can be realized. You want me to be like your mother. Just another wife who leaves after a madness scare.”
“I do want you to leave. I want you to go to India and present your manuscript to the professors.”
“It’s only a pile of palm leaves with some scratches.”
“Don’t say that. You know that’s not true. This means everything to you, and you can’t suddenly not care about any of it. You’re so passionate about your work, and that’s something I love about you.”
He loved how devoted she was to her work.
He didn’t love her.
“It’s time to stop hiding behind your gambits and ploys, Alice. Time to be yourself, and who cares if anyone doesn’t approve? Break some rules, see where it leads you.”
“Nick.” It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him that she loved him, and what? Beg him to let her stay? That was ridiculous. She would never compromise herself or her ideals in such a way.
She would not swoon at his feet.
She never had and she wouldn’t start now. She rose on unsteady limbs. She wouldn’t cry.
Even though she knew this longing for Nick would never go away.
He was etched upon her heart, like stylus scratches on palm-leaf pages, and she’d never be rid of this wanting.
“Go forth, Dimples, go forth and conquer the world.”
She managed a wan smile. “I will, Nick.” She’d begun to dream a new future. A life with Nick. What a wonderful dream it had been. But it was over now.
